Am I being spoiled and unreasonable? Huge long vent - Page 2

[Shaki]

Well I gotta say if you can afford to hire a cleaning person do it!!! It'll take some pressure off you and maybe give your libido a chance to come back!

I wish we could, our budget is too tight. I mean DH takes out the garbage, does dishes, laundry, all that stuff without me having to ask for help. I do it too. We both do and I still wish we could hire a cleaner!

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move 

I think this is a fairly common pattern. It's not the first time I've seen pretty much the same story right here on Mothering. The reality of a baby is different than the theory of a baby, and sex is an issue between many, many couples after they have a child. I don't know what the answer is -- mom doesn't feel like having sex because she touched out and annoyed at partner for not helping, partner doesn't feel like helping because he wants to have sex. It's an icky little cycle. (I don't know what the answer is, but I do have a hard time believing that all the men in this cycle are evil and deserve death. There ought to be a way out of the cycle)

I don't think they're evil, either...but I also completely reject this way of phrasing the dilemma. It makes it about doing something (sex or helping) for each other. Helping out around the house isn't just about doing something for one's spouse. When it's framed that way, it boils down to "I live here, but all the housework is your responsibility - even though I contribute to the mess and benefit from the meals/laundry/whatever, I should only have to pitch in to be nice". Sex is about the relationship and also about meeting each other's needs. Housework is about taking care of what needs to be taken care of.  If dh turned our home into a tit-for-tat battleground over our sex life, all hell would break out...not because he was being "evil", but because he was making it clear that he has some very sexist assumptions about the division of labour around here. I have absolutely no patience with "I don't feel like pulling my own weight, because I"m not getting sex", and that's what this particular one boils down to. It's definitely icky - I'll give you that!
 

[Storm Bride]

OP: I also wanted to say that I see no reason not to hire a cleaning person, if your dh is onboard with it. I'd find the fact that he wants more sex, but also doesn't want to help out with the house that he's not happy with, really really obnoxious. But, if he's willing to pay someone else to do it, then I think that's reasonable. It's obviously a lot for you to deal with right now.

[seashells]

Good point Stormbride, but I have to admit that the OP's partner is probably not actually responsible for the weekly pickup and such, because he doesn't live there during the week.

The weekend stuff and the laundry he brings home is part of his shared responsibility, but she is not picking up after him during the week.

On the other hand, ostensibly their FAMILY is shared responsibility even if he's not there. If everything were tit for tat, what's the point of a family, right? If his wife needs help, what's the point of a family if his response is to 1) decline and 2) belittle her for it to boot.

I just remember back to, oh, the first six months of DD's life. I was useless. And DH just stepped in the best he could - working full time and often even coming home to make me food. I'm not lazy, I'm not entitled, but I needed help and DH gave it without saying "well, your food is your responsibility" or "you didn't give me sex last night." And you know what, that means that if he's having a hard time (and he has, we all do) then I don't get on his case for everything, I either help or at least just let it slide. Since we trust that we'll support each other overall, then we don't have to keep score. But you bet I'd keep score bigtime if I only got criticism and no help.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by seashells 

I just remember back to, oh, the first six months of DD's life. I was useless. And DH just stepped in the best he could - working full time and often even coming home to make me food. I'm not lazy, I'm not entitled, but I needed help and DH gave it without saying "well, your food is your responsibility" or "you didn't give me sex last night." And you know what, that means that if he's having a hard time (and he has, we all do) then I don't get on his case for everything, I either help or at least just let it slide. Since we trust that we'll support each other overall, then we don't have to keep score. But you bet I'd keep score bigtime if I only got criticism and no help.

This. All this.

DH has stepped up after each of our babies arrived (I've had all c-sections, with a range of recoveries), especially our stillborn son. I didn't ask him to - he just did. He gets that it's our house and our kids...

[HollyBearsMom]

Originally Posted by Storm Bride 

My ex was always manipulative, but he was also really good at it. I didn't notice it, until ds1 was close to a year, or maybe even a little older than that. When people "change" into manipulative types during a period of life stress, it can be a sign that they're not coping well, I guess. But, it can also be a simple case of there not being enough (time, money, food, whatever) to go around, anymore, so they have break cover to get "their share". My ex may have ever shown his true colours if we hadn't had a child, but they were still his true colours, and he'd always been that way. He managed to completely hide it from me (partly because I'm an idiot, I think) for over eight years.

If this is new behaviour for OP's dp, that doesn't mean she knows the cause.

Of course not but its a place to start, trying to figure out what has changed. Sure she could be "an idiot" (which I don't think you were) and he could be a socio-path adept at hiding his true nature too.  Either is possible.  But maybe its my nature over analyze. If my generous, kind, loving, empathetic husband suddenly pulled a Jeckle and Hyde my knee jerk reaction wouldn't be "socio-path". I would be looking at other things first. 

[Terrilein]

Oh, my, this thread is just taking on such dimensions! I need to request everyone to only post in the thread in Parents as Partners sub-forum, please! I just can't keep up with both threads and I'm overlooking comments and mixing responses up. I hope I've managed to respond to everyone's questions and concerns in the other thread. Indeed, I've posted an embarrassingly huge response there.