Kate, thank you for your updates. I saw this post last night but didn't quite know what to say. I have been praying for you.
Marcie said it best. What a sweet miracle that Lima Bean is still with us.
I don't even have the right words, Kate - I'm aching for you, for everything you've had to go through up to this point and for the agonizing mental load you're under! No one should have to deal with so much all at once.
It is clear to me, though, that you are an incredibly strong and amazing woman and that you WILL come through this...a little at a time, just the way you're already doing.
Know that you and Lima Bean are in my thoughts and that all the positive, supportive, light-filled vibes I can muster are headed directly at you!
Please keep us posted as you are able.
And please never feel alone in this journey, you have us now, and you can vent about anything, talk about anything, share anything, without having to be afraid of being judged. We're happy to have you, and I have to say, there must be a very special purpose for Lima Bean, considering the fact that he/she is still here!
And you know what? Ultimately, NO ONE knows exactly what they are doing. How they are going to make it all work. We are all just doing the best we can with the means we have at this particular time. We mess up, we learn, we move on and do better. You will do the same thing, and you will be fine! Somehow you will find a way to make it work with your mom and your baby. Take it one day at a time, and when that is too hard (and it probably will be, some days) take it one hour at a time.
One tip that worked for me personally: look up some pictures on the internet of what your babe looks like now. It makes it more real, more tangible, and for me it made it easier to bond. This is a site that has a cool pregnancy ticker and really nice pictures of your developing Lima Bean.
and what a cute little Lima Bean you have! Honestly, I wouldn't worry too much about the sushi and smoking and what not. I didnt find out I was pregnant until almost 7 weeks and during that time I ate sushi every day, drank a 6 pack eveynight, finished off 2 pakcs of smokes, and enjoyed a red bull atleast twice a day. My baby did split from the sac, but everything is a-okay now. I've quit smoking, drinking, the whole thing..and everything is going great!! Don't worry too much, its out of your hands, girl!
I am impressed by your willingness to be open and ask for help when you need it. This is not one of those things that you should bear alone. Nobody can tell you what choice(s) to make, we can only give you a listening ear. No matter what choices you make, I will not judge you. I can only imagine how things must be for you right now. That said, you must be a strong person because I believe that we are only dealt what we can handle and you have been dealt a lot in the past while.
As someone who has made the decision to abort in the past I can understand a little of what you are going through. It's obviously not an easy choice and in my own experience I have deep deep issues with regret. It's not something I tell everyone that's for sure. During the birth of my son I had major feelings of unworthiness and guilt, not to mention issues with the scar tissue on my cervix and uterus caused by the abortion (it was painful). At that time in my life, I was about the same age and felt very pressured into it. The timing was not 'right', nobody was supportive (including ex bf), we had no money, and I was 'young'. Looking back now I see that yes, many of those were valid arguments but I still could've done it. Knowing what I know now, I could never go through with another abortion again. Every aspect of it was frightening beyond belief for me. I can't (and wont) ever tell you what to do with your life or that of your little one. I can only give you my story because it's sometimes good to hear from others who have gone through a 'similar' experience. Nobody ever talks about it because it's so taboo and that's sad and a little scary.
I really hope you are able to find the strength to make the choice you will ultimately have to make, and feel ok about it. If you ever want to talk please feel free to message me. There's a whole group of us that are here to support you.
Take care and hugs to you.
I think Marcie echo's my thoughts pretty well. Sometimes we need to look at these things life gives us and see that maybe our plans for things might not be the way life is taking us. If this is a viable pregnancy and you don't feel raising a child is the best decision there are sooooo many parents available just waiting for a little baby to adopt. I am on the other side of this equation so I know how many of us would love a little one to call their own. Whatever you decide best of luck to you and may you find peace and happiness. Hi little lima bean. Thinking of you both.
Just to let you know, with my first pregnancy (I was 15) I had no idea I was pregnant until 3 or 4 months in and I smoked cigarettes, drank a little and smoked pot. I obviously stopped as soon as I realized but I was insanely worried about it until he was born. My son is now 11 years old and he's brilliant and amazing! He was born at 9lbs4 oz too so I just wanted to put those fears at rest a little. Also I totally understand what it feels like to not know if you can provide a stable enough environment for your child (especially if you don't have a healthy example to look to). If you decide to keep this baby, you absolutely can be a great parent. We are not always the product of our own upbringing. If you decide to give this baby to another loving home - that is also being a great parent. Thanks for the update. You're in my thoughts.
(Sidenote;I keep trying to update you all but my work computer won't seem to let me- This is the fifth try before my deskmate returns, sorry in advance if things are a little fragmented- technical difficulties!)
Update: Thank you. How amazing it is to find such solace, support and strength from a virtual world of strangers? I feel very lifted and encouraged- and that is such a blessing.. Thank you.
I'll try to get all your questions answered-first and most pressing, I went for an ultrasound yesterday but because of her schedule I'm not able to meet with my doctor until monday- so aside from a five minute phone conversation last night to confirm the updated information so far and what to do next- nearly all of my update is based on what the ultrasound technician could and could not tell me. We don't know much- but hopefully I'll know more on monday.
Lima Bean is considered a "viable pregnancy" because there is a heart beat. We do not currently know how much damage there could be both because of the abortion attempt and because of my actions being unaware that I was pregnant. I've been doing everything wrong, I had no idea I wasn't yet alone in my body! So- I had sushi nights. I drank cocktails. I stress chain smoked, and Oh dear lord the Caffiene!!!! But maybe it could be worse though, right? I didn't do coke or crack or anything remotely illegal drugs. So, that's a plus? Maybe?
I had the clinic that did this to me send over all of my treatment information to my new doctor and she said my chart was the sloppiest she's seen since Med School- and that there are actually 3 different dates of pregnancy in the file, so and because of this and my pregnancy hormone already regulating- they actually were not positive how far along I am. My ultrasound technician said that her guess was 10-12 weeks based on size and activity but they are going to get me into another ultrasound on a different machine for a more exact date.
oh! And to clear up any confusion- I just reread my post for the first time and for some reason I wrote "we found out just before christmas" ?? But that's not true, we found out just after christmas. Does anyone else have pregnancy brain?
So. That's what I know.
What I don't know is- how viable this life even is. How in the world I will raise a child if it is viable- or what I'm going to do.
I dont know. I dont know. I dont know.
- I'll have to swing back by in a bit to answer the rest of your questions- just wanted to update you asap!
Lima Bean! You look exactly like my DD1 did at her scan at 10+6. :D So sweet!
Congratulations ConcernedKate. :)
I crave (and eat) sushi right through my pregnancies. LOTS of women have no idea that they are pregnant early on and continue doing all the "wrong" things. Try not to worry on that account.
The fact that Kate is still pregnant has nothing to do with magick and fairy dust, and everything to do with the incompetence of the clinician who performed the abortion. Nothing supernatural or woo or "meant to be" about it - only a gross medical error.
Kate, please do not feel pressured or guilted into continuing this pregnancy by reason of the rather unusual circumstances that have brought you to this place. You seem like a very thoughtful and deliberate young woman who has weighed her situation carefully. Please do everything you can and need to do in order to emerge from this healthy and whole. There's no rational reason why you have to continue this pregnancy, previous posters to the contrary.
I'm having a hard time expressing what I want to say but please know that I'm thinking of you often and that if you like, feel free to PM or e-mail me at any time.
I feel just the same.
Kate, I just wanted to say I'm thinking of you very often and hope that if you need more private support you will feel comfortable contacting me or someone else on this board.
I am so sorry for what that intern did to you, it's so very awful. I wanted to give you extra hugs as someone else who has a schizophrenic mom. It's extra hard to be your mom's caretaker at a time like this when you really need her to be able to take care of you. You must be an incredible person just for what you do for her, I know just how hard it is. I wish you healing through this situation, no matter what you decide, whether you decide to become a mother this pregnancy or you choose to wait until another time to become a mother. Whatever your decision, I hope you can find peace with it and I hope you have someone there by your side through it all. Take care of yourself.
Kate, you obviously have significant stressors in your life & I hope that you find the support you need. I've had abortions in the past when in my 20's, two healthy children when older (at age 34 & 40), and have a schizophrenic uncle whom lives with my parents. I understand some of your challenges. You are so young to be dealing w/ these issues right now. I support you in any decision you make. Best wishes to you.