Am I being spoiled and unreasonable? Huge long vent

[Terrilein]

I'm a SAHM to two kiddos (9 yr dd/8 mo ds) plus two cats. We live in a 4th floor appartment with no elevator. I have no car and may not use DP's company car for insurance reasons. My DP works out of town (with said car), usually 5 days a week so he's mostly only home on weekends. We have no family in this city to help out and my few friends all work and are too busy to come help out. I am totally resenting the workload situation and his criticism of my seemingly poor job as mother/housewife. I'm working from dawn until way past dusk taking care of the baby, helping with homework, shopping, cooking, cleaning, cat litter, laundry, laundry, laundry. I feel like a complete wreck. Everything hurts and I've now developed tendonitis in my right arm. So I've been letting the housework go this week (since I can't NOT carry the baby) to give my arm a rest. He's going to be livid when he comes home to the mess our appartment is in.

And actually DP resents my requests for help when he's home on the weekends. In fact, he actually manages to get out of doing anything other than maybe carrying the groceries for me occasionally. The only things he will do on the weekends without me asking (but with many loud complaints) is to take out trash and do the cat litter - if he does it at all. He thinks I should be able to keep everything picobello all week so he can come home to a clean, comfy home. Afterall, he pays for me to do all the shopping, pay bills, cleaning etc. And if I need help, dd should be my cleaning lady. All he wants to do is play on the weekends. He says he deserves his weekends, implying I don't.

And it doesn't help that he keeps comparing me to one of his SIL's who has 4 kids and runs a tight ship. She's got one teen, one pre-teen, a primary school child as well as a DH who's home everynight to help out. Only the toddler is the only one who can't really help out. DP also fails to realize the fact that SIL doesn't have to walk to and from the supermarket carrying everything and then climb 4 flights of stairs with groceries and a baby every other day - they've got a house and two cars. I only just recently got a buggy for the baby.

Anyhow, I'm being made to feel spoiled, unreasonable and incompetent that I'm not able to do everything and still have time to take care of my needs and DP'S needs. It boils my blood that he acts like I'm running a hotel. All week long he doesn't have to clean, shop, cook or do any laundry because the hotel takes care of everything for him.  He works only 8 hours a day. I rarely get a break. And to make matters worse, he's starting to blame AP for me being exhausted. We used to be on the same page, but now he's against everything I do parenting-wise. He thinks if I'd just let ds cio and feed him on a schedule, everything would be just fine. And I'd have time for me and more importantly, for him. harharhar.

So, am I being spoiled and unreasonable? Am I asking too much for him to help out on the weekends? DP is text-book passive aggressive so my gut feeling is that he's just trying to blame me for any problems I'm having instead of being a man and helping his partner out because he doesn't want to have to do menial housework. If you're with me on this one, please help me with making him see reason. If you think I'm totally off-base, please help me see the error of my ways. I just can't believe I'm supposed to do all this by myself AND cater to his needs.

[prone_to_wander]

I say read him the riot act. Seriously? You are not his maid. You sound like you're doing a great job under the circumstances. Being part of the family means that you participate but helping out. If my DH did complained to me about the things yours is, I'd go ballistic on him. I'm not much for holding back my words. Perhaps other posters can give you more constructive ways of approaching this problem. But rant away girlfriend...you're justified.

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

OK, the fact that you are asking if your spoiled because you want help tells me there may be som e serious issues in your relationship.  Honestly, how on earth could you be spoiled for needing a break or a helping hand occasioanly?  I hate that when men think just because their wife stays home, shes got it made.  REALLY?  Because our job never ends as mothers.  A SAHM has it even tougher, imo.  I work 40 hours a week, so i am away from my kids 50 hours a week.  I am with them every.waking.moment on the weekends and vacations, and my hat goes OFF to SAHMs.  Its actually easier to keep my house clean because we are in it less then moms and children who are there all day long. 

So first, i would post this over in Parents as Partners, because I dont think this a personal growth issue for YOU, but maybe a relationship issue, and a wake up call for HIM. 

Second, I would start by asking your husband, OK?  So you get to clock out at 7pm everyday, and not clock back in til 9 the next morning. But when do I get to clock out?  You get the weekends OFFFFF.  When do I get a weekend off? 

[Terrilein]

But that's just the point. He thinks I'm getting PLENTY of breaks all day long. It's pretty much pointless to point out everything I do. He'll still think I can't possibly need as long as I say I do for all my daily chores/activities. If I have no free time for myself, it's my own fault. And honestly, I'm looking for a therapist because I'm *THIS* close to kicking him out for other relationship issues. But this is just a question of household chores and am I being totally unfair of asking him for some help?

I actually tried doing nothing last weekend, but I failed because I had to buy groceries and cook, take care of the baby, etc. while he went out Saturday night with a friend and Sunday morning for a spontaneous biking tour with his brother, returning sometime in the afternoon. And then he just deposits his week's worth of dirty laundry in the hamper Sunday night so that I'm not bored Monday morning. But the hamper was already overflowing. It was like that all weekend. But it's just not his problem. It's mine. It doesn't matter to him if I do laundry on the weekend or not. It's up to me to decide if I want to tackle a mountain of laundry or a small dosis daily. I'm really resenting the whole situation.

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

I ask again.  He gets free time do these extra carriculars.  When do YOU get that chance.  I hear ya because I was there when my first son was a baby, and even when my second son was a baby.  But NOW?  (and my kids are still LITTLE) Im like whoa nelly.  Back up the mack truck.  You stop by so and sos garage on a random tuesday night, or bowl 3 nights a week?  Guess what, im going out with the girls friday night.  Or im getting my hair done saturday morning.  So you are sitting home with the boys while I do that, OR you are figuring out who is, cuz mama needs a break too.  its only fair. And when i put it to him like that, he knows that its true.   

Your husband doesnt sound fair in the slightest.  And if this is just scratching the surface of your relationship issues, i think its time to make some real decisions.  Tought ones prolly, but since your NOT happy living this way, somethings gotta give, right?

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by Terrilein 

 But this is just a question of household chores and am I being totally unfair of asking him for some help?

I think he sounds like a controlling jerk. I'm wondering if he is emotionally abusive because you seem to be doubting your own perceptions so much.

I think that being isolated without transportation or company all week sounds horrid and depressing, and that he sounds like he doesn't care about your feelings at all.

DH has learned through many years of marriage that our home will never be perfect and sometimes we will eat frozen pizza for dinner, and that if wants to stay married to me, he'll be nice to me, even when the house is messy and dinner is simple and he can't figure out what I did all day. Either that, or we can just live separately and he can write me a check, but he isn't my boss, he has to be nice, and if he doesn't care about my feelings that I don't see the point of us living together.

back to your question -- no, I do not think that you are being unfair in asking him for help or wanting to work in a partnership rather than being treated like a slave.

[Terrilein]

It's funny, because he accuses everybody of everything - especially being controlling. He's always the poor vicitm if you ask him. Anyhow, I'm just flabberghasted over the chores issue. It shouldn't even BE an issue. But it is and it's really making me mad. And expecially with this feedback, it's clearing some of the cobwebs in my brain to realize that he's just having a great time at my expense. If ever I complain about something - like not respecting my feelings/health issues - he'll pipe up with some example of perfectly doting partner behavior . . . like massaging my feet last summer - just some little instance of him doing something right to completely negate anything I say. Really need to find a therapist.

[HollyBearsMom]

When I read posts like this I always wonder if these men were like that prior to marriage, prior to kids. I mean do they really change *that* much?? This guys sounds like a selfish, controlling, manipulating, self centered a-hole. I can't imagine it just happened overnight.

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

OP, the more you type, the more your husband sounds dreadful.  And dreadfully like an abusive manipulator.  Sorry, but the whole victim thing is just to dang familiar. 

[seashells]

I was just thinking, maybe you could actually try CIO.

On your husband.

If he complains about something, just ignore. Let him cry it out. Oh well.

I'm all for wives helping husbands, but it goes both ways. Your "bank account" is long since empty, and he never puts anything into it. If it was a give and take, I'm sure you'd be happy to get right on his laundry right away, knowing he'd appreciate it and pay it back in his own way, whatever that might be.

But you could have a stuffed animal instead of a husband, and at least it wouldn't nag at you, and at least it would be fluffy. And it would require a lot less work of you to boot.

[AttunedMama]

Originally Posted by seashells 

But you could have a stuffed animal instead of a husband, and at least it wouldn't nag at you, and at least it would be fluffy. And it would require a lot less work of you to boot.

Hmmmmm. This makes me want to get crafty and make myself a stuffed husband. I'll give him some fluffy hair.

[Shaki]

I agree with PP your DH sounds like a controlling jerk. All 2 parent households have struggles over workload and childcare issues, but your situation sounds well outside of the norm of what I would consider normal partnership struggles.

I don't know what level of income your DH is bringing in, but if cleanliness is so damn important to him he can add 60-100 bucks to the weekly household budget so you can hire a cleaner. Or he can get off his a$$ and help!

This is just a suggestion to make dealing with groceries easier on you:  I don't know what city you live but do you have a grocery service that allows you to shop on line and then have it delivered? (Chicago and NYC both have services like this.) That's what I do and it's actually helped our household budgeting run more smoothly, the expense is every two weeks and the amount I spend is very predictable. Since I can see how the overall bill is adding up, I am always able to to stay on budget. Best of all the delivery people bring the food into the house and put it in the kitchen for me. All I have to do is unload. I'm very pregnant with a 5 year old DD and no car and doing groceries this way has really been a lifesaver.

Sorry to hear things with your DH are not good. Just remember you are NOT CRAZY or spoiled. Don't let him tell you that you are!

:)

[seashells]

I just realized I should say, the stuffed husband idea is not mine, but some other clever mama here at mdc.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by Terrilein 

 Anyhow, I'm just flabberghasted over the chores issue. It shouldn't even BE an issue.

I think chores are a common issue, esp in the first year of a child's life OR for new SAHMs. I think the reality of taking care of a baby is just a lot more work than most of us realize before we have them. I know that my DH and I had the chore stuff all planned out, but then we both ended up doing MORE than we thought we would. 

The difference is in how we resolved the issues -- by trying to see the other person's point of view.

Ultimately, my DH really values being married to me, and was willing to change and grow (I've changed and grown, too).

So, to me, part of the question is whether your DH values you enough to be willing to grow? The situation you describe isn't one I would want to live with. I'd be planning my exit. But people do change, though sometimes they only change if they really have to.

(And the grocery thing -- why don't you guys just go together on the weekend and get everything stocked up for the whole week. You could use the car and not have to lug everything, and he could help get it up the stairs. I have my own car and my DH and I do the shop together on the weekend. He likes the store -- it's where the food comes from!)

[journeymom]

Let's just repeat this, because this is a really great perspective:

DH has learned through many years of marriage that our home will never be perfect and sometimes we will eat frozen pizza for dinner, and that if wants to stay married to me, he'll be nice to me, even when the house is messy and dinner is simple and he can't figure out what I did all day. Either that, or we can just live separately and he can write me a check, but he isn't my boss, he has to be nice, and if he doesn't care about my feelings that I don't see the point of us living together.

When I read posts like this I always wonder if these men were like that prior to marriage, prior to kids. I mean do they really change *that* much?? This guys sounds like a selfish, controlling, manipulating, self centered a-hole. I can't imagine it just happened overnight.

How would she know her dh would respond to fatherhood this way?   Parenthood is a huge pressure cooker.  Some obnoxious personality traits might be unnoticeable or ignorable before you have to deal with children. 

My own, relatively very benign example: dh and I bought a house and I presumed that dh would be as committed to yard work as my own father was.  Turns out no, dh is not interested at all in taking care of the yard.  If I'd known this ahead of time I would have looked at very different homes. Would have made very different choices. Frankly I might not have married him.  But how in the world was I going to know this before we had our own yard to care for?

Just be careful here.  Give her a break.  There is such a thing as wisdom. 

[HollyBearsMom]

Originally Posted by journeymom 

Let's just repeat this, because this is a really great perspective:

How would she know her dh would respond to fatherhood this way?   Parenthood is a huge pressure cooker.  Some obnoxious personality traits might be unnoticeable or ignorable before you have to deal with children. 

My own, relatively very benign example: dh and I bought a house and I presumed that dh would be as committed to yard work as my own father was.  Turns out no, dh is not interested at all in taking care of the yard.  If I'd known this ahead of time I would have looked at very different homes. Would have made very different choices. Frankly I might not have married him.  But how in the world was I going to know this before we had our own yard to care for?

Just be careful here.  Give her a break.  There is such a thing as wisdom. 

My point is that if his attitudes are a new thing then the approach is different. My husband had a difficult transition when we had our son because he had never dealt with an infant. He was the youngest child in his family, never babysat, never had younger cousins etc. Zero experience. But he was still always loving, kind and generous. Also knew that about him in advance because we talked about it. I didn't wait until we had a baby to figure this stuff out.

So if this guy has always been the opposite of what she has written then she knows the cause and can best figure out how to fix it.  But if he has always been a manipulative, controlling a-hole- well that's going to be a lot harder, KWIM? 

Now in your case I would have never assumed those things about yard work, especially if in hind site you might not have married him because of it. When my husband and I were house hunting we talked a lot about those things. We actually opted out of few houses because when push came to shove I was never going to be the gardener his mom was (so lets forgo the house with huge gardens full of roses to maintain) and he was never going to lovingly rebuild that great old Victorian. We asked each other these types of questions.  But to us buying our first home was more a business matter than an emotional one because our goal was to get the best return on it so that we could eventually buy the type of home we are in now-lots of land, near a state parks etc. It would have been foolish not to discuss who was going to maintain the yard, do the repairs, etc prior to home ownership than discovering the fact afterwards.
 

[Terrilein]

Gosh, I don't know if he was always like this. He never had a "real" relationship until he met me. I knew him from work and had always liked and respected him. I never suspected he had this mean streak in him. Anyhow, he knew about my AP style before we started TTC and he thought that was great parenting stuff. He was totally on board with it. Only after I got pg and my libido plummeted to nearly non-existent - it's completely gone now - did he start becoming really frustrated with everything. After the baby was born he started resenting the baby, or rather how often/how much time I spend nursing the baby and, of course, co-sleeping. It used to be THE non-plus-ultra solution to a good night's sleep. Now he complains that the baby is keeping him awake - regardless of how loud my snoring is. For me, it all boils down to sex. He wants his full sex priviledges back. He acts like my breasts are actually HIS breasts out on loan. He would like for me to quit nursing now. He's under the erroneous belief that cio is the solution to everything. If the baby would stop nursing and finally sttn in his own bed, we'd have sex again. And I believe he's using his family now to pressure me into changing my parenting ways.

And, yes I do let my DP cio, especially as it concerns the cat litter and trash. I mean, c'mon! Be a man! He likes to give me the silent treatment as well, basically sitting where I can see him, trying to look as dejected as possible. It's like he's trying to WILL me to ask him what's wrong and take care of his boo-boo's. I just don't respond and go about my day.

Ugh, there are just so many things that irk me in the meantime . . . . which is why I want us to see a therapist. We need to either start fixing things together or I'm going to fix his bags for him. I, too, don't approve of his behavior one bit. But if he can't even see that he has to pitch in, then I don't know.

I've been married before, been a SAHM before. I know that there are certain things that couples tend to fight over. Chores was one of them, but the arguments were a lot different.  I mean, I consider housework to fall in my domain. But I do expect everyone to pitch in if they aren't busy with work or school. It's never really been an issue in the past. Everyone was ready to do their part. The question was just who was going to do what. And DP seems to think the question is "what? who? me?" And we have considered getting someone to do the cleaning - long before it became an issue. It just seems ridiculous and mind-boggling to me to hire somebody to do things we could all do for free if we worked together. I do have an acquaintance who has offered to do my housework for free. I'll have to chat her up again. High time anyways as our dd's are both in a snit with each other.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by Terrilein 

Anyhow, he knew about my AP style before we started TTC and he thought that was great parenting stuff. He was totally on board with it. Only after I got pg and my libido plummeted to nearly non-existent - it's completely gone now - did he start becoming really frustrated with everything. After the baby was born he started resenting the baby, or rather how often/how much time I spend nursing the baby and, of course, co-sleeping. It used to be THE non-plus-ultra solution to a good night's sleep. Now he complains that the baby is keeping him awake - regardless of how loud my snoring is. For me, it all boils down to sex.

I think this is a fairly common pattern. It's not the first time I've seen pretty much the same story right here on Mothering. The reality of a baby is different than the theory of a baby, and sex is an issue between many, many couples after they have a child. I don't know what the answer is -- mom doesn't feel like having sex because she touched out and annoyed at partner for not helping, partner doesn't feel like helping because he wants to have sex. It's an icky little cycle. (I don't know what the answer is, but I do have a hard time believing that all the men in this cycle are evil and deserve death. There ought to be a way out of the cycle)

I've been married before, been a SAHM before. I know that there are certain things that couples tend to fight over. Chores was one of them, but the arguments were a lot different.... It's never really been an issue in the past. Everyone was ready to do their part. The question was just who was going to do what. ...And we have considered getting someone to do the cleaning - long before it became an issue. It just seems ridiculous and mind-boggling to me to hire somebody to do things we could all do for free if we worked together.

Two things I see: Frist, you want him to be like your ex in some ways. That seems like a recipe for problems and resentments. Second, if he's fine hiring someone to clean and would prefer it to helping, what's wrong with that solution? Neither my DH or I care to do lawn work, so we hire it done. He's not your first husband. You'll have to find new solutions that work for the two of you. May be hiring help is part of the solution.

[Vaske]

Definitely go see a therapist.  A third party can help you work through your problems in a civil manner.  You need more help and understanding from your husband, and he needs more sex from you (especially after being away on the road all week; I think you put your finger on it when you said the problems started when your libido decreased).  Both of you need to learn how to work through problems together in a more healthy manner.  Whether or not your husband is open to working on things is up to him, but at least give him a chance.  

Also, think about making some serious changes in your living situation.  Can he find a job that requires less travel?  Can you move to a more convenient apartment?  Hire someone to do shopping or laundry for you?  It seems like your current circumstances are very hard on both of you, in different ways. 

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by HollyBearsMom 

So if this guy has always been the opposite of what she has written then she knows the cause and can best figure out how to fix it.  But if he has always been a manipulative, controlling a-hole- well that's going to be a lot harder, KWIM? 

My ex was always manipulative, but he was also really good at it. I didn't notice it, until ds1 was close to a year, or maybe even a little older than that. When people "change" into manipulative types during a period of life stress, it can be a sign that they're not coping well, I guess. But, it can also be a simple case of there not being enough (time, money, food, whatever) to go around, anymore, so they have break cover to get "their share". My ex may have ever shown his true colours if we hadn't had a child, but they were still his true colours, and he'd always been that way. He managed to completely hide it from me (partly because I'm an idiot, I think) for over eight years.

If this is new behaviour for OP's dp, that doesn't mean she knows the cause.