What to do when others use your LO to discipline their own?

[t2009]

I don't post here very often but practice GD with my DS. This happens to be very different from the way SIL does things with her similarly aged LO. (I was hopeful at one point because she showed interest in my copy of Unconditional Parenting... but alas...)

Anyway, I'm just looking for basic advice on how to deal in the future or whether to just let this sort of thing go:

We're all eating dinner together. LOs were being their toddler selves -- picking at their food, getting distracted. SIL thought her LO was getting out of hand (I would disagree, but that's another story) & started correcting LO, telling her to stop, etc. She gave her a time out right at the table (just told her to put her head down... with DS sitting right next to her... this was impossible!).

Well, we all started making some yogurt & fruit because it was clear LOs were losing interest in their food but were still hungry. SIL was still trying to get her LO to keep eating, meanwhile, I'm trying to politely wait to give DS his yogurt because I knew it would be game over. Then out of nowhere, SIL says: "Well, [DS] is getting his yogurt now because he earned it" & starts telling DS he's doing a good job.

I'm just kind of floored & I really don't want DS to be "used" in the disciplining of other children. And I don't think she was just in a weird way complimenting DS, she was definitely using his behavior to discipline her own LO (after all, DS had definitely not eaten all his food & was also goofing around). Maybe I'm over-reacting (I tend to do that with family stuff...), but I don't plan to say anything this time around since it was the first. But I don't know what to do if this continues (I worry it will, because, honestly DS is very spirited but also very cooperative, her LO is less cooperative & can be more defiant if threatened with TOs).

Seriously, am I just overreacting or is it worth saying something next time (& if so, do you have a comeback or suggestions)? 

[MsFortune]

No advice - but I don't think you are overreacting.  If nothing else, this behavior can cause tension between DS and his cousin.  

If it is a one time thing, I'd let it go, but if this becomes a pattern...  I think you have to talk to her about it.  
 

I don't envy you. 

[Shaki]

I probably would just ignore stuff like that, even if it irritated me, because I don't know what really you could say to your SIL in that situation that wouldn't make it worse.

If it bothered me  a lot or happened with frequency I would remove myself and my child from the room while the other parent was disciplining. I'd pick my child up and say "let's get you cleaned up," and go to the bathroom "Or lets give these guys some space," and go into another room. Which would remove the possibility of using my child, and might also relieve some of the internal pressure the other parent might be putting on herself to make her child "obey." Sometimes I think parents get really wrapped up in what I think of as "performance parenting" or "parenting for other parents" meaning they are worried or embarrassed about their child's behavior and the way the other parent in the room might be judging them and so they discipline from that perspective--trying to win the approval of the other parent--rather than just dealing with the child. Maybe if you aren't in the room to be her audience it would make things easier for your SIL. And even if it doesn't at least you don't have to sit there and be a passive participant in whatever she is doing.

In any case, I totally get where you are coming from! Your SIL reminds me of when we are out with other families and the parents seem to be obsessed with manners and stuff like that, and are constantly on their child about "What do you say?" and "Say thank you" and basically back seat driving their child's every move. In those cases I generally try to just ignore that stuff (even if it's grating on me) and continue to parent DD the way we normally would (modeling politeness etc).

[happysmileylady]

Well, I disagree with the other posters.  I think you are overreacting.  Even parents who never spank and only use logical consequences and such do this all the time.  It's really no more than giving the child an example.  "Do you see, because Rae Rae cleaned up her mess, she can leave the table and go play outside now.  You have to clean up your mess before you can go play and if you don't clean it in time, you won't have time to play."

Now if it becomes a situation that starts happening all the time and it's more about shaming the child who is acting out ( see, your cousin is a good kid, you are a bad kid cause you didn't behave) then I think it might become an issue.  Then, I might say something to your SIL, something about how you don't want your child to think that he gets special treats just for being good or something. 

But, as a one time (or even an occasional thing) I think it's totally not a big deal.

[lilyka]

I agree with the poster above me.  

Your SIL may have also been trying to gloss over the fact that there are different expectation for her dd than there were for your son.  Trying to down play or distract from  the fact that he was getting a dessert/alternate meal without having to eat his supper which her dd was expected to do.  Like you said, once you brought that out it would have been game over unless the cousin thought your son had finished his supper.  I .could see myself doing that in a moment of desperation.  Rather than saying "I am sorry you have different rules.  I know it sucks. Now stop fussing and eat whats on your plate you aren't going to get anything else until you do." I would have tried to make it seem to dd that her cousin had met the expectation (finished supper) and that is why he was getting dessert/alternate food. As soon as she did, she too could have dessert.  It wouldn't be a good plan but I could see myself doing it and forgive a friend/family member who tried it.

[chaoticzenmom]

I understand why you're bothered.  You were not rewarding your son for any behavior, but she made it out to be a reward for your son, meaning that by default, it was a punishment for her child.  That's frustrating.  With your complete opposite parenting, you're going to have to get creative with your get-togethers.  Talk to her about the fact that you've both got different expectations and ask for her advice on how to handle it (assuming you could do that in a friendly, non-judgemental way.)  It's got to be difficult for her that you're more lenient in the presence of her child and it's hard for you to deal with the fact that she's more strict in the presence of your child.  Your children aren't quite at the age to understand that rules are different depending on which parent you have.  When the children can understand, you may say "____'s mommy has different rules for him, so let's try to be respectful of that and wait for dessert until everyone can have some."  I'm a pretty lenient parent, but there are some things that I'm more strict about and my kids know that if someone else is doing something that I don't agree with, they're still not going to be able to do it.  It's not a punishment. I would hope that the other parent, if she knows about my rule, will not disrespect it too obviously.   I allow soda, but my children can't have any in the company of many of our friends and they know why because I explain it to them beforehand.  "Ok, sally's kids aren't allowed xyz, so let's be polite and do the same."  The trick is knowing what the other person's rules are beforehand so you can discuss it. When possible, I prefer to stick to the rules of the person who's the strictest about certain things during get-togethers.  That's if it's on one particular thing, not if the whole time you're going to have to hold your child back from things he's normally allowed to do or have.  I don't even try to hold my children back when we're with my SIL because the whole time, she's correcting and criticizing her daughter.  There would be no way for even begin with that, we're just too different.   I don't, however, let the other parent take control of my parenting while we're together.  If they try to make rules for my child, I'm quick to say "that's not how we do it." or  whatever I need to say to assert myself in that situation. 

[t2009]

Thank you, these are all great ideas & perspective shifts! I appreciate the reality checks & the advice.

I think I was jumping the gun a little in my worrying, but I tend to skip 10 steps ahead & see the worst case scenario!

It helps to see things from her perspective & the more generous perspective of all the PPs here! It's easy to get overwhelmed with all our differences & sometimes after visits I feel the need to really decompress & process. But in reality, SIL & I have been pretty respectful of our differences & we mostly are able to go with the flow & be flexible. It's more just awkward rather than antagonistic.

But I also think that we may have to have a conversation at some point about how to handle our differences when the kids are together. I just hope that if we need to have that conversation it doesn't put more strain on our relationship. But now at least I have some thoughtful suggestions to help make it as productive as possible.

And in the meantime, I'll definitely try to be more sympathetic & try the tactics of giving them more breathing room & being more flexible myself.

Thanks!

[hakeber]

I don't think it's that big a deal that she did that, because she was trying to rationalize her irrational behavior.  That's perfectly normal, not nice or all that clever, but normal.  I am sure she is on a mothering board somewhere, or among her friends thinking "My SIL, while I was in the middle of trying to get my kid to eat her dinner, went and got her son DESSERT, before he had finished his!!!  Isn't that NUTS!?"  so I can see why she was trying to explain the situation to her DD.  Assuming her DD has half a brain, she cottoned on quickly that mama was telling tales.

I have a SIL who has very different parenting style from me,too.  I try to explain to DS, who is curious about the sort of yelling that goes on, and more specifically the threats of spanking and eventual carting off to be spanked, and/or locked in a room against their will...He understands now that we just don't do that, and it is sad for his cousins, because that is their parents' choice, but we can teach them how to communicate more peacefully.

We choose to spend less time with them as a result, because frankly I don't want my kids exposed to unneccesary violence, especially when at a place they should consider homey.  When they come over to visit us, I house their kids and get the grown ups a hotel room so we can parent the way we like in our home, without the threat of violence looming over us.  They just don't have any interest in finding out why kids do what they do, or why they say what they say.  They just have ZERO curiosity about it.  They consider it their job to raise non-criminal, non-waster, socially-normative kids into socially normative grown ups...That's it.  If they happen to come out special or do something amazing, awesomesauce...but that's not part of their job description  to foster whatever hints of talent or uniqueness might be lurking beneath.  So, yeah...as a teacher, I obviously disagree there.They just desperately want to find a way to force their kids to toe the line, and especially since the first two were so mild mannered, they are struggling with the third, who is close in age to my DS and the more you push her, the more defiant she gets. DS frequently gets compared to her, and not surprisingly, later on he frequently gets bitten or scratched by her in an attempt to express her anger over being compared to him unfairly.

Here's what I would say next time BEFORE going to get the alternative food: "Hey, SIL, can I see you in the kitchen for a sec?"  then "So I think I might have given the kids too much of that.  I'm going to take away DS's and wrap it up for a snack for tomorrow.  Do you think if I made them something else, like  plain yogurt with fruit and granola, they might eat that?"

That way she is a part of the plan, and a part of what's happening with her DD.  Then she might have the chance to say "Can you please wait five more minutes?  I really want to take a stand on this issue." (for whatever reason) or "hmmmm, Maybe you're right...okay."  or "Can you call DS into the kitchen to have his yogurt? I still want my DD to eat her broccoli."

I would probably be annoyed if my SIL let her DD3 go ahead and do something that DS was not allowed to do before meeting criteria XYZ.  The difference is I would not lie to my son to rationalize it, I would tell him the truth, (even at not quite 2), because he is smart enough to look at his cousin and say "ummmm no, she didn't!"  And that would open up a whole host of issues between us that I have no interest in exploring...like: "If Mommy can pick and choose when to tell the truth, why can't I?"  Or "how do know when I can trust her and when I can't?"  KWIM?

As an aside, can I just say...at not yet 2, I think your SIL is being really silly...mealtimes are pretty much serious goofiness with only 10% nutrition at that age ESPECIALLY if there are other kids to goof off of.  OMG.  I usually could get DS to sit for about ten minutes at dinner at that age.  I usually just left a tray of various bits and pieces on the coffee table for him and let him graze and play while we adults enjoyed a peacefull meal together.  Of course that means that it took him until he was about 5 to learn how to sit and eat a meal with everyone, but a typical grown up meal lasts about 1 hour and that's a long time for a little person to stay seated...physically, that's tiring for them, and that's definitely going to have a knock on effect in terms of eating something they don't want to eat.  Of course if your SIL is like mine she will not give a hoot, because darnnit all, they need to learn the rules.