How did you work through your feelings of your XH dating other people?

[worthy]

This is happening way too soon for me.  I don't know what to do with that.  My XH just told me he is officially "dating" someone who is part of our shared wider circle of friends, someone my kids happen to see a lot (an "old friend," actually).  We've only been on the divorce track for two months.  He is not planning to keep it from the kids and I would prefer they not be asked to keep secrets from me, which means I have to deal with my feelings about this ASAP.  I am at a loss.

I didn't choose the divorce - he sprung it on me, total surprise.  There was not another woman in the picture at that time, but this came about soon after.  I told him that I needed him to wait until I was ready, and then when I felt I could handle him being discreetly with someone else without the kids knowing, I said that.  But he chose to interpret that as a green light and disregard my request for discretion.

And I just can't see myself being able to be graceful about this yet, not at all.

How did you come to terms with it?  Sounds like some of you are even on good terms with the other woman. 

What do I say to my kids?  He is going to tell them, and I really don't think it is wise for him to ask them NOT to talk to me about it - I want them to know they can always talk to either of us about anything.  But that means I have to be in a place where I can manage a conversation with them about it.

Ack, walk me through this, share your BTDTs, please...

[SoulCakes]

I wouldn't aim for grace yet. Just stick with civility. If the kids mention her, you can always fall back on, "Oh...? That's nice. Mm-hmm." Detached and polite. There's no need to try to plaster a smile on your face -- the kids will see right through that anyway. 

I really don't understand why people rush to bring their kids into the relationship. What happened to discreet dating? 

[*MamaJen*]

That's really hard, especially when you still have feelings for him. In your situation, I would be struggling to be graceful.

My situation that I recently posted about is totally different. We had been dating for all of six weeks when I got pregnant, we made it sort of work for a couple of years, we never married, and while we cared about each other, honestly I don't know that we were ever really in love, we've been apart for two years, and I've had a boyfriend for six months. So I'm thrilled that my ex is with a good woman, but seriously, don't use that as a barometer for what you should be feeling. It's okay for you to be upset that your husband (because he is still your husband) is already starting to date again.

IMO, it is usually a good thing to try to take the high road. But in a situation like yours, where the separation and the pain is still so fresh, that's really hard on you. I feel for you. The only constructive thing I can tell you is to try to surround yourself with as many positive people and activities as possible, while giving yourself permission to grieve. Try to take really good care of yourself. Is your ex taking the kids sometimes? If possible, use that time to see your friends, go out if that's what you want to do, or stay in doing things that you enjoy. I don't pretend to know how hard divorce is, but I know that with time it is possible to heal.

[hillymum]

I think with your older children you can honestly tell them talking about this new womanin their fathers life is really painful for you. I think though we can't tell our children how devistating and painful divorce is or how we feel about our soon to be ex's or their behaviour, we have a responsibility to let them know it's not easy emotionally. i would dbe surprised if your younger two children would talk about her that much, and of they do the detatched answer as suggested by SoulCakes is the direction to go. If your sbx really pushes this woman onto your children then I think something has to be done to stop that behaviour as it could really hurt the children, especially if the relationship is shortlived.

As to how you're feeling, I am so sorry your sbx is being so tacktless and such a uav. To make that adjustment in such a short time is impossible. You need time to get used to the impending divorce before anything else. I think the first thing you need to do is find someone you can talk to and express the pain you are feeling! I think this is one case where talking on a board like this, while good, is not enough to help you as much as you need.

[bananabee]

*huggggs* I'm sorry. That's pretty selfish of him.

[robinchap1]

I just wanted to send you a hug-- this is so hard.  My ex was living with his gf (now wife) for months before he told me.  My son was an infant so I never had to talk to him about it and by the time he was old enough, they were married and it's just how DS has always known things.  It would have been SO much harder than it already was if I had to answer questions about her... It was hard enough knowing she was around my baby.

I think you've gotten good advice here.  It is important to do things for yourself, get support, etc.  And just be as distant and brief as you can about it around your kids.  Certainly answer their questions, but you don't have to give detailed answers.  And things like "I don't know," "I don't really understand either," "Why don't you talk about that with your Dad?" are perfectly reasonable answers.  And I do agree that it's ok for your older kids to know you are sad about it and that it's hard for you.  As long as they know you are ok-- that they see you taking care of yourself and them, etc.

I agree that this a poor choice on your stbx's part.  BUT, one thing I've learned over and over and over since getting divorced is that I have no control over his choices (and vice versa).  And I am not responsible for them.  I don't have to defend them to my child.  The only thing I can do is be the best parent I can be to my DS and live my own values.  Your kids will be ok, even if they suffer some confusion and disappointment... they have you.

I hope this helps a little bit.  It is so painful. Take care of yourself.

[EarthRootsStarSoul]

This may sound harsh, but I'm going with the tough love approach.  He doesn't want you anymore, let him go.  Do you really want to be with someone who doesn't really want you?

[StephandOwen]

I agree with some of the others- there's no need to pretend that you are okay with it. Obviously don't go out calling your ex or his gf names to your kids but nobody says you have to engage your kids in conversation about this woman. "Uh huh. Oh really" is all it takes. Your older ones really are old enough to be told that this is painful for you, but that they can of course talk to you about anything that is concerning to them. You do not have to put a smile on your face and pretend everything is okay.

I never really knew about ex dating, or cared. I heard through the grapevine at one point that he was dating a chick, proposed to her (with my old engagement ring.... classy) and she took it and left The next I heard of him dating was when I heard through the grapevine that he was married   Obviously he didn't/doesn't have much of anything to do with ds.