Good Morning Mothers- I've been creeping on this forum all morning, and while I know this is mostly a place for happy- excited mama's to be- but I have no one to talk to. I really really don't want to hurt or offend anyone suffering a loss and I hope
I'm 21 years old, Up until a week ago I lived with my boyfriend, B, who is 29 and a few roommates in a cozy little townhouse in my hometown. Though we have only been together about 9 or 10 months- we are very much in love and talk often of our plans for the future.
I work full time and B's struggling as a carpenter in an economy where his career has almost become obsolete, we're a little tight some months but I've managed to keep our heads above water so far, we never miss a bill although we do acquire the occasional late fee.
We (er, I ) also have the additional responsibility of caring for my Mother, who is a schizophrenic. She does not live with us, but we do stay with her during the times her symptoms are particularly harsh but not bad enough to warrant another hospitalization. I have legal custody of my mother when she is not competent to make decisions and though it can be a burden, knowing that I- with full knowledge of her particular pattern of illness and always my mother's best interests- am the one responsible for her care and not just another burnt out hospital social worker has been much more blessing and comfort than curse.
I tell you all this so you can better understand my reasoning's behind the decision I made, so you'll not think me heartless. Right before christmas, we found out we were pregnant.
My period has always been irregular and I've always taken my ortho tri religiously- so I hadn't really been worried when my period was late- I figured it was just Stress related and between work and mom and the never ending pile of bills- Stress was absolutely a factor -but when I skipped it altogether and was on my way to skipping another I thought I might as well pick up a test, mostly so that I wouldn't obsess over the faint chance- I was hysterical. I couldn't even imagine the scope of responsibility. How would I be able to give a child the upbringing it deserves, my mother the proper care, and a roof over all of our heads? I have always known I wanted to be a Mother, and a Wife. Always. Growing up with my mother in and out of institutions taught me more than anything else that the most important thing I can give a child is stability- and looking at that test shaking between my hands all I could think is how ill prepared I am to be emotionally, spiritually, financially stable enough to give my child the upbringing I want. . It didn't seem fair to the little zygote to be.
I had an abortion. I had an abortion- and it went Badly. Very Badly. I went to a private clinic because I thought it would be… I don’t know, higher quality care? Because I didn’t want to walk across a picket line on the worst day of my life? When they were prepping me, they asked me if it was okay if the intern performed the procedure, B and I were adamant that it was not.
The doctors in the room never read my chart, an intern performed the procedure and just about perforated my uterus with the dilator, he also used the wrong surgical aspiration machine, choosing to use the method for pregnancies 5 weeks and under- when mine was at least 8 wks.. As a result of the procedure I developed a blood infection, a uterine infection, endrometriosis- And-
As I was informed yesterday-
I’m Still Pregnant.
My hgc levels are at 55000- and I have an ultrasound on Thursday to confirm- I’m so scared. My boyfriend and I never really got through the abortion aftermath. He moved out over a week ago and we’ve not been talking as we are “on a break”
I haven’t told him that the blood test showed I have a continued pregnancy. The (new- and I love her) doctor told me over the phone when letting me know the test results that she thinks I may have been pregnant with fraternal twins at the time of the abortion and because the intern and his supervisors never even opened my chart- they didn’t know they hadn’t gotten everything.
I feel horrible. I don’t know if I’m even dealing with a viable life after everything that's happened to my poor uterus, I'll know more on thursday- all I can do now is panic.