WHAT am I going to do?!

[peaceful_mama]

I'm really trying to work on some things I've messed up.  Our lives have been almost nothing but stress and change for about the last 2 1/2 years.  My mom moved in shortly before my 2 year 4 month old was born.

I'm sure I had PPD after him and DEFINENTLY after the almost-4 month old....who was also born with a birth defect.  He'll be fine, but he has 2 more surgeries in the next year or so.

My kids.....well, I turned into this demanding, nagging shrew of a mommy a lot of the time.  Oh and we had no vehicle for the last couple months of my pregnancy so we almost NEVER left home.  And home is now far too small for us.  And to top it all off DH got laid off and is thinking about going back to school but for now we are living on next to nothing...but I am still at home because really what's the point?  He's going back to school, and my son will need someone at the hospital camped out with him for 2 surgeries in about 8 months time.  His first stay was 5 days...but they had to do some tests, he had surgery day 3.  So I really don't know how many days he'll be in the hospital....and what we'll need to do for care after?

anyway back to the topic at hand.  Somewhere in the middle of all this....the kids are out of control.

My 6 year old calls me a jerk, never wants to leave anywhere--has to be the last one out, WILL NOT LISTEN.  Three times now in the last few months I've had to have someone else talk to him or bribe him out the door.  We *have* talked about it.  NOTHING changes. 

And he will outright ignore most things you ask him to do.  The worst is when he starts just counting at me or talking about money.  Outright ignores what I just asked him to do but will say "Mom, if you have two quarters and 5 nickels how much money do you have?" or something.  The counting thing, the math and the money is so obsessive that I almost wonder if he's got Asperger's or something?  I mean, it went on so long and often today that I finally said "I am SICK of talking about money!"  (or hearing, one of the two) Yes, he'll talk about other things, but money and math are his pet subjects right now.  I'm TRYING to direct him into some fun activities where he can do it and not be yakking at me constantly about it.  Very seldom works.

And he's got to choose, no matter how many times I have told him he needs to pick another time...to be asking me or telling me something about this when his 2 year old brother is yelling, his sister is having one of her crazy moments, and the baby is also crying.

My 4 year old DD-----she has crazy spells.  Rages.  Don't know what to call it.  She totally knows what she is doing and can turn it off and on at will.  She runs through the apt. screaming and throwing things, hitting, trying to hurt her brothers.  I KNOW she's in control of it because I restrained her one day, literally held her down and did not let her go---now all I have to do is mention that possibility and she will shut it off--at least for that moment.  Also, if it was a true out-of-control rage issue...her dad would be seeing it.  She does not do it when he is home.  (makes it all the better, I've tried telling him how it is, but he's never SEEN it.)

This child will not stay in a time-out, I've attempted it, it turns into one of these extreme tantrums.

and my 2 year old is following right in her footsteps--he swears, he screams, and it's not a discipline issue but he can tell you all day long poop and pee go in the potty but he has yet to do it.  He *could*.  He manages to pee in the bathtub on a regular basis LOL

I'm not proud but I've spanked.  I know that's part of the problem.  I've yelled.  That's part of the problem.

But I've also apologized and changed a lot.  I don't spank anymore.  And my 4 year old still has these extreme tantrums.  And my 6 year old, I hate to take him to something like a b-day party because he won't leave!

I have literally had moments where I feel like I screwed up so bad I just want to run away. 

to make it all the better like I said dd is not like this around DH and DS is a great kid for the most part at school.

do they just need time to realize that I'm not going to be like that anymore?

Oh and here's another thing my mom....can't ASK them to do anything it's "GET OUT OF MY ROOM!"  "Clean up this mess" everything is just nasty and negative and I really hate hearing her talk to my kids...I know it's part of how *I* ended up being so negative with them.  I feel like I was a great parent till we all moved in together...

[mom2grrls]

You said you've changed, how long did it take you to do some changing?  Doing things differently takes time, kids need time to respond to new ways, lots of time and patience.  First I would look at your normal routine-is everyone getting the proper amount of sleep, regular meal/snacktimes, outside time?  If all that was set i'd look at the things I want to change for myself and get that taken care of before I focus on the kids.  Kids do what you do so if you're screaming and stressed they will be too.  If you feel you have PPD get treated for it.   Although it seems like it sometimes the kids are not out to get you with their behavior, they're communicating that something is not right.

Is it possible for mom to move in with another family member?  Or perhaps you all move to a larger living space?

[peaceful_mama]

I'm in search of a larger living space.  As far as family, we are it.  I'm the only child.  I've considered the fact that there's resources to help her live away from us....and MY priority, cold hard fact, needs to be MY KIDS, not her.  The reality is she does do some of the housework, but beyond that we NEED the contribution right now.

I've thought about returning to work to save $ for a bigger, better home for the kids....nothing is certain at all right now, DH is going back to school, job laid him off and he has an opportunity to get school paid for.  This is good, but I hate the uncertainty of everything.  And I feel like he just lives in a world of what we could do and not wanting to commit to anything...like i know if tomorrow I found the perfect bigger house to rent with a fenced in yard he would balk at commiting to a year lease or whatever.  But the point is right now we all hate where we live.  It's too small, we have no yard, the neighborhood is the type of people who basically don't parent their kids from what I see day to day--the majority, not all.  but I'm done crabbing now.  Time to do something about it, anything.....I'm looking for the bigger place, and we'll see what actually happens when I find it.  no I haven't totally left reality, I realize dh will have to have a job before we can leave here.  But right now anyway there is nothing, I've just gotten a name or two of people to check with who would be OK to rent from at some point.