Do you think this is a big deal?

[meemee]

and PLEASE all honest answers welcome.

i am a coparent and a full time student with a full load.

i have survived on financial aid. we live really bare bones. yes dd misses out on a lot of extra curricula activities.

dd is in 3rd grade. school is hard for her (she IS in a GATE school). she is challenged but not in stuff she is interested in. so we do a lot of afterschool activity at home - learning based and others like sewing and gardening.

between her and homework i have a lot on my plate.

ex is after me to get a job. in fact his words "if i'm financing her extracurricular activities because you're too lazy to work then i should have full custody". this is laughable because i have dd for more time than he does. of course he doesnt value what dd and i do.

so do you think i should get a job? any job to just pay the bills.

i really need an honest opinion. and look at different points of view.

[Greenlea]

Basically you're like a SAHM right now.  The way I see it is, you're not working because you're a FT student.  You're educating yourself so once you graduate you'll get a good job to support your DD, right? 

I say if you can afford to not work, then dont right now.  That will put added stress on you and DD.  Your DH, as the father, is supposed to support his daughter, even if that includes extra curricular activities.  If he had full custody of her, he'd have to get a babysitter since he'd be working anyways.

[beenmum]

If your a student they you are working. They will not make a custody change for that alone. So there isnt much risk of him gaining full custody based on the fact that he pasy for more EXcurs then you.

[Sharlla]

well I wouldnt get a job if it's going to take time away from your DD  can you donate plasma or something, get some extra cash  for laying there reading?  I would not get a job just because your x thinks you should.

[Mama Metis]

Don't do it for your ex. But if you'd like to have some extra financial security for you and DD, then do it. I have figured out that working and making a little money is important to me personally, even though I have a partner who could easily cover all our expenses and would also be happy to. I (usually) find my work rewarding though - I would be less inclined to work in your situation if the work wasn't relevant to my interests or career path. 

[nextcommercial]

Not while you are a full time student.

After you get out of school, you can take some of the load off of your ex financially.  He might just be feeling frustrated and stretched right now.   Understand where he's coming from, and remind him that soon enough you will be out of school with a good paying job.  

[mattemma04]

I worked while I was in college. Would I work with a child? NO! I am a sahm and I find it difficult to find employers willing to let me stay home with a sick child,or during their vacations times.

The only thing I would suggest is working maybe a shift or double shift on the weekend somewhere if you have a relative who could watch your dd. I would not have your ex watch her. He sounds like...well I see why he is an ex!

Once you work your ex will still complain about the child support. My friends ex wanted the kids just so he did not have to pay,and wanted the ex wife to pay.Thankfully he never got the kids.

[Alyantavid]

Well, I don't know.  You're getting financial aid so he's not really supporting you right?  And I assume he'd pay (or help pay) for her activities anyways. 

You coparent, so she's with him part of the time right?  Could you get a job for those times when you aren't with her?

[meemee]

the thing is he pays me NO CS. it created such a huge pain that i declined CS. however i did it because he is taking the heat now. 

i have no family to take care of dd. and really weekends are the only real time i have with dd. during the 3 days a week i have her (ex has her tues, thursday and sunday night) we are both caught up with life. lunch, dinner, our homework, afterschool work all packed in 4 hours. so weekend we do all our stuff. 

actually next semester i will take afternoon classes so dd can spend time with costudents (she has a balll with them at the study center) and i can work in the monrings when dd is in school. 

i am doing it coz i wont get financial aid. not because ex is shouting for it. 

because i am 46 ex feels i am fooling around. i should be working a proper job and not fooling around with school. how irresponsible of me. what he doesnt see because of me in school and thru all my volunteer work - dd is growing up with practical knowledge about farming, conservation, nutrition, indigenous rights, activism.

[Mulvah]

When do you graduate and how long have you been in school?  If you've been in school a lot longer than your program requires, I may try to get a PT job at home.  If you're finishing soon, use that as a "bargaining" point with the ex.  That isn't your question, though.  Is it a big deal?  Yes and no, really.  I'm not someone that thinks there should be a SAHP at all costs.  I do; however, think a full load of schooling is like a FT job.  But, if you've been in school for 6 years on a 4 year program, I can understand why your ex is upset.

Edited by Mulvah - 10/16/11 at 5:42pm

[meemee]

yeah mulvah i see ur point. 

i will be in school for many years. i am applying for grad school and hopefully a year into it i will get a TA. 

i guess my point is i dont take any money from him. dd is on my insurance (state assistance) and under the school lunch under my name. so he buys her the toys, clothes... and sometimes some activities. he just does not like her being under state assistance. 

[Drummer's Wife]

If you are okay financially, then I wouldn't worry about it. Me, I am also a full-time student and mother of four, though I am married and my DH supports us. I actually am considering working very part-time (like one day a week), in the near future to build a resume, make connections, get recent work experience, etc., but I think I could handle it b/c like your DD, my kids are in school.

The thing I would worry about is how you are going to able to pay back your student loans once you graduate (I assume you are getting more than just grants since you live off the aid). Aren't you going to school for anthropology? Even with a doctorate, your earning power likely won't be a lot, right? Maybe your ex is worrying about the future, b/c kids get more expensive. If you are a struggling new grad, or looking for work, it will be hard to provide for a teenager. It might make sense to work part-time to build saving or to cover some of your cost of living now so that you don't have to pay for it later on.

[happysmileylady]

Well this is a multifaceted question, I don't know that there's one right answer.

On the basic level, if you have kids, you should support them financially.  That's why child support orders are written.  Whether or not the person paying support has a job isn't relevant, they still have to pay support, job or not.  So in that sense, yes, I think you should be able to financially support your child, school or not.

But, child support orders don't specify that the money paying the support has to come from a job.  The source of income doesn't matter.  So, if you are able to financially support your child on your financial aid, then no, I don't think a job is particularly necessary.

But this again,  if you arent' able to provide health insurance for her, that's not really supporting her on your own either.  Then again, what reason can he not add her to his insurance...that's a pretty common thing in court orders. 

If you have been in school for a lot of years and will be for a lot more, maybe he's thinking you are aiming for the "perpetual student" route.  Not saying you are, but that could be what he's thinking.

[Alyantavid]

Originally Posted by meemee 

yeah mulvah i see ur point. 

i will be in school for many years. i am applying for grad school and hopefully a year into it i will get a TA. 

i guess my point is i dont take any money from him. dd is on my insurance (state assistance) and under the school lunch under my name. so he buys her the toys, clothes... and sometimes some activities. he just does not like her being under state assistance. 

If he doesn't want her on assistance, maybe he should pay child support?  How does that work anyways?  I thought that to get assistance, they went after child support first?

It's hard to be in school and raise kids.  But it's possible, even with a job.  Not fun though.  I think if he has a problem with something that you are doing concerning your daughter, he needs to step up or butt out.  Maybe you guys need to have a long conversation about a lot of things.
 

[mamadebug]

I can see both sides of it, really.  I think that if you are in college, doing a program with a set ending point at which time you will get a job, then I think you probably shouldn't work and just push through school.  If you have been in school a longer amount of time and there isn't really much of an end in sight, maybe you should get a part time job.  There are things that are necessities like food, clothes and health insurance that nobody could really argue with.  There are things like extracurriculars, learning about activism, gardening, etc that aren't necessities, and based on your values and life emphasis, could argue aren't worth the price paid (financially or time-wise or whatever).  I think that if a child's necessities are being met, then it is up to the individual parent to decide where they choose to place their emphasis for the other stuff.  So, in your case, if your kid was going hungry and didn't have health insurance, then I would say you should get a job.  But if all of that is covered, and there is a question of if she takes a gymnastics class or something, that is entirely your call and your ex doesn't get to have a say in it when it is on your time.  If he feels strongly that she should have or do those things, he can do it on his time.  But, unless there is some sort of neglect of needs going on, I don't think exes get to say what goes on in the other's house.  

[meemee]

Originally Posted by Alyantavid 

 Maybe you guys need to have a long conversation about a lot of things.

tried that. didnt work. he is the 'my way is the right way kinda guy'. a lot of it is control issue. xmil and xbil is 'on my side' and understands how things are. perhaps i let ex sometimes get too under my skin. 

ex thinks going to school when i am 46 is a waste of time because before dd i had a good high paying job (which also meant 60 to 70 hours a week for about 6 months in a year). 

the thing is i am supporting my dd on a v. tight budget. while i buy the basics he buys the extras. but in a sense i am hsing her too which makes life tolerable for her. 

he doesnt get that and thinks picking her up from dc rushing home at 6 and in bed by 8 is the right thing to do since everyone does that. if that makes dd's life harder - too bad. she will have to deal with it. i disagree. i had to quit my job when dd was 3 1/2 because a year and a half of that lifestyle did not work for her. 

it is a decision dd and i made together since she is the one who would be losing out on time if i worked 20 hours a week. 

[prothyraia]

Originally Posted by mamadebug 

I think that if a child's necessities are being met, then it is up to the individual parent to decide where they choose to place their emphasis for the other stuff.  So, in your case, if your kid was going hungry and didn't have health insurance, then I would say you should get a job.  But if all of that is covered, and there is a question of if she takes a gymnastics class or something, that is entirely your call and your ex doesn't get to have a say in it when it is on your time.

This.

Originally Posted by meemee 
it is a decision dd and i made together since she is the one who would be losing out on time if i worked 20 hours a week. 

Well, there's your answer right there.
 

[ssh]

It sounds like the real issue is your ex is trying to control you and tell you what to do. He's not paying child support. You working wouldn't save him any money. It's really none of his business. Going to school full time is a job especially in majors that require a lot of work outside of class. You should tell your ex that only topics that relate directly to your DD are open for discussion. You personal decisions are not and that includes your career and finances. As long as you are meeting your DDs needs, how you are doing it is not is concern.

As for the career change, it's not uncommon for women to change their priorities after having children and decide they want a family friendlier career. I went to college with a women who was an engineer and was going to be a math teacher because she wouldn't have to travel and would have more time with her family. Working 60 to 70 hours a week for half the year would not be good for your DD. And since you were making so much, being on assistance for a while is just getting some of the taxes back that you paid in.

[LynnS6]

Full time school is a full time job. Not a paying job, but a full time job. And think what you're modeling for your dd -- you don't have to work at a soul-sucking job for 60 hours a week because that's what others do.

Originally Posted by meemee 

it is a decision dd and i made together since she is the one who would be losing out on time if i worked 20 hours a week.

Well, then, if your dd's OK with it, and you're OK with it, why does your X have a say? It sounds to me like you're almost done with school. You can then get a job -- that you want -- and go from there. Don't sacrifice your time with your daughter or your education because your X has some idea of how life 'should' work.
 

[mamazee]

Tell him to take you to court to try to get custody for that reason.  LOL.  All that would happen is he'd end up actually paying child support.  You wouldn't have custody taken away because her dad is having to pay for extracurricular activities.

He's wrong, but I'm guessing you had an idea about that.  It sounds like school is the best way to provide for you and your dd in the long term, and you have a plan, and she isn't going hungry.