UC because you can't trust someone else

[labortrials]

Ok, I've been reading here off and on for months, and always really appreciate the wisdom and confidence here.  It makes me feel more confident about my body and my baby and birth.

HOWEVER, my history and the fact that I've had two cesareans has really taken its toll.  I'm not wanting to have this baby at the hospital because it doesn't seem safe, and I don't really trust that there's an OB out there for me who will follow through when I would need him/her the most.  I also find most hospital routines & procedures (especially for VBAC) quite mother/baby UNfriendly.

The birth center in my town is out.  No VBAmC there.  Ok fine.  Didn't really see the point in that anyway.

Homebirth is ideal, IMO.  But I just kind of assumed that I'd work with this one midwife that I've been hoping to work with since about 2007 when we started ttc #2.  It's just never worked out.  I just feel like there's a part of her that is concerned about me or for me or that she doesn't really believe that I can do this.  I think she wants me to maintain shadow care with an OB so that just in case I need to transfer to the hospital, I'll be treated better.

There have been some poor outcomes at home and in the hospital lately, so I get the feeling that some of our care providers are a bit jumpy at the moment.  I just don't want any of that baggage in my birth.

So, I don't know . . . is it that I have TRUST issues or what?  It just seems like in some ways I'm better off doing this without a midwife or doctor.  I'd rather be alone than with someone who really doesn't believe I can do it.  And I'm concerned that "shopping around" for a better fit puts me in a position to potentially be rejected.  That won't be good for me mentally.

This is a real crappy place.  Anyway, I'm wondering if I'm just some sort of freak or if anyone can relate or offer some advice.

THANK YOU!!!

[dayiscoming2006]

LOL, I don't think you are a freak at all! 

I don't trust anyone now after my 2 horrible hospital births. They were vaginal thankfully but they still sucked. I'd be wanting to do it on my own too in your situation. I completely understand. Do whatever feels right for you. 

[HappyMommy2]

Do you have a trusted mama friend that can make the initial call for you?  If the mw will decline you for 2 c/s ... the friend could deal with the rejection for you, and then just tell you about the midwives that are okay with that.

Perhaps even a mama on here would do it for you!

Search for "midwife" in your location tribe here on MDC.  There may already be some recommendations.

OR ...  do your research and have your UC!

I don't think you are weird at all.  I remember wanting to hide in a closet and have my baby without anyone bugging me while pg with #2!!  Now, I have had two HBACs ... with the same midwife.  Hospital and OB baloney makes me BSC!!!

[chinupchamp]

Hey there!  I see that you are in Montana - I might know someone in MT who will take you on if you like.  She travels to Alberta for homebirths often.  I think she's strictly home birth and can't see her saying no because of your C/S.  PM me if you are interested!  I could at least put you in touch with someone who can help you navigate your choices.

Also, if you are on Facebook, check out the page birth without fear (if you aren't already on it)...she is a HBA2C and a great source of support and knowledge.

Lisa

[newsolarmomma2]

Do you want a UC or HB with a MW?

It's OK to shop around, its the ONLY way to get what you want. Too bad you cant travel! I LOVE HappyMommy2's ideas! Having a friend help you will really help with the stress, and can keep your identity a secret in case you do want shadow care, and don't want the MW to know about the UC (she might worry, or not take you).

Keep looking, you CAN find what you want!
Edited by newsolarmomma2 - 3/25/11 at 12:43am

[newsolarmomma2]

I like UC because the ONLY PERSON you have to TRUST is YOU! This can be a great thing, for certain mamas.

I forgot to add- you are NOT A FREAK!!! There is NOTHING wrong with having trust issues! I think its pretty common- and I have those issues with psychiatrists, just not birth attendants (I got LUCKY on this!) It can be VERY hard to trust again after a very bad experience.

Its not the same thing, but If I could NEVER see a shrink again, trust me, I would! I had to seek out a shrink that could provide what I needed without harming me further because I just couldn't go online and figure out what meds I need, then find somewhere to buy them. I admit, it hurt, and bothered me, A LOT to accept that I needed a professionals help with these issues, that I was not able to educate myself enough, or solve the problems alone- especially after the experiences I had (horrific, extremely traumatic, I won't even discuss them).

I will say it took a long time, but I have made an uneasy peace with the professional I chose, and I got the help I needed. (PPD that turns into PPP is SCARY- and not uncommon when you're bipolar) I feel for all the mamas that had birth experiences as horrific as my psych ones, and think UC is freeing when it comes to other peoples baggage. I have heard mamas on here say that their UC was healing, and I hope yours is, if you choose one.

Professionals are often NOT NEEDED- but Sometimes,they are. If you TRUST YOURSELF, you will know when you need them, or not. For ME, UC is about trusting yourself, even if it leads where you don't want to go. I did not want to go to the hospital, but I *knew* something was off during my last UC attempt, and followed it even though I hated where it took me. My son was stuck, his head was way bigger than the pelvic opening, so I am glad I listened to my mamas intuition and got the CS.( I hope my next babe has a smaller head so I can UC all the way, but if it doesn't happen it's OK too.)

I'm rambling. sorry :-) GOOD LUCK, Blessed be no matter what you choose.

[labortrials]

Thanks everyone.  It seems like things get boiling to the point of boiling over and then I find a way to turn down (or manage) the heat.  When I feel stuck or trapped I start freaking out.

I still have UC in the back of my head.  I'm going to start getting prepared for it, even if it doesn't happen.

I had a good appointment this morning with my midwife.  I really like her, and I don't think she's trying to pressure me into anything.  And when I told her that part of why I haven't been shopping around for back-up is that I can't *take* being told no too many times, she understood.  I just don't need to put myself in the position of being rejected.

I did schedule an appointment in mid April to see a new OB who does take on VBAmC on a case-by-case basis.  His nurse took a brief history on me.

Thanks for the encouragement and great suggestions.