I could really use some support. I let our nanny go today – and handled it in the worst way – and now I just feel sick. Almost to the point of calling her tomorrow and telling her (asking her?) that I’ve changed my mind.
I wrote at length about our issues with her in a thread entitled “Thinking of Letting Our Nanny Go” so I won’t repeat them here. But to cut a long story short, we have been having some problems with reliability for some time. As a nanny she is very good and my daughter adores her, but as an employee – not so much.
Anyway, today was my 3hour glucose test at 9am. I awake to a phone call at 7am – my nanny telling me that she’s just found out that she’s been exposed to chickenpox and have we been vaccinated? (Evidently the nanny hadn’t been.) I said that I wasn’t sure and not to come in until I knew. At 7:20 I called her and said yes, and that she should come in as planned for 8:30. She messages me back – with the snow and traffic she’s going to be late and cannot tell me when she’ll be in. So I need to reschedule my appointment (as I explained in the first thread, this is by no means the first time this has happened.)
She then called me and I wish I had let it go to voicemail. I just lost my temper, reiterating that I couldn’t rely on her. And then I said the thing I most regret – that if I hadn’t been so overwhelmed by the prospect of looking for a new nanny we’d have fired her by now, and that if DH was willing to look for someone else, we were done. I know – how dreadful. I could cut my tongue out now that I think about it. When she said she was still only a couple of miles from her home, I just told her not to come in today, and that I would call her later about tomorrow.
DH called me a couple of hours later – nanny had called him and told him that she thought she’d been fired. He of course knew nothing about it and told nanny he would speak to me about it and call her back. When he came home we discussed it at length. Although we both agreed that my conversation with her had been dreadful, things had been coming to a head for a while, and we didn’t need someone full-time (we’ve been paying her FT while she works PT – see other thread for details.) So he called nanny and said that we would pay her 4 weeks’ severance and that she didn’t have to come to work again.
I know – completely handled the wrong way. I sent her a text that evening apologizing for the way things had ended, and letting her know that we would give her a good reference. When she replied saying that she was very upset and would miss DD tremendously, and could she still see her from time to time, I cried for about an hour. As I am now. We texted and arranged to meet for coffee on Friday, and I said that if she would want to babysit occasionally we would love her to (she does this for all of her former charges, and she said she would like to.) I also called her a little later, and we spoke very briefly, just so I could apologize for losing my temper on the phone.
So now I feel sick about four things: I have no childcare at all and suppose we never find someone as good with our DD as our nanny was? What if when the baby’s born I realize that we do need someone fulltime and we let her go for nothing? How will my daughter adapt to the transition? We’ve had nanny for over 2 years now. And how could I have ended the nanny relationship in such an awful way? I didn’t know I had it in me. I just feel sick. Please, don’t tell me how awful it was – you couldn’t possibly beat me up as much as I am beating myself up. I’m even thinking about calling her first thing and saying “I’m sorry, I lost my rag, I need you to be more diligent but we want you to stay.” And yet I know deep down that we really had some issues here.
What have I done?