Good parents

[rightkindofme]

MDC is kind of slow lately so y'all are seeing too much from me.  Sorry about that.  :)

So how do you decide what good parenting is?  I don't mean judging other people--that's easy.  How do you decide what is good parenting for *you*?  How do you determine if you are a good parent?  Do you care?  Please, for the love of shiny green apples, tell me that many many other women are staying up late angsting about whether or not they are good enough parents for their kids.  If you are not sure that you are doing well enough/are a good enough parent... what can you do about it?  Seriously.  I'm curious how other people handle this.  I've read books.  I've read magazines and articles.  Most of this stuff is subjective.  For every point of view you can find someone who is fervently on the other side of the discussion.  How do you choose a path and then feel good about being on it? 

[A&A]

Would you like you as a mother, if you were the child? 

That's what I try to keep in mind as I make parenting decisions--how would I feel as a child in this situation?  (especially about discipline issues.)  I also try to go with what's natural....hence, co-sleeping, breastfeeding, and leaving children intact. 

[rightkindofme]

Hm.  Ok.  So I had a quick, "BUT!" response and I'm trying to sit on it. :)  The baby things--cosleeping, etc feel like the easy decisions.  You know?  Those are things where you can do some research, see what studies have shown and go with that.  That feels positively blissfully easy compared to the other 16 years right now.

It's a really good point about would I like me though.  I think so.  I babble more than necessary but I try very very hard to be nice and apologize when I screw up and I give people tremendous slack for screwing up because I need it. :)  I'm quick to judge though.  That's not awesome.  Well.  Sorta.  It's not even the judging that necessarily feels wrong.  I wish I was happier.  Hm.  Maybe that's the thing.  Maybe that is the thing that is missing.  I feel pretty ok with my overall kind of approach to discipline but I always feel sad and anxious that I am doing wrong.  Even though if I look at the list of options I am totally picking what I would want to have happen to me.   Although of course I never got into trouble.

[crunchy_mommy]

Hmm I think I can relate.

I can't say that I feel like a *good* parent. Part of my problem, I think, is my ambivalent feelings regarding my own parents. That's a whole 'nother issue that I have discussed elsewhere so I won't get off-track but... my other problem is my tendency to question all my thoughts/decisions/actions. It started out with standard things like researching vaxes and cloth diapers, and somehow turned into this need -- COMPULSION, really -- to research every single thing I do, from discipline to potty training to how to respond to weird things DS does and more. I think the more time I spend researching (mostly online), the less confident I feel in my own choices... which is weird because it's not like what I'm finding is in any way in opposition with my instincts. Maybe it's just seeing how many different ways there are to parent... I would imagine in the 'old days' everyone parented the way their own parents and the people in their community parented. There was probably much less exposure to the way people across town or across the world parent. On the plus side, that exposure has freed us to make conscious decisions about what we do, but on the other hand, it's overwhelming to see how many different ways there are to raise a child, and it's hard not to question whether or not your way is truly best.

I'm trying hard to tune into my instincts. That's why many of the choices I thought were ideal, suddenly seemed ridiculous when my DS was actually born (and when he entered certain stages etc.) For ex., I never planned on cosleeping or extended BF'ing and I insisted my kids would never be in diapers past 12-18mos. I now have a 2yo that's BF'ing many times a day, cosleeping, and not potty-trained. Then there are all the little daily interactions and the decisions you have to make spur-of-the-moment... and I can't help but flash back to something I read on MDC or in a book or whatever about a similar situation... so now I feel compelled to research anything and everything that could possibly happen in our lives and it's crazy!! Especially because now that I sit and think about it, the best decisions I make (IMO) are the ones I make when I simply go with my gut. But it is cool that many people on MDC and friends IRL share similar ideals and values so I look for outside validation more than I might have had I remained ignorant of these communities (I didn't find MDC 'til after DS was born, and met my current group of very AP friends when DS was over a year old!)

I don't even know anymore if I answered your question lol... maybe I'm just rambling...

[A&A]

I also think it's important to make sure they get enough sleep, and they have a hobby (sport or musical instrument, for example) that they can feel good about.  It's a really general question so is there something specific you're worried about?  I'm sure I'm not as much of a "play"-type parent as I could be.  (But that's what they have their dad for!) 

[rightkindofme]

I guess I am trying to suss out if my anxiety about parenting well is common.  Does everyone else just feel like they are doing fine?  Well, at least crunchy mama will sit with me. :)

Yeah, it's less about playing per se.  I don't know.  It's weird. :-\

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by rightkindofme 

I guess I am trying to suss out if my anxiety about parenting well is common.  Does everyone else just feel like they are doing fine?

I don't know what would make me feel like a good parent. I thought I was one for the first several years with ds1. I wondered a lot for a few years after that. I'm not sure a day has gone by since I had dd1 that I haven't wondered if I had any business ever having children at all.

[skreader]

I think I'm a pretty good mother and try not to worry too much about it. I think that the definition of a "good parent" changes a lot based on culture, social group, and historical  time period. One time I was talking about it w/ my husband. When and where he grew up, if you could feed your kids, send them to primary school, and buy them a new set of clothes at Chinese New Year - you were a good parent.

Now  things have changed - are the children going to a "good" school? Are we stimulating them enough intellectually? Are their psychological needs being met properly? worry worry worry.

My kids are in their teens now & so far, so good. We have good relationships, they are healthy, they have some good friendships, they do OK in school, do their chores cheerfully (most of the time) and are not too slobby around the house. Yeah, I could wish they did not sometimes spend their pocket money on junk food, but they don't do it a *lot* and I don't think I'm a failure as a mother because they do.

"Do your best & leave the rest"  [to g-d, providence, etc.]

[Jaxinator]

I think I'm doing all right...

My son, who is 5, is happy and healthy :)

He watches too much TV and we play too many video games together. I raise my voice a bit too much, but I try to apologize and REALLY try to not do it as often. But he's bright and inquisitive and empathetic. I try to give him different opportunities (for instance he's starting Tball soon, and I plan on getting him guitar lessons once we're settled in our house).

I figure I keep him mostly clean, well fed, happy without "giving in". Teach him and model values that we believe in. The details are just not *that* important...  if I give him strawberry flavored instant oatmeal for the past month, so be it. 

Maybe the secret is in the big picture and not the details? Or maybe it's just in some people's personalities to be questioning (and always trying to do better, which isn't a bad thing), and not be satisfied? Maybe it's recognizing faults, and trying to do better the next day?

I think if you're asking yourself these questions though, you clearly CARE enough to put thought in, and are probably a great parent :)

(sorry if my thoughts are all across the board, I hope you got the general idea. :) )

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by rightkindofme 

I guess I am trying to suss out if my anxiety about parenting well is common.  Does everyone else just feel like they are doing fine?  Well, at least crunchy mama will sit with me. :)

Yeah, it's less about playing per se.  I don't know.  It's weird. :-\

Yes, I worry about it all the time. I think it's for me - and maybe you, too, given what you've posted elsewhere - that I have no actual role model for parenting. It's hard when your mother was abusive or turned a blind eye to your abuse to understand *what* good parenting looks like. I've had to struggle really hard with knowing how mothering should look to know how to get there.

[HollyBearsMom]

I stay up late on this idea a lot. 

My son has a lot of of issues and I wonder all the time what I did or didn't do to cause them. But then I have to "Let go and Let God" and realize that beating myself up is not helping anyone.

He is happy and healthy as a horse.  He has friends. He likes a wide variety of foods, he loves to read books and he loves to play video games. He is kind to little ones and pets. He still holds my hand and likes to cuddle.  We still co-sleep. He can cook a little, he can do laundry and make a bed.

I yell too much, drink too much, eat too much. I am working on all of this.

I guess I will know if  I am/was a good parent is if he still wants to spend time with me when he is grown and living his own life.

[MamaMunchkin]

I do worry that what I did and didn't do would cause some irreparable harm to my children - I do feel guilty very often.  Yes it has kept me wide awake at night all too often. 

I feel like I can do better most of the time - that I should do better etc --- I'm sure you know how that goes ... On the other hand, the evaluating, analyzing, and even, guilt - may serve some purpose after all.  They're kind of like a compass that tells me when things need corrections. 

However, rationally, I also know that being a good/bad parents seems like some over-encompassing idea that may not be helpful sometimes - it's kind of like saying whether your kid is good or bad - well sometimes they do good things, sometimes they do bad things.  It may be more useful to focus on specific behaviors.

In short, I believe being a good parent is a dynamic idea - not some absolute attribute that one can claim.  Yes, there'll be mistakes, plenty enough but there are also plenty of opportunities to make up for them.  And the final tally is, well, until you stop being a parent ...  Focus on specific deeds, not some overgeneralized labeling.