Homeschooling & the caregiver-child dynamic (a newbie question)

[gozal]

Hi everyone,

I have a 3-year-old and am beginning to explore future educational options. I've been reading around in this forum in the process, and have that very helpful - thank you! I hope it's okay to jump in and ask a question, thought we are not homeschooling right now and may not in the future, I just don't know. In short, I have always wanted a better educational experience for my child than either my husband or I had. We did not have terrible experiences by any stretch of the imagination and both emerged as creative people who love learning, but with what seems to me a great deal of unnecessary aggravation, boredom, and bullying (teachers as well as kids). I am convinced that we can do better and am not going to send my child every day to any place he dislikes. So, homeschooling is always going to be an option and I am exploring if in fact that is top choice.

Here is my question: Right now I feel that my relationship with my child is very harmonious and balanced. I feel that the adult world makes many unreasonable requests of children and I try hard not to direct my child from his chosen activities unless it's necessary and reasonable. As it is, I feel like I have to ask him to do a lot of things he's not into (nothing serious, but for example, changing from pajamas to "clothes" is a social convention that 3-year-olds are not usually interested in). In your experience, have you found that homeschooling requires directing your child more then you would otherwise? Has it changed the dynamic between you (for better or worse)? I know that some educational philosophies, such as unschooling, advocate for less or no parental direction, but I am not comfortable with no direction. (Speaking for myself, I am a highly self-directed learner, but I am grateful for many of the educational situations in which I was directed, because otherwise there are many things I wouldn't know or understand, nor would I have the inclination or discipline to undertake them.)

Thank you for any experiences you can share with me. I truly appreciate it.

[sleet76]

I can understand your worry.  I think that for us, though, we have many more positive moments since they are with me more to outweigh the added direction I give them.  For example, if they were going to school, I'd still have to rush them around and get them ready in the morning, fed, and out the door on time.  We mostly don't have those stresses as homeschoolers.  We get up when we want, eat a leisurely breakfast, and eventually I call them together to do some school.  Much less directing and conflict there than for a school morning.  I do get them to do some work during school time, and while we are very relaxed, I do coerce them to do things they sometimes don't want to.  If there's a ton of resistance, we usually shift gears and do something else--we are super-flexible, and we also only do about 5-12 hrs of school each week (total for a 2nd-grader and a K/1st grader with a 3-yo tagging along).  The rest of the time during the week, we are building our relationship through fun projects, games, etc...  I imagine that I'd spend a nearly equal amount of homework time and school preparation/studying/followup/social coaching if they were in school--I would just be working on it blind with tired kids who are burned out.  Our main interactions on many days would be all about business.  Not as much time for relationship-building.  

I've found for us, homeschooling is a huge relationship-builder, not a challenge to our relationship.  

Good luck in your decision!  

[pigpokey]

To expand on what the PP says, if you enroll in school you are forcing your child to go to school every day, probably also waking him up and disturbling his natural sleep functions, and then within a few short years you are supervising homework that you may find to be largely worthless but too complicated for the child to do on his own ... in other words what I observe is that many parents I know are homeschooling as much as I am.  And I don't have to do it nights and weekends.

[gozal]

I didn't think of that, how time spent on homework etc. could be used as instructional time in homeschooling! It's very encouraging to hear that you've both had such positive experiences. Can I ask, how did you work out how much time you would spend on structured learning? I'm guessing it's a process each family would have to work out for themselves, of course.

I love the idea of not having to interrupt a child's natural rhythms. I am not a morning person (to say the least) and that is always one of the things I disliked most about school.

Thanks for the input!

[luv my 2 sweeties]

I'm not one of the pps, but I agree with them about the no morning rush/homework dynamic.  I'll chime in on structured time as well.  I found that our structured time naturally increases as my children get older.  When my oldest was in Kindergarten age, we were practically unschooling.  She did a little handwriting and math and that was about it.  (She was already a self-taught reader, so that helped a lot.)  Other "subjects" are very well learned on a K level by going about every day life.  As she got older though, we would sit down every once in a while and talk about what she wanted to learn and what I wanted her to learn.  (Math and history are non-negotiable for me, for example, and she chose to do a Latin course and to embark on a structured science curriculum -- Chemistry! -- of her own accord.)  The older she gets, the more there is she needs and wants to learn, so the more "school work" she does.  She is 10 now and doing mostly middle-school level work, much of it self-directed.  (The self-directed part is pretty recent, like just this year.) 

My dd is my "academic" girl, though.  I butt heads over studies quite a bit more with my 8 y.o. son.  There isn't much he would choose to do of his own accord, but he's finding that he actually likes some things once he tries them.  (He enjoys history, for example, and finds that math isn't too hard for him, even though he claims not to like it.)  Reading has been a real struggle for him, and I think that has dragged everything else down for him.  He did come to a point where his inability to read bothered him enough that he really agreed to buckle down and submit to a rigorous reading program.  He did great and it made a big difference.  But I digress...  Most of his structured time is still one-on-one with me, mostly because of his age, but also because of his reading -- I have to read his history *to* him, for example, rather than assigning the reading, as I was doing with my dd when she was this age.

So I guess my point is that your structured time can kind of evolve organically as you go.  Some families start out highly structured and then discover that the are stressed out and that a more relaxed approach is better for everyone.  I kind of took the opposite route (though we are still not *highly* structured) and that has seemed appropriate based on their ages and advancing maturity.

[SundayCrepes]

Originally Posted by gozal 

 I know that some educational philosophies, such as unschooling, advocate for less or no parental direction, but I am not comfortable with no direction. (Speaking for myself, I am a highly self-directed learner, but I am grateful for many of the educational situations in which I was directed, because otherwise there are many things I wouldn't know or understand, nor would I have the inclination or discipline to undertake them.)

We are on the unschooling spectrum. I "strew" for my kids. I present stuff I think they would like or which I want them to know. Then they decide if they are interested or not. If I find interesting materials, they are more likely to be interested. So, I buy a lot of books off the www.sonlight.com list (primarily the secular books.) It gives them a wide breadth of ideas to consider. Since they are quality literature, the kids are often interested. I also search around for other books or activities I think the kids will enjoy. I'm always reading here for book or activity suggestions. I've gotten some great ideas for books on kids from around the world as an introduction to different cultures and politics. My son has no interest in them but my 2 year old daughter loves to look at all the pictures. Both kids love the Little House (Laura Ingalls Wilder) picture books--intro to American history at age 2. I got the idea for the "Sum Swamp" game from here. My son doesn't know he is learning addition and subtraction, he just likes to play the game. So there are many fun ways you can "direct" your kids' education. We choose to let the kids pick up on the invitation or not. And what they aren't interested in now may be of interest later.

By the way, if pajamas are a hassle, why not just put him in clean clothes at bedtime (assuming you bathe him then.) When he wakes up he's in clean street clothes and no more hassles.

[EviesMom]

I think many parents considering homeschooling worry about that, especially if your child is 3 and at the heavy-duty "NO!" and independence stage. Like others have said, I think the directing/cajoling/requiring is just in different areas than with schooled kids.

When I'm working with my daughter on something and it's becoming a power struggle, it can be hard to remember that, and it can feel like you're constantly "making them do their work." But then I see our public school friends and the girls do first grade homework together. That means I give DD some things to practice, and her friend does public school first grade homework at the same time. They both find it fun, for the 1 afternoon a week anyway (that's the only homework DD does). Her friend's homework is intense in volume, and while DD can do the activities her friend does, there are just so many of them altogether. Her friend's mom even sets aside the ones she knows will be like pulling teeth with her DD, to do when we aren't over, and there's still so much and so much repetitive. I think about having to cajole DD into all that homework and I think homeschooling is way easier!

If there's something that is a power struggle, I can also adapt in ways that the school system can't/won't/rarely does. For example, DD might or might not test as dyslexic in the school system, but with homeschooling, I don't have to test and get approval to do things I know will help her confidence-wise, writing-wise, and handwriting-wise. I let her dictate to me if it's a long story or paragraph she wants to write, and then she copies it. I let her do more orally. 

There's also the ability to get out of power struggles when necessary with homeschooling. We hit a roadblock on reading for a while. She didn't want to work on lessons, she didn't want to try to read, and she was getting discouraged (see dyslexic tendencies above). We did Headsprout, which let her progress at her own pace. I said she had to do 1 lesson per homeschool day, but she often wanted to do more, and finished earlier than I expected. Power struggles averted and now she's reading on her own and easy chapter books even! 

[MrsJewelsRae]

I don`t think our relationship would be much different if they were in school- and I definitely don`t think it would be better.  I think we are closer in some ways because we spend so much time together and because we are more family focused than peer focused.  Our relationship has grown and expanded as they grow older, that`s just a natural evolution of a parent/child relationship.  I do have to force them to do certain things, but I know my public school friends have to force their kids to get ready for school, get out the door and do their homework at the end of the day. ;)   We all have some different philosophies, I think it`s pretty normal to direct your children.  I don`t think it has to mean bossing them around.  I don`t put on my teacher cap when we start school, and I don`t take it off around noon or so when school is done.  I`m just Mom, and part of my responsibility is teaching my children, and teaching doesn`t have a beginning or end, it is all day long, just as learning- and hopefully it is exciting and adventurous!  We do use some curriculum and we do usually follow a lose schedule, but I also like to facilitate their education by providing them with resources and opportunities to explore and self teach- that is my main goal.  They know I also have expectations, and if they don`t complete "x", they don`t get to have or do "y", kwim?

[sleet76]

I'm one of the PP, chiming back in to address the OP's question about our time doing work.  Like another PP, we start out doing little-to-nothing "official" or "schooly" for Kindergarten.  Halfway through K year, my DD asked to start doing some school stuff, so we slowly started adding in some work.  With her, she is happier when she can see her own progress, and knows that she is doing school-age appropriate-level work or above.  She becomes stressed and wants to go to school if she feels that she is falling behind (which she never has been, but she can't see to measure that herself against age-mates).  So, for her, having some structure is good for her.  It has begun to naturally increase as she is starting to get older and more advanced.  But, we are still so, so flexible.  We value all kinds of learning opportunities, not just the ones that look like school.

My son is K age, but taught himself to read over a year ago, and is now reading at a very high level.  He enjoys doing a little bit of school, and we do a few things each week.  Usually it is more to introduce an idea in math or something, and then he "plays" with that idea and expands on it himself throughout the week.  I don't think he is typical, but he is really easy to homeschool.  Easier than my DD, he is a kid who shines while doing his own thing.  

[gozal]

Wow, this is all so helpful to me - so much to think over. I feel like this is doable and much more of a free choice for us. Thank you!

[Mere]

I just want to confirm everything the pps have said.  However, I will add that among my homeschooling friends and acquaintances, the ones who have had some stressful experiences with their child have all been people who do more structured homeschooling.  By this I mean they have a schoolroom in their house, the parents is the "teacher," she assigns work and perhaps even grades it, and basically assumes total control over what the child learns.  This isn't to say that all school-at-home relationships are stressful, because I do know some people who do highly structured schooling at home and seem to be fine. 

The other scenario I have seen cause some fractures in child-parent relationships is when the parent is firmly stuck in the schooled-model of what the child should be learning that year, and gets overly concerned and reactionary when they feel that their child does not know every single thing that she/he might know if they were in school.  From what I have seen, this stress on the part of the parents is quickly and easily transferred to the child. 

[gozal]

Mere, that makes a lot of sense to me. I think that's the kind of situation that was making me worried. I guess I need to do a lot more reading and thinking to figure out what *I* would be comfortable with in terms of feeling like our educational experiences are on track. It's a little complicated for us because we are a bilingual/bicultural family, and regardless of where we are living we'll be working with a minority language as well as a dominant language.The minority language would almost certainly lack a community to go with it depending on the country we are in (tbd). And I am the one who speaks it.

[greenmama]

I would really encourage you not to try to guess what is going to be right for your child and your family years in advance.  So many people whom I have known were going to homeschool  their 3 or 4 yo and were singing a different tune when it came time for first grade.  We have homeschooled most of my daughters elementary years and now that she is going into sixth grade she wants to try public school for purely social reasons.  We have agreed to give it a try, but we are completely prepared to pull her out if the reality of the classroom doesn't meet her needs. If you would have asked me even one year ago would we send a jr high aged kid to school I would have said absolutely not, those are the worst years of negative social situations.  Just goes to prove to me yet again that I can't guess what our future decisions will be.  Choosing to homeschool while your child is only three would be like choosing what college my child will go to when she becomes 13, we have to wait and make our decisions when the choice is before us.  that doesn't mean that you can't learn about the approaches to homeschooling as a way to educate yourself for your future decision and maybe that is what you are doing.

[gozal]

Greenmama, such wise words. I think you are absolutely right. Thank you, I needed to be reminded of that. I would say that these first three amazing years have been all about lessons just like that (for me)!