Potty frustrations with our 3 year old

[slgt]

DD is 3, started using the potty for pee very well a bit before 2 1/2. She will not, however, POOP in the toilet. She used to be great about asking for a diaper, but now, more often than not, she poops in her pants. Argh.

DD#2 was born a few months after DD#1 started using the potty, so I'm sure that's impacted things a bit.

We've tried a lot of different approaches for pooping:

Not talking about it or otherwise mentioning it.

Being gently encouraging.

Talking about big-girl things, needing to poop before she can go to preschool next year.

Offering bribes.

Offering feel-good bribes such as bragging rights to grandparents.

Nope! None of the above! DD is very bright, observant, excellent communicator, great imagination, etc. etc. - i.e. in no way delayed.

Tell me - just be patient? I'm assuming that pooping in her pants is sort of a control-related thing, the next step before eventually using the potty? Her refusal to poop in the potty has been going on for about 10 months...will it ever end?

[beebalmmama]

So is she in diapers or underwear most of the time? When you say she used to ask for a diaper what do you mean? If you mean she was in underpants and you put a diaper on her to poop then I think you may have unintentinally trained her to poop in the diaper. Which may make things a little tougher to turn around. Personally if she isn't asking or telling you when she needs to go I would keep her in diapers. Does she like wearing underpants? Do you think it would be an incentive for her? 

I'm sorry I don't have any advice. So far my LO was an early potty learner, hoping for more of the same with this next one.

[slgt]

She's in underpants during the day, and will go pee by herself.

If she has to poop, she gets all agitated. We ask her if she wants to poop in the potty or in a diaper, and she always chooses diaper. one time  I got her to poop in the potty - I think I caught her by surprise and she agreed to it. No problem - but she won't do it again.

[ElliesMomma]

hate to break it to ya, but you are going to have to force her to use the potty for poop. that is, if you want to be finished changing poopy diapers. she won't like it, but if you don't get mad and don't give in, the potty learning for poop should take only a day or two.

poops in the potty are soooo much easier to clean. 

[oaktreemama]

hate to break it to ya, but you are going to have to force her to use the potty for poop. 

I am curious as to how exactly you would do this? Make her sit there all day? Withhold all food and water till she goes? Obviously I am kidding but why get into an even bigger potty struggle by applying force?

OP-is she constipated? Drinking enough water? Sometimes that can really hinder pooping. Have you been emptying her diaper into the potty to show her that is where we poop?

How about some potty books from the library?

I too would wonder if wearing super special underwear could be a valuable incentive. One little boy at daycare would not poop until they decided each time he would get a big Thomas the Train sticker. He started going to get that sticker.

I have no problems with rewards and incentives for stuff like this. Way better IMO than power struggles and stress.

[Llyra]

She may just need some time. You might find that completely dropping the issue, for a few weeks or a month, and then carefully approaching it again, might be just the thing.

In my experience, one cannot "force" a child to do anything potty-related. How exactly would you go about that, anyway? And any amount of serious pressure, even positive pressure like rewards, can totally backfire, and lead to a child who deliberately withholds stools. Deliberate withholding can lead to more serious problems, like serious constipation, encopresis, and stool impaction. It's just not worth it. I went through that battle with my DD1, and I can say from experience that changing pants once a day, while incredibly unpleasant, is still FAR better than the year or two of steady behavioral modification and medical invervention that it takes to overcome a withholding problem.

My experience with my DD1, and what I learned while dealing with her problems, would cause me to strongly recommend a big dose of time and patience. She'll come around to it eventually, and the more matter-of-fact and seemingly unconcerned you are, the better. Three year old can often be very interested in feeling in-control, and often if they find out something is really important to you, they will deliberately not do that thing, because they want to feel like they are in control. It's a positive developmental step, and leads to all sorts of good kinds of independence, but it can lead to power struggles as well, and poop is just not something to start a struggle over.