I also have read without knowing what to say, because there is no one right decision, and there's no one right thing to say. I don't feel you have any obligation to continue the pregnancy, but the fact that you posted the picture and named the little one Lima Bean makes me think that you want to do so. If that is your choice, I hope it goes well for you. If you decide not to continue the pregnancy, I also hope that goes well for you. And whatever you decide, whatever happens, I hope you can find peace. I feel supportive of you on this difficult part of your journey. I hope that whatever comes out of this does have a positive effect for you, and I think it's inevitable that you will grow from the experience. Sometimes it hurts, but there isn't anything to be done, and we nearly always come out of it better people. So, just that, I guess. Support to you in whatever you decide to do, because there are good reasons to go in so many directions from where you are now.
Can anyone give me some advice? I'm sort of- kind of- having a complete nervous breakdown. - Page 3
Hello Again All- So sorry to be so infrequent with the information, but my access to a computer is mostly from my desk at work right now, and I try to only be bearing my soul to strangers on the internet at times when my desk is not being swarmed by not so well intentioned, gossipy coworkers.
First of all- to be clear, I haven't made any decisions yet. I don't have all of the information I need to make a decision yet- and it very well may turn out that there isn't a decision to be made. My doctor was very clear with me that just because there is a heartbeat- does not mean there's a baby compatible for life growing inside of me. In order to subdue my racing thoughts, I am very actively Not Making a Decision until I have all the information to do so.
But this doesn't feel like a miracle.
Making the decision to have an abortion was one of the most horrible experiences I have ever endured, and I'm a tough girl- and I've been through plenty.
This isn't a miracle; it is a sick, twisted, horrible joke. Especially if there's some horribly damaged little soul still inside of me- and suffering because something so critical was done so sloppily.
This doesn't feel like a miracle, because I knew the second I found out I was pregnant that it was not time yet. I knew at that moment with every fiber of my being- and though, and please believe me when I say this, thought it physically ripped my heart out of my chest to know it- I knew that I will not be a welfare mother, I will not endanger my mother's care, and I will not make my unemployed alcoholic semi functional boyfriend a father to a child that deserves Better.
So I made a decision that hurt, and I mean Hurt- as I sat with it- as I waited for my appointment, and that day- which was horrible. The place felt like an abortion mill. The private service, the point I made of seeking out somewhere more- what? It seems so ridiculous to me now. Experienced? Discreet? More Expensive?
That day was the worst of my life. I was in the E.R the next day, with gray and green matter falling out of me. They told me it wasn’t normal, but there was nothing they could really do until I saved some and brought it in- prescribed some pain pills for my torn cervix and then while going over the discharge forms the nurse made a comment about how “nice it must be to be able to dispose of [my] children.” After that, there was the blood infection- with the fever of 104 for 6 days. The hospital saw me twice, different doctor each time. I went through 3 antibiotics before one finally started working and killed the infection. Then there was the infection in my uterus due to the basically perforated cervix, and then three more positive swabs that mean in a matter of 3 weeks I’ve been through 7 rounds of pills.
I also have no way of knowing as of now how that would affect the zygote.
I thought I was doing the right thing. I made the plan early, I talked to my pastor. I asked God to forgive me , and I told the baby over and over to come back later. That I wasn’t ready now. That I was sorry. But thanks to the clinic- I may have been torturing the poor thing inside of me for over a month. “Lima Bean” – I give it a name, though not a serious one to validate that there is something growing inside me. (next to it, by the way, on my uterine lining is also a growth- again, caused by the abortion attempt, and probably needing surgery)
Am I now completely rethinking every decision I’ve made so far ? Oh god yes. Of course I’m having doubts- all of these horrible things happened in and around my body and there’s still something there? The thought is both horrific to me, and somewhat- yes miraculous. But not like this, not hurt, not warped, not something that I will give birth to only to watch suffer horribly and die slowly- who among us would even do that to a dog?
I posted because this is too much. I have so many thoughts racing through my head and heart I can’t breathe. Plus my hormones are so crazy, I can’t even tell anymore what’s coming from me or what’s coming because my body isn’t my own anymore. To answer your questions: No. I am not going to counseling at the clinic. I am staying as far away from that clinic as humanly possible for ever, and ever, and ever. And if there is any further contact between me and the clinic- it will be through a lawyer.
No. I don’t have a lawyer yet. I had two meetings with a few that were actually referred to me by my Now Doctor- 1. does not believe in abortion and therefore is unwilling to take my case. The other would like me to call him after all of my medical issues have been resolved. Unfortunately it has been explained to me that is both very expensive and very difficult to file medical malpractice claims in the state of nh because of the way the process is set up- so for now I’m absorbing the considerable shock of my med-bills- out of pocket meds, etc. Which are quite high as I don’t have insurance.
And I haven’t told Ben- the boyfriend/baby daddy. I haven’t told ben, though we are on much better terms then when I first posted- but only just so. I haven’t told ben be cause things between us aren’t stable. Because after the abortion- after I got sick, he turned on me and blamed me for it. Because I don’t want his never ending stream of opinions yet- and because I know I’m alone in this with or without him.
I’d like to end this little update before my deskmate comes back from lunch as I started the last one- Thank you.
Even if you think I’m scum of the earth for choosing to abort my baby in the first place- none of you has said it. Thank you for listening, thank you for being here and if it turns out to be an option, and I choose to complete this pregnancy it will be an honor watching it happen with all of you.
Who else has boobs so sore they are vibrating?
My heart hurts for you. I am so, so sorry that you've been treated so terribly by professionals that you put your trust in to help you through an already difficult time.
Please take care of yourself. I'm sure there are resources in your area where you can get some counseling, someone to talk to, that are not at/through the clinic. Either way, I support you, no matter what.
Kate, I'm so, so sorry you're going through this. I think your posts and your actions so far show that you are a very smart, capable young woman to make it through this tough time. I have no advice whatsoever other than to do what YOU think is right rather than do what other people think you should do. I'm sure you'll make the right decision. I know you said you looked into suing and found that it was very hard in NH. One last ditch thing to try: Write a letter to the director of the clinic, stating in unemotional terms everything that has happened to you medically and naming the dates & places of your subsequent medical treatment. Enclose copies of bills for medical care. Then tell them you need to have your medical expenses covered or you will sue. My father writes letters like this all the time when companies screw him over and has yet to have one deny some kind of compensation, even if it's less than he wants. Good luck.
What a terrible terrible position to be put in! I can totally see why you are having such an incredibly hard time with everything. While I am one to believe in "meant to be", when I put myself in your shoes, I get what you mean by a sick joke. You made a choice and the doctors took that away from you. Now it's all about the unknown...all the what ifs. It all sounds so painful. I've never been in your position and I can't even imagine being in your position so I could never judge you. Wishing you peace and sending you compassionate hugs.
Oh, my, you and your family are in our prayers!!!
My best friend survived a D&C while in the womb, also unbeknownst to the doctors and her mother, and she is now a mother herself and a baby-catching family doctor! So it is too early to tell... and even a child without that experience may grow up to have any number of physical, mental, or emotional difficulties, so please don't add to your stress level by worrying about the possible side effects right now. (Also, while this is no excuse to drink/smoke now, our grandmothers' generation did PLENTY of that while pregnant, and the species didn't die out ;)
Please, try to relax, and if you can find someone to talk to in person -- maybe your new doctor can recommend someone? -- that will probably help. I know how hard it can be to try to sort through your emotions and choices when you don't feel like you can tell someone nonjudgmental about it. You're not alone!