Aaaaaaah! I posted here a couple of days ago about wanting to start co-sleeping with my 10 month old son to see if I could get more sleep (and if he could). I tried last night (I know it was only one night) but it was a disaster. Anytime we have brought him into bed with us in the past it has been only for a couple of hours and he would wake up crying like he does in his crib. I can't seem to easily nurse lying down, I have to prop myself up and it just doesn't seem at all as relaxed and easy as I hoped it would be. He tossed and turned the entire 4 hours he was with me and eventually I put him back in his crib where he slept for 2 hours, woke, nursed, back for 2 for the rest of the night. I wouuld like to try again but I feel like maybe it was even confusing to him as we have never coslept. I wish so much that he would just snuggle in and go to sleep.
I am literally at my wits end! I am crying all the time, spending every minute he naps frantically trying to figure out what to do next, what i could do better to help him sleep. I am desperate to get more than 2 hours of sleep (well less than that because it takes me a while to fall asleep). I love nursing him, want to continue for as long as he wants to but I am certain that he has become accustomed to eating mostly at night and no matter how much more I try to nurse during the day, he is too busy and distracted - even in his dark nursery or laying down. I am starting to feel hopeless and lifeless and like I can't even enjoy my days with him because I am distracted by thoughts of sleep and what I am doing wrong. My partner is a typical man - wants to fix my problems but can't and he has a high stress job and needs his sleep too. I don't even mind the wake ups to nurse if he would go right back to sleep like he used to but its a struggle to get him to go back to sleep and then because of all the nursing I end up changing his diaper a couple of times a night. If I don't, he wakes up with a leak and then we have an even more awake child. I love him and am not resenting him at all but feeling alone and like a failure and like not a single mother that I actually know has or is going through the same thing. I will not let him cry. I did let him cry in 5 minute intervals out of desperation but I quickly realized how damaging and horrible that was. I have read the no cry sleep solution and I am working on rocking him to sleepiness and then putting him down in his crib and patting his back but 90% of the time he immediately pops up and screams so I start over again and eventually just rock him or nurse him to sleep.
I don't expect anyone to have the answers but I just need an ear and maybe some understanding. I feel like I am failing at nighttime parenting. During the day I cuddle him lots, wear him when he is fussy, nurse on demand as well as after naps and I love him with all my heart. His dad and i are fighting constantly because to be frank, I am a tyrant to him because I am so tired and full of anxiety about this.
Thanks for reading this