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Is it your job to figure out and make the meals on the weekend or your DP's days off too? - Page 2

post #21 of 47
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by HollyBearsMom View Post

Maybe it's because its I am a new SAHP but we don't think so black and white nor are we keeping score on who does what. shrug.gif

 

Our "jobs" are pretty much broken up into our strengths but each of us picks up the slack when needed.

 

 

 

It's really REALLY hard not to keep score when you have been up every hour of every night for over a week with a teething baby.

I feel like, if I were him, I would be so darn glad I was getting to sleep and not have to up all night. I would at least attempt to help when I could.

The thing is.... my DH does NOT pick up on any slack. If there is ever anything I can't do, I have to ask him nicely to do it, and he does it- but sulks. He is not the type that clearly sees the heavy load of laundry needs to be carried down, the sink piling up, the crumbs, the unmade beds, towels all over the floor.............

He just floats around and over these things.

Because of this, I don't ask for much.

Our "jobs" are also broken up into our strengths and most of the time I am very happy doing what I am doing.

I just get very hurt about his attitude on whose job what is. It bothers me that he just takes it all for granted. I've told his this a million times.

Nothing changes and every once in a while I become resentful.

 

 

 

 

 

However since you got that kind of response from your husband and since you said you are pretty organized have you thought about feeding the freezer and/or doing some creative cooking that would give you a break a few times a week? For example its just as easy to roast two chickens as it is to roast one. One can be used for a weekday/weekend meal and the other can be turned into chicken salad, burritos, quesidilla, pot pie, etc. 

 

Yes, I do this kind of thing and I'm good at managing the kitchen, food inventory, meal planning.......

The making ahead is what I'm going to have to do more of.

It's not even the work that upsets me. It's the fact I have had to live my whole life figuring things out for myself (since I was a child), figuring out how to be okay. I wanted more from my partner. It hurts to know that I never had and never will have someone to "take care of me" even for 1 hour of my life.

This is kind of dramatic and this is a sore spot for me, probably due to past injuries.

Lack of sleep makes me shaky and VERY sensitive.

DH is actually a good guy. He loves us all and works hard to make money to support us. I am generally happy with him and wouldnt trade him. I know he wants me to be happy, but he just never quite "gets" things.



 

 

post #22 of 47

It's generally my job, but if I don't feel up to it for any reason, whether on weekends or weekdays, I'll tell him and either he'll cook or he'll pick up take-out on his way home from work.  There are no really strict rules around here as far as who does what, but lots of general rules, and yes generally meals are always my thing.  But flexibility keeps things feeling OK to me.

post #23 of 47

 

Is this new behavior on his part or was he like this when you married him? 

Quote:

The thing is.... my DH does NOT pick up on any slack. If there is ever anything I can't do, I have to ask him nicely to do it, and he does it- but sulks. He is not the type that clearly sees the heavy load of laundry needs to be carried down, the sink piling up, the crumbs, the unmade beds, towels all over the floor.............

He just floats around and over these things.

Because of this, I don't ask for much.

Our "jobs" are also broken up into our strengths and most of the time I am very happy doing what I am doing.

I just get very hurt about his attitude on whose job what is. It bothers me that he just takes it all for granted. I've told his this a million times.

Nothing changes and every once in a while I become resentful.

 

 


Quote:
Originally Posted by mom2happy View Post

It's not even the work that upsets me. It's the fact I have had to live my whole life figuring things out for myself (since I was a child), figuring out how to be okay. I wanted more from my partner. It hurts to know that I never had and never will have someone to "take care of me" even for 1 hour of my life
 

 

 

post #24 of 47
Thread Starter 



 

Quote:
Originally Posted by HollyBearsMom View Post

 

Is this new behavior on his part or was he like this when you married him? 

 


 

 



He spent 2 years on his BEST behavior and after we got married he started getting comfortable (which is the case for everyone when they get to know each other better)

When we both worked, I got home 1 hour before him and he thought I should have dinner ready. I told him I needed some time to unwind and he should stop being so silly. We went out a lot and I made simple foods (didn't know how to cook yet)

I don't even remember who did what when we both worked. There were no kids yet.

I got pregnant before our first anniversary and had to stop working for medical reasons at about 6 months pregnant.

I was home all day and the running the household was a breeze because I had nothing else to do.

Then came baby #1. He stepped in to help for about 10 days while recovering from a c section, but at that point I could see that he just had "his thing" and "my thing" sorted out in his mind.

It still wasn't a problem because it was delightful with one baby.

Then along came DS. I had a TERRIBLE pregnancy and another c/s. DD1 turned 2 on the day DS came home and it was the same thing. He did what he had to do because I absolutely couldn't.

Now we have 3 and he doesn't see how much more work I have now.

It's just "my thing" in his mind. I've told him how I feel many times and he just doesn't see it.

The crazy part is- I love what I do. I love being a mom, making our meals, taking care of our home.

I'm just SO TIRED! Even if he were to ask me once a week if I needed him to carry anything downstairs on one of his trips, I would feel cared for.

In the scheme of things this is probably pretty petty. I just need to get it off my mind so I don't communicate with him the wrong way.

 

post #25 of 47

It sounds like Acts of Service is a love language for you, but not him.  You might talk about love languages with him.  Have you read about that?

post #26 of 47

Do you plan meals before you shop?  If not you should, this can save you money and you can do it together.  If you shop for 2 weeks plain for 14 meals list them and mark them off as you make them.  

 

My husband is a chef and this method prevents large grocery bills and arguments because of his impulisive cooking nature. 

post #27 of 47

It's my job, but if I really don't want to we'll either eat leftovers or he might grill something.  Or smoke it.  He likes to smoke meats because he can be outside all day checking on it while he works (we have a small farm and there are ALWAYS things to be done outside).  Then I can just ask one of the kids to toss a salad together or something if I don't have time.  I enjoy cooking, but certain times of the year we are extremely busy outside or I've been processing meat all day, or canning, or prepping foods for the dehydrator (we have a plug in one and a solar one).  I try to keep some quick things in the freezer (whether it's whole meals or just 'starts').

post #28 of 47
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamazee View Post

It sounds like Acts of Service is a love language for you, but not him.  You might talk about love languages with him.  Have you read about that?



Acts of service absolutely must be my language. It is the way I show my family and anyone I am close to how I feel.

Any more info on this? Is there a book?

 

post #29 of 47
Thread Starter 



 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marsupialmom View Post

Do you plan meals before you shop?  If not you should, this can save you money and you can do it together.  If you shop for 2 weeks plain for 14 meals list them and mark them off as you make them.  

 

My husband is a chef and this method prevents large grocery bills and arguments because of his impulisive cooking nature. 



He actually isn't even home for dinner, so her could care less and wouldnt want to waste time with the thought.

I actually enjoy doing this and I'm pretty organized with it.

I think I started the post out of frustration and the real issue is deeper.

My longer post responding to Hollybearsmom sums it up.

It's the 7 days and nights a week of housework and taking care of the kids and feeling like he doesn't care.

 

 

post #30 of 47

the author has a site here http://www.5lovelanguages.com/ with info about his books and other info as well.  Remember that if his love language isnt' acts of service, it's possible that he isn't getting his needs met either, so I'd help him understand how you express love but also figure out how he expresses it, and hopefully it'll help both of you.

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by mom2happy View Post





Acts of service absolutely must be my language. It is the way I show my family and anyone I am close to how I feel.

Any more info on this? Is there a book?

 



 

post #31 of 47

I do it.  I'm the household manager in the partnership, and food is included in that.  He will occasionally take the whole family out to eat, or bring something home, and I appreciate that, but I don't consider it his job.  It also doesn't take me huge amounts of time to plan and cook, so it's honestly not something that is worth resenting, for me.

 

The thing is, although I'm "on call" 24/7 with the kids, especially when they're little, dh doesn't have days off.  He does physically demanding work all week, and while his hours are a little more defined, much of the time I feel he's working a lot harder, and having a lot less fun, than I am.  So I cook without anger. :)

post #32 of 47

DH usually cooks on the days he doesn't work (3 days/week). He asks me what's I'd like for dinner but if I don 't have any preferences then he decides. He usually takes our daughter with him to do the shopping as well, although sometimes we all go together.

 

We also feed the freezer and occasionally have simple meals like eggs or baked beans on toast if neither of us feel like making the effort.

post #33 of 47


This is our situation too. DH works on cars all day, working 55-70 hours/week, and when he's not working, he's doing several projects that need to constantly be done around the house(there's always an ongoing list when you live on 1/3 acre) spending time with DS, or catching up on sleep. While it doesn't always feel exactly even, it's our situation, and I feel that it's definintely my job to come up with meals. Except when I'm hugely pregnant, sick and tired. Then I make other arrangements. If DH is too busy or not home from work, I'll eat with my parents, or we'll do something simple. Another reason I'm so happy to have family nearby. It's not always on me. I think that's most of what makes our situation work so well.

Quote:
Originally Posted by cappuccinosmom View Post

I do it.  I'm the household manager in the partnership, and food is included in that.  He will occasionally take the whole family out to eat, or bring something home, and I appreciate that, but I don't consider it his job.  It also doesn't take me huge amounts of time to plan and cook, so it's honestly not something that is worth resenting, for me.

 

The thing is, although I'm "on call" 24/7 with the kids, especially when they're little, dh doesn't have days off.  He does physically demanding work all week, and while his hours are a little more defined, much of the time I feel he's working a lot harder, and having a lot less fun, than I am.  So I cook without anger. :)



 

post #34 of 47

I cook and I clean up.  I hate menu planning.  I have been doing this now for just shy of 8yrs and it's getting old.  I like the idea that I have things written out so I am not trying to figure out what we are having while 2 toddlers are hanging off me at 5pm, but I hate that I am the one who does it w/no input from my dh. 

 

Maybe if he would help in the rest of the household responsibilities, then maybe this would be easier for me.  To me, its just one more chore.

post #35 of 47
Quote:
Originally Posted by cappuccinosmom View Post

 

The thing is, although I'm "on call" 24/7 with the kids, especially when they're little, dh doesn't have days off.  He does physically demanding work all week, and while his hours are a little more defined, much of the time I feel he's working a lot harder, and having a lot less fun, than I am.  So I cook without anger. :)

I feel this way too.  My dh goes above and beyond for his family w/out ever complaining.  I can strive to do the same.  He definitely works way harder physically than I do.
 

 

post #36 of 47
Quote:
Originally Posted by starbuckmom View Post

I cook and I clean up.  I hate menu planning.  I have been doing this now for just shy of 8yrs and it's getting old.  I like the idea that I have things written out so I am not trying to figure out what we are having while 2 toddlers are hanging off me at 5pm, but I hate that I am the one who does it w/no input from my dh. 

 

Maybe if he would help in the rest of the household responsibilities, then maybe this would be easier for me.  To me, its just one more chore.

Sorry, my multi quote is not working for me right now.

 

I do struggle with always being the one to come up with meal/snack ideas.  Almost no one will give me input when I ask.  The kids just want to eat whatever I make because they are "staaaarrrrrving" and dh will eat whatever I put in front of him.  I personally think they are all incredibly spoiled w/always having a wide variety and now they just think I will come up with something amazing w/absolutely no effort.  Um, yeah, sometimes I'd still love to just veg my brain awhile and NOT have to come up w/a plan, lol.  Usually I just end up starting to cook w/out knowing what I'm making.  I don't use many recipes.
 

 

post #37 of 47

my dh will not willingly cook a meal, even on the weekends. he just wont. a simple, "im not cooking today" means he either has to 1) run to food4less to buy hot dogs, buns, and chili beans, 2) get take out or 3) starve all day.

 

he sometimes will happily do number 3 :)

post #38 of 47
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chicky2 View Post
Sorry, my multi quote is not working for me right now.

 

I do struggle with always being the one to come up with meal/snack ideas.  Almost no one will give me input when I ask.  The kids just want to eat whatever I make because they are "staaaarrrrrving" and dh will eat whatever I put in front of him.  I personally think they are all incredibly spoiled w/always having a wide variety and now they just think I will come up with something amazing w/absolutely no effort.  Um, yeah, sometimes I'd still love to just veg my brain awhile and NOT have to come up w/a plan, lol.  Usually I just end up starting to cook w/out knowing what I'm making.  I don't use many recipes.

I am the exact same way and have told my husband he has been spoiled rotten!  Not only do I like to cook, I am damn good at it too. I can make a "real" meal with just stuff in the house. Came home from vaca recently to basically an empty fridge and was still able to cook a dinner of garlic/citrus chicken, roasted potatoes and glazed carrots.  Sure it takes a little creativity (and a well fed freezer/pantry) but I find it to be kind a puzzle or mystery game.  

 

While he does cook and often picks up the slack it is pretty much the same rotation of spaghetti and meatballs, stuffed pork chops or hamburgers. I do love the summer tho when he has grill fired up more nights than not! Then I can sit outside with a glass of wine and watch him cook!

 


 

 

post #39 of 47

I cook and do all of our meal planning.  DP is a terrible cook, but he's a forgiving eater.  He understands if we need to eat hot dogs for dinner one night because I need a break.

post #40 of 47

My DH has never cooked. He will grill meat in the summer, though, and I'll make the sides. I don't mind at all, though, because he isn't picky or demanding. If I don't feel like cooking, we'll eat cereal or sandwhiches or just order something. I'd say I cook 4-5 nights a week. I also make breakfast and lunch 6-7 days a week.

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