Friend hurt my feelings--why do I still feel bad?

[ElsieLC]

A good friend said something to me in passing that hurt my feelings. I even called her later in the day to make sure I hadn't misunderstood, and I hadn't. I was too upset to say "That's not true, and don't say it again."

My friend is going through a hard time, so I'd like to chalk it up to stress in her life. Normally, she is sensitive and kind.

But I feel like I'm being punched in the stomach every time I see her. Our kids go to the same preschool, so I see her nearly every day. I have made polite chit chat but I am exhausted afterward.

I can't remember the last time I felt destroyed by a comment from anyone. I am a no-drama kind of person, I usually get over my upsets in a matter of days (if not hours), but this is becoming ridiculous. Why am I still feeling it so intensely?

[ChristyMarie]

Perhaps you feel truly betrayed becasue you considered her a friend and she said something to you that you'd never say to her?  That's what I'm going through right now and it really truly hurts.  My *friend* isn't even speaking to me right now - because of her behavior.  How messed up is that?

I think female friendships can be really hard and when things go wrong they hurt because some of us really devote a lot of emotions and caring into maintaining then.  And others seem to not care at all.

(((Hugs)))

[sebandg'smama]

Have you thought about talking to her further about it?  Maybe write a letter?

I am sorry that you are going through this.  I hope you can come to some resolution with her, or within yourself.

-Melanie

[Katwoman]

Because someone you thought highly of, see on a regular basis, apparently doesn't think much of you in this area.  (And some areas are intensely personal!)  That's why you're still feeling it. 

It's one thing to know people out there don't like you or don't agree with you doing x.  It's quite another to come face to face with it.  And then have to live with that person every day.  It's not easy.

Even if you had said something to defend yourself, it still would hurt that someone that was your friend would say something like that.

(I had a similar situation recently.  In my case the person - or people - who said the REALLY hurtful things about me have not been identified.  Other than the fact that she/them are in a group of people I see twice a week.  So, it's really a vunerable feeling to know people don't like me that much, but they all act like they do to my face.  UGH!)

[journeymom]

You were too upset to say, "That's not true."   So did she say something factually untrue about you? So would correcting her factual mistake help correct the situation? 

[ElsieLC]

Originally Posted by journeymom 

You were too upset to say, "That's not true."   So did she say something factually untrue about you? So would correcting her factual mistake help correct the situation? 

Yeah, it was a) factually untrue and b) about my child. My kid has special needs Condition A (a physical condition) and my friend said that my kid has Condition B (a mental condition). At some point I should probably correct her for the record and to practice advocating for my child. Hard to figure out how to do that without making an even bigger "thing" of it now, though ("You said my child has red hair, but she only has brown hair! *Sob* How could you?").

This sounds so petty when I put it in writing, but I repeated to the conversation to two other friends who were gobsmacked also.

One reason it hurts so much is that it feels like she hasn't been paying attention to what Condition A entails. She doesn't "get it," and it's disappointing to realize that about a friend.

[Alyantavid]

I'd talk to her.  So that your feelings can be heard and she can have a chance to explain why she'd say something hurtful.

Sometimes, you've got to take a step back.  I'm in the midst of this right now with one of my oldest and closest friends.  I don't want to end our friendship but I have to take a break from it.  Just to put some time between right now and the things she said and to regain the trust in our friendship that she ruined.  Whether that'll happen or not remains to be seen.

[worthy]

Originally Posted by ElsieLC 

Yeah, it was a) factually untrue and b) about my child. My kid has special needs Condition A (a physical condition) and my friend said that my kid has Condition B (a mental condition). At some point I should probably correct her for the record and to practice advocating for my child. Hard to figure out how to do that without making an even bigger "thing" of it now, though ("You said my child has red hair, but she only has brown hair! *Sob* How could you?").

This sounds so petty when I put it in writing, but I repeated to the conversation to two other friends who were gobsmacked also.

One reason it hurts so much is that it feels like she hasn't been paying attention to what Condition A entails. She doesn't "get it," and it's disappointing to realize that about a friend.

Calm voice (practice at home):  "I have been thinking about something you said and I need to respond.  I just want to be clear that (my child) does not have Condition B, even though it might look that way to you.  S/he has Condition A, and it's important to me that my friends understand the difference.  Here is what I need you to know about Condition A:  (here you make the points that you want her to remember, keeping it short and simple - for example, "this means I have X challenge, this means she has Y challenge, this means our family has Z challenge, this means Q is difficult/impossible for me/her/our family" (etc). 

And then you say, "There is a lot that I don't share publicly, and there is a lot that others who aren't 'in my shoes can't understand, so please ask if you are unsure about what we are going through with this.  I appreciate your friendship and it matters to me that you understand."

If she interrupts or gets defensive, say calmly "Please don't interrupt - I need to finish what I need to say, and then I want to hear what you have to say."

{{{hugs}}}  It is so hard when a friend doesn't (or can't) understand and hurts you with their cluelessness.  Good luck.
 

[journeymom]

Worthy, that's brilliant. I can never think of those very reasonable statements.

[Snapdragon]

criticism can really hurt one's feelings- it happens to me too! even in small ways, it still stings. Like  I recently had someone I don't even know that well be rude to me- and I am like, wow, she was rude- and yet it still stings! Or tonight my dad criticized some behavior of mine (via email) and he was actually right about it- and I still feel alll put out by it. I think it takes time and it just simply hurts people's feelings to be criticized!

[beenmum]

Some People who dont have SN kids truely truely do not understand how important it is to us to be, if not educated, at least accurate about our kids conditions.

If someone says my DD is retarded, I say  she is cognitively delayed. They dont see the difference and sometimes egt offended that I corrected them. But to me.....my child is not retarded. That is an antiquated term and insulting in what it suggests and represents.

Friends "get it" even if only surfacely b/c it upset you. Non friends dont care that it upset you.

[Graceie]

I think if a friendship can't handle a you said I felt type conversation is not worth being in because it can't grow after a point I hope you can sit down and talk

[frugalmum]

I had something similar happen within the last year with a friend.  When I conceived my last pregnancy (which I ended up losing at 17 weeks) she told me how stupid and careless I was to get pregnant again, and hadn't i heard of birth control.  I was stunned.  First, I have good family support, second, we are well off financially, third, the children we do have are beautiful and well rounded, we never stop getting compliments on how sweet they are.  so it's not like I have a track record of horrible parenting, or neglecting my kids.  This outburst was totally out of left field.  Not once during the pregnancy did she ask me how I was doing/ feeling.... nothing.

When I did lose the baby she was devastated for me.  But by that point the damage had been done.  I am still trying to pick up the pieces and wonder if the friendship is even worth it anymore.  It brings tears to my eyes just typing this.

Just for the record I don't expect the world to be happy about each of my pregnancies.... but up until that point I considered her my best friend.

[ElsieLC]

Thank you to everyone who replied--it really helped me think this through. Such profound comments from all of you. I have figured out a few things:

 - My friend's comment hurt so much because it confirmed what I had been subconciously noticing about her:  that she thinks there's something wrong with my child. If anyone else had made the same statement, I could've said quite calmly, "Oops, you used the wrong term. You meant to say DD has Condition A, not Condition B" and that would've been the end of it.

 - Sometimes we think a friend is a Be My Maid of Honor Friend when actually she's an Invite To The Reception Friend. 

 - Over the years, I have been puzzled by my friend's behavior. Nothing big, but there are dark corners in this friendship.

 - It's not uncommon to be hurt by a well-meaning friend.

Some positive actions I took to help me move through the grief:

 - I spent more time with other friends instead and had a great time. Which was a wonderful reality check. No dark corners with these people.

 - Talked to the director at my kid's school to enlist her aid in case DD's teacher ever feels I am missing something. This way, I'm confident actual professionals are keeping an extra eye on my kid, and I won't be thrown into agonies of doubt if another mom comments negatively on my child.