Disheartened by dh's parenting

[Drewsmom]

I'm really frustrated with dh and this has gone on and off for years.  He can do well with the kids and do fun things, seems to be better bonded with our older son who has some issues (SPD, ADHD).  However, there's nothing more important to me than being a good mother.  I came from an emotionally abusive family and have been thinking about this for years before even getting married.  Dh yells at the kids a lot, a lot.  I grew up in a family where my parents yelled a lot and really did not want that for my family.  He yells b/c he doesn't spend the time to follow through on expectations with the kids.  They don't listen to him b/c he always starts low then escalates when they're not listening. 

I can't tell you *how* many times I've talked this over with him.  He's a smart guy but he still just doesn't get it and it frustrates me immensely esp since he grew up in a more stable family, 6 kids, very patient mother.  It sets a very bad tone for our house and family and isn't teaching the kids the right way and that's what's so aggravating.

I feel so disheartened right now b/c I feel like I've tried so hard not tor repeat my parents or grandparents patterns only to find myself in this position raising my kids or my dh raising my kids similar to the way I was raised. 

I wish, wish, wish, hope and pray every day that he will realize the connection to his actions and words and our children.  Today in church the main meeting was talking about parenting, the importance, etc.  I could tell he wasn't paying any attention at all.  He just wants results of them to do what he's saying without spending the time to help them respect him.  I can see where this is all going with the kids when they're teenagers= very rebellious teenagers, like I was.  Why can't he see this.

I've honestly considered going my own direction.  Would it be better to just get them out of that situation?  The problem is that when he is patient with them...after our talks...then he can be great, it just doesn't last long.

I honestly feel abandoned by God in my life.  I always used to rely on him for answers re: deep, tough issues but I've prayed for years over this one and seen absolutely no action.  Very frustrating.

[Tigerchild]

If you divorce your husband because you think he yells too much, how to you anticipate this helping the children?  He will still see them on a regular basis, without you, and you will never know if he's yelling or not, nor will he have any more (probably he will have less) incentive to listen to your parenting ideals or try to do them.  They won't be getting out of "that situation".

Have you considered counseling to help you mediate this?  Do you think that you may at all be projecting and/or overreacting to his "yelling" based on your own family of origin issues?  Are you children frightened of him (it seems not).  I know that due to a very abusive childhood, I am hypersensitive and highly anxious/critical of my partner doing anything that even *remotely* looks like what i went through (raised voice, my interpretation of "tone", ect.).  when we have gone through our rought parenting phases, though, if I am blunt with myself, the problem was less about him and more about me.  I was overreacting.  I was getting in the way of his establishing *his own* relationship with the kids (that did not always look like mine).  I was getting upset and causing distress, anger, and chaos in our home--the kids didn't care that he did things differently.  I was so determined to not be my parents that my fear and anxiety was creating almost as many problems and I was blind to it. 

Sometimes it's very easy to fantasize that parenting would be so perfect if it wasn't for our partner getting in the way of our Master Plan.  The truth is a little more complicated than that.
 

Originally Posted by Drewsmom 

I've honestly considered going my own direction.  Would it be better to just get them out of that situation?  The problem is that when he is patient with them...after our talks...then he can be great, it just doesn't last long.

[Lisa1970]

I laid it on the line with my dh that he was not to act that way and I was at least as "firm" with him as he tried to be with them.

Thing is, in divorce, you cannot just pick up the kids and go and they never deal with him again. In reality, you go, but they still have to see him. Only now, they are alone with him for long periods at a time. In many states, joint custody is the law and judges do not see yelling as abuse or any sort of reason to not do joint custody. In fact, I know where I am (Texas) even corporal punishment is considered fine. So leaving him means you don't have to see it anymore, but he will be the sole person in charge of the children in your absence and they will still deal with him. No court will keep a dad from his children based on yelling. I am sorry.

[Lisa1970]

Oh..and I know of someone who was ordered to stop breastfeeding because it was interfering with a 6 month old baby's visitation! So, the courts usually, depending on state, but most states will do all they can to accomodate the other parent.

[Drewsmom]

Yep, I've thought about all of those points and then some.  The truth is that he really wouldn't see them that often.  We've had times where he's worked away from us during the week and then returned on the weekend.  At first he's home every weekend and the phone calls are frequent at the beginning and then visiting and phone calls taper off.  It was actually during that first time he worked away from home that ds#1 was 4 at the time that he realized that he really did want to be a Dad I think.  That's the first time the bonding really started for dh and ds so it turned out to be a good thing.  He was a work-a-holic until then I think in part just to avoid things at home.

But tigerchild I think you have some valid points as well. I am overreactive to things and the fact is that I'm no perfect parent either.  At least dh is willing to listen when I talk to him about it and try to work on it after that for awhile.  I just wish he was more proactive in looking at exactly what type of parent he wants to be and working towards that with a long-term goal.  He does bring things to the table that I don't.

[Tigerchild]

Don't bet on that "truth", especially when you relate the fact that when he was separate from the kids often that he really realized he wanted to be a dad.  Especially if he is hurt and angry and confused over the divorce.

Originally Posted by Drewsmom 

The truth is that he really wouldn't see them that often.  We've had times where he's worked away from us during the week and then returned on the weekend.  At first he's home every weekend and the phone calls are frequent at the beginning and then visiting and phone calls taper off.  It was actually during that first time he worked away from home that ds#1 was 4 at the time that he realized that he really did want to be a Dad I think.  That's the first time the bonding really started for dh and ds so it turned out to be a good thing.  He was a work-a-holic until then I think in part just to avoid things at home.