Why do I do this????? ... a vent and a cry for help

[HollyBearsMom]

I am very heavy and need to lose a lot of weight-at least 50 lbs.  While I am very active- hit the gym 5-6 days a week and do the treadmill or elliptical for 45 min to an hour at a steep incline and average about 3.5 miles an hour (walking) on the interval cycle I can not seem to lose weight.

I am watching my food intake and know that my biggest issue in not *what* I eat but how *much* I eat. I try to keep my calories at about 1800 but do cycle them so some days are closer to 2400/2600 and other closer to 1400/1600.

So today we got back from the Y.  We have been cutting back on the red meat for budget reasons but my son was craving a hamburger so I bought a small package and made him a hamburger on a whole wheat roll w/ sliced apples on the side. I made myself a plate of (yummy!) leftovers- 3 oz roasted lemon chicken, 1/2 cup of whole wheat orzo that had been tossed with assorted roasted veggies and drizzled with olive oil.

My son ate half his lunch, pronounced he was full.  I ate all my lunch (w/ 8 oz glass of water) and was full and satisfied.  He went off to play, I cleared the table and proceeded to eat the rest of his hamburger and apples.  I wasn't hungry. I wasn't bored or tired or mad.

Ugh I do this *all* the time. I seem to keep sabotaging myself. It's like I don't want to get healthy but can't figure out the reason why.

Even as I sit here typing this I am fantasizing about the bag of raw almonds in cupboard, wishing I could eat them all or eat yet another huge batch of roasted chickpeas, something, anything to fill the space in me that can't be filled by chewing gum or sucking on ice and hard candies.

I need professional help. 

[Arduinna]

Well if you really want to dissuade yourself, go look up what's in and how they treat hamburger you buy at the store. It's enough to get anyone to quit eating it. Or at least switch to grinding your own but maybe it will at least dissuade you from eating it.

[HollyBearsMom]

Really- that what you got from my post? the hamburger was just an example but thanks for being so helpful.

Oh and the package came from our local butcher that supplies local grassfeed beef. Which is why we have cut back for budget reasons. Its too expensive and we won't compromise.

[sapphire_chan]

A noshy feeling generally means you're missing a nutrient. Are you getting enough fat to get all the vitamins out of your food? Are you eating enough fat, period?

[rachieface]

I don't have a lot of advice, but I wanted to tell you that I understand.   It's totally not about the burger....it's about self-discipline.  Although food isn't a huge issue for me, I totally struggle with self-discipline in a lot of areas.  It is just plain HARD to force yourself not to do something you want to do--or even to force yourself not to do something mindlessly.  If it's any comfort at all, you're not alone.  

[seashells]

Hmm. You weren't hungry. You weren't bored. You weren't tired or mad.

So I'm just going to brainstorm and see if any of these ideas ring a bell or seem close to it. Some (or maybe all) ideas might contradict the above, but sometimes the specifics seem different from the generalities. So here goes my brainstorm.

• You don't want to throw the food away because it's a waste.
• You don't want to bother with throwing the food away (inconvenience).
• You felt full but unsatisfied somehow. (Lack of a specific macronutrient, probably fat or maybe protein, or a specific micronutrient, some vitamin)
• You were full but were afraid you might not have a chance to eat later, so you should get in extra while you had the chance.
• You were full but were planning to exercise or something, and wanted to be sure you were fully fueled.
• You were full but the energy of the meal hadn't hit you yet (blood sugar still low).
• You were conditioned to clean the plate.
• It just tasted so damn good you wanted more even if you'd had enough.

That's all I can think of. Any of it seem possible or close?

[HollyBearsMom]

Originally Posted by sapphire_chan 

A noshy feeling generally means you're missing a nutrient. Are you getting enough fat to get all the vitamins out of your food? Are you eating enough fat, period?

I get plenty of fat because fat=satiety to me.  My chicken was bone in/skin on.  The veggies were roasted with olive oil and the orzo was tossed/sprinkled with more.  I eat lots of natural fats too-avocado, nuts, nut butters etc. But then I cut back on other things to keep the calories in 1800 range. Maybe I am iron deficient since most of my iron came from red meat?

Originally Posted by rachieface 

I don't have a lot of advice, but I wanted to tell you that I understand.   It's totally not about the burger....it's about self-discipline.  Although food isn't a huge issue for me, I totally struggle with self-discipline in a lot of areas.  It is just plain HARD to force yourself not to do something you want to do--or even to force yourself not to do something mindlessly.  If it's any comfort at all, you're not alone.  

Thanks Rachie. I really appreciate it.  It is self discipline and being more mindful. Would I have plated that half eaten burger and apple, sat down at the table and mindfully enjoyed it? No- but standing there eating it as I cleaned up filled some other void.

[philomom]

No ideas but wanted to commiserate. I can exercise, drink only water but if I let my daily calorie intake get below 1500... I get really cranky at my family.

[Sol_y_Paz]

Originally Posted by HollyBearsMom 
 Would I have plated that half eaten burger and apple, sat down at the table and mindfully enjoyed it? No- but standing there eating it as I cleaned up filled some other void.

What void?  

Can you elaborate?   

[seashells]

Oh, by the way, I am not totally convinced that the problem is overeating. I mean, you know yourself, but I'm just throwing this out there. You will eat what is necessary to fuel yourself, and clearly you are active.

Twice in my life I have lost stubborn weight by eliminating specific things that seemed to keep my body in inflammation mode or something. Sugar was one. Grains is what I'm working on now, and though I'm still working on it and haven't fallen into any kind of a groove with it, I did drop 10 pounds pretty quickly when nothing else worked (even literally starving myself did absolutely bubkis). I doubt everyone would have the same experience, but consider if maybe eliminating something that is hard on your body might help it to process things better and let some stuff go. Plus have you read Good Calories Bad Calories? It seems that the sugar is what gets turned into fat, unless you burn it right off it's going to get stored and then your next workout will be fueled by the most recent sugar rather than get extracted from the fat store. But I don't even know, maybe you don't even eat sugar at all, I'm just throwing this out there because I've asked this same question (why can't I lose any weight no matter what I do) and while I don't claim to have all the answers, my only successes thus far have been in these directions.

[HollyBearsMom]

Originally Posted by seashells 

Hmm. You weren't hungry. You weren't bored. You weren't tired or mad.

So I'm just going to brainstorm and see if any of these ideas ring a bell or seem close to it. Some (or maybe all) ideas might contradict the above, but sometimes the specifics seem different from the generalities. So here goes my brainstorm.

• You don't want to throw the food away because it's a waste. very true, I hate waste
• You don't want to bother with throwing the food away (inconvenience). garbage can was right there so no inconvienance
• You felt full but unsatisfied somehow. (Lack of a specific macronutrient, probably fat or maybe protein, or a specific micronutrient, some vitamin) not that I noticed but possibly iron?
• You were full but were afraid you might not have a chance to eat later, so you should get in extra while you had the chance. not on a concious level
• You were full but were planning to exercise or something, and wanted to be sure you were fully fueled. I had worked out for an hour before hand 
• You were full but the energy of the meal hadn't hit you yet (blood sugar still low). possible but I remember feeling full/satisfied
• You were conditioned to clean the plate. Oh yes- life long member of the "clean plate club"
• It just tasted so damn good you wanted more even if you'd had enough. After a long time w/o red meat that burger did smell good!

That's all I can think of. Any of it seem possible or close?

I think it all comes back to the fact that I am profoundly unhappy right now. A lot of it is weight related- I don't feel attractive, my clothes fit poorly, I look in the mirror and don't recognize myself. and I really miss my mom. I keep hearing that if I fix my mind the weight will "fall off".  That is why I struggle.  Why am I sabotaging myself?
 

[HollyBearsMom]

Originally Posted by Sol_y_Paz 

What void?  

Can you elaborate?   

If could articulate it I could fix it.  I don't know what that void is but I do know that the act of eating and/or feeling full make the emptiness seem, IDK, less empty.

[ssh]

Have you had bloodwork done to rule out metabolism problems that can cause weight problems? Have you been to a nutritionist? I know someone whose nutritionist told her she wasn't eating enough. She had kept a food diary and was eating maybe 900 calories a day. She's lost about 15 pounds so now that she's trying to eat 1500 calories a day. I've always lost weight easier when I cut out simple carbs than with calorie counting or reducing fats. As for not eating your child's leftovers, you can give him smaller portions. I do throw food away rather than just eat it myself if it can't be saved and stored. You kinda have to make yourself if wasting food annoys you. If you feel like filling up on something, raw veggies are good. Also I do agree that a feeling unsatisfied is often a missing nutrient.

[Arduinna]

Originally Posted by HollyBearsMom 

Really- that what you got from my post? the hamburger was just an example but thanks for being so helpful.

Oh and the package came from our local butcher that supplies local grassfeed beef. Which is why we have cut back for budget reasons. Its too expensive and we won't compromise.

Well I've just found it's easier to stop myself from doing something if I'm totally turned off to it first, so that was why I suggested it.

[Sol_y_Paz]

Originally Posted by HollyBearsMom 

If could articulate it I could fix it.  I don't know what that void is but I do know that the act of eating and/or feeling full make the emptiness seem, IDK, less empty.

Some people are able to eat 5-7 meals/snacks a day and lose weight.  My body is this type and I am not filled with lots of energy to exercise on a regular basis. I eat mostly real foods and much of it homemade, all day long and weigh much less than when I ate on the normal schedule.  I was skeptical that eating more would work but somehow it did.  I don't count calories and eat real food, even if that means it is high fat like avocado, raw nuts, or organic oils.  

I am not sure that is a "fix" though if you know what I mean?  It might help weight but not the why's behind everything that do need to be addressed.  I am sorry you are going through this. 

[HollyBearsMom]

Originally Posted by Arduinna 

Well I've just found it's easier to stop myself from doing something if I'm totally turned off to it first, so that was why I suggested it.

 If you got that out of my post well...... no worries, its a public message board so I have to be prepared for comments such as yours. 

[HollyBearsMom]

I got  a full work up about 18 months ago and got a clean bill but a lot has happened since then.
 

Originally Posted by ssh 

Have you had bloodwork done to rule out metabolism problems that can cause weight problems? Have you been to a nutritionist? I know someone whose nutritionist told her she wasn't eating enough. She had kept a food diary and was eating maybe 900 calories a day. She's lost about 15 pounds so now that she's trying to eat 1500 calories a day. I've always lost weight easier when I cut out simple carbs than with calorie counting or reducing fats. As for not eating your child's leftovers, you can give him smaller portions. I do throw food away rather than just eat it myself if it can't be saved and stored. You kinda have to make yourself if wasting food annoys you. If you feel like filling up on something, raw veggies are good. Also I do agree that a feeling unsatisfied is often a missing nutrient.

[jeanine123]

As a lifelong member of the clean your plate club do you think that you could change your mindset enough to be able to leave the food on your plate when you're full and wrap it up and place it in the fridge right away?  Then when you're hungry again in a few hours or so, you have the rest of your plate to finish up, thus cleaning your plate?  Also, when you're cleaning up after a meal, do you immediately put all the food away before doing anything else?

I think it would also be a good idea to get another full workup, as you said a lot has changed between now and then and some of that may have messed up your body's metabolism. 

[PhoenixMommaToTwo]

I don't have any advice, but I commiserate. I do the same thing! I'm not hungry, but I snack. I hate it! I'm sorry that you don't like yourself right now, maybe that's what you need to work on the most. Hang in there. And  and remember to be kind to yourself. We're only human.

[Sol_y_Paz]

Originally Posted by HollyBearsMom 

I got  a full work up about 18 months ago and got a clean bill but a lot has happened since then.
 

There might be something to this.

What has happened since then?