tired of it and ready for a change- partner issues

[ContentMama]

Hello all,

This is a familiar theme and I've had about enough of it. At 3 am last night when I was rocking DS back to sleep because he wouldn't nurse back to sleep, I started to feel resentful towards DF (fiance) about the fact that he spends maybe an hour a day with him at best and does 0 of the nighttime parenting. Now I get that he goes out to work and works hard. However, that doesn't negate his dad responsibilities nor mean that I have to work non-stop 24/7 and be a single parent at night. I started to think what is the use of being together, I could actually get a day or two to myself if we split, etc, etc.

So my thoughts this morning are what if df does bedtime on Fridays. Saturday he's out all night with his friends and the rest of the days are work nights. He would get ds to sleep and deal with the wake ups until I go to bed (which is usually a few hours later and I'd nurse beforehand or maybe prepare a bottle for df to give him??). I may actually be able to leave the house past 6 pm for a change. I'd have to deal with df complaining about how hard it is. And he gets impatient quick which I have wondered if it's just because he thinks he doesn't really have to deal with it, he can just turn ds back over to me. Almost like a temper tantrum "I don't want to do this".

Would you just start with Fridays or do a consecutive stretch until ds got used to it and then just Fridays?

[sunnygir1]

I know how hard that is.  I have done almost all of the nighttime parenting for our two children.

I think you should try to get your df to help you get more sleep, and even get out with your friends.  Sometimes daytime is easier than nighttime.  Could you get out of the house alone on Saturdays during the day?

If it is hard on your df, which it sounds like it is, I don't think it would be wise to try a stretch of days.  I do think it might help for you to leave the house, but make sure your df has a way to call for back up if he needs it.  I hate to bring it up, but no breaks is much better than a shaken or otherwise injured baby.

I also think this might get a little better from the baby's side in the next couple months.  My babies handled me leaving better around 8 months, although dd still cried a lot with dh at that age.  By 18 months or 2years they started really liking dad and having a good time when I left them with him.

I believe that mothers shouldn't have to bear the weight of crying babies and sleep deprivation alone, but based on my experience, I don't know if you can force something else to work out.  Maybe there are other ways your df can support you, too, like taking baby for a walk Saturday mornings while you sleep in, or cooking meals on the weekend.

If it were me, I don't think I would tolerate out all night with his friends every Saturday, but I don't know how that would have worked in our relationship because dh has never gone out without me very frequently.

Don't underestimate the value of a stable income.  If you split up (which is a decision you should make regardless of this comment) you would each be paying for a place to live and all the expenses that go along with it.  You might get some days "off" from your child, but you would be working, too.  I haven't had a full time job since dd was 6 months old (so 3.5 years) and it has been a huge blessing for our family, even though it is also a stress on our relationship.

Finally, since my dh isn't great with babies, I found it very helpful to have a friend or sister help with my babes from time to time to give me a little respite.  And it might help to know that it will get easier -- the baby will start to sleep more.

[BaileyB]

It is definitely hard. Especially when DH says stuff like, 'Well I would get up, but you ave the boobies.' Which I guess is true...but there was one night where I fed LO and for some reason she fought and fought to not go to back to sleep so I rolled over and said to DH, "She wants her daddy to put her to bed." (she's 6 weeks old) and he said, "You want ME to do it??" He didn't say it angrily but he was shocked that I would even think to have him help at night. It is hard and sometimes I would rather have him take care of her so I can do stuff around the house rather than her being tied to me 24/7. Sometimes if he watches her while I go run an errand I find myself speeding down the road like I am escaping or something. Being a mother is hard, harder than I even thought but it is definitely worth it. Sorry i don't have any good advice but you're not alone.

[Greenlea]

I totally understand.  I am doing all the nighttime parenting with my 4.5 mth old.  I get so resentful of my DH because, well, he gets to sleep!  He complains that he has to work (granted he works 2 jobs a couple nights a week) and his work is physically demanding so he needs the sleep.  I work too dammit.  It may only be 3 days a week, but I have to get up at 6am to get ready, and on my off days I'm up at 6:30-7:00am cuz that's what time my kids get up.  It's a daily fight between me and DH.

However, my DS is also on this "I want to nurse non-stop right now and daddy can't help me with that" phase.  Ugh.  It sucks but my DS will really not go to sleep for my DH anyways, so then I feel guilty for being mad at DH for not helping.  In his defense, my DH does help a ton with daytime stuff for my DS.  And he does the whole bedtime routine for my 2yr old.

Having your DF help with feeding the baby a bottle is a good thing.  However, does he go out EVERY saturday night?  If so, that doesn't seem fair.

[1stTimeMama4-4-10]

Oh mama, that's really tough.  In my home, we have different struggles about childcare responsibilities.  I work 9-5ish monday-friday. DH works some evenings and weekends and stays home with DD while I work.  I find that I frequently have no down time because as soon as I walk in the door, I am on mommy duty and DH needs a break - this is totally fine because I LOVE cuddling and nursing when I get home and I know DH needs a little bit of time to himself after spending all day caring for DD.  The problem is that at some point during the evening, I NEED some me time.  I don't need much, but I need like 20 minutes to sit in front of the computer and read email/forums etc. to unwind.  If DD is in the room, she inevitably crawls to me and pulls herself up and whines until I pick her up. Then she tries to pound my keyboard and pull the monitor off the desk.  Needless to say, it's not very relaxing to have me-time if DD is in the room. For us, it took a while before we fell into a rhythm.

Now, I come home and spend most of the evening with DD.  DH and I sort of pass her back and forth when we eat and at the end of the night, DH will take DD to bed where he changes her and reads her a couple of stories while I hang out by myself.  Then when I am done or baby gets too fussy, I head upstairs refreshed and ready to nurse DD to sleep and get ready for a long night of nursing.  Sometimes DD needs DH to walk her to sleep if she won't nurse to sleep.  Other times if she wakes in the middle of the night and I can't get her back down I will have DH walk her. We are finally in a place where we are able to help support each other instead of constantly feeling resentful that the other is not doing enough. Most of this happened when we had a series of very honest conversations about what our expectations were. Before that, we fought frequently.

I strongly recommend that you have a talk with your fiance and try to convey to him that you BOTH work and that when he gets home, he needs to split the childcare responsibilities with you. Otherwise, you will feel increasingly resentful and distant from him.  Ways he could help would include taking the baby out for a walk just the two of them in the evening after work, taking baby out - or even just taking over baby duty in the home but away from you - on Saturday mornings so you can get some sleep, helping put baby to sleep from time to time - it is very helpful to have a partner who is capable of walking a baby to sleep. It's far too much responsibility for just one person to be solely in charge of getting baby down to sleep. You also need to get out of the house alone a couple of times a month JUST LIKE HIM! 

Good luck!

[Monarchgrrl]

I have a different perspective on it and here's how it's working for us, maybe it'll help some:

I'm the WOHM and DW is the SAHM. We made a "rule" at the beginning that when I went back to work that she would do all the nighttime parenting during the week so I could sleep (I EP so there is no nursing involved. We can both feed her, which makes a big difference, I know). And then I would take Friday and Saturday nights and I usually do at least half or usually most of the parenting on the weekends. DW is still there and part of our family time, but I do the feedings, naps, half the entertaining and all diaper changes. I also do 100% of the parenting after work until bedtime. That (and weekends) might change as DD gets older and might want one parent for some things and the other for other things. We also give each other a couple of hours on the weekend to go do our own things. I take Saturday mornings and sleep in or watch crappy tv shows. DW takes Sunday mornings to sleep in or play on the internet. We both need our alone time, even though we're still in the house and available if needed.

Now, DD STTN almost 100% of the time, but she wakes up at 6-6:30 am some days and that's much earlier than I have to get up for work. Lately DD has been interested in waking up at 3am to play some nights. If it's a weekday, DW has to take it. And she is a grump and NOT happy when she gets less sleep than usual. I usually offer to get up instead but she insists I sleep. If it's a weekend, I get up and do our little routine to try and get her back to sleep, or just stay up with her.

There are times when DD is really having a hard time falling asleep and cries and cries (in arms). For some reason (I think she can smell my milk in my boobies but can't nurse and it makes her mad :( ) DW can much more easily put her to sleep when she's fighting it. So if DW hears us having a hard time on a weekend night then she will get up and take over.

Now, I personally, would not be ok with going out with my friends every weekend or having DW do that. If we each wanted to do that then we would make it even and only occasionally.

It seems like it's pretty unequal in your relationship. Maybe you two could come up with compromises that work for both of you as far as making the parenting time more equal? It works for us to set "rules" that way it's harder to be upset in the middle of the night, knowing you agreed to it.

[snuggly]

I can relate- It's so hard to find a balance!  What helped us quite a bit was when DH found his ways of soothing the babe... In our family that meant baby wearing.  My DH does much better if he is "doing" something active - He's not so great at sitting/rocking/soothing, but he daily takes DD out for a small hike or straps her own while he does some chores.  It's great "me-time".

[philomom]

Yes, moms the have the boobies. But your dh could get the baby, change the diaper and make sure the baby is hungry before handing her to you. My feet never left the floor at night when I was a nursing mom unless I was going to the bathroom. Nighttime parenting is tough. he should pitch in every day.

[ContentMama]

Thanks for all the feedback/experience/compassion! It's good for me to hear from objective others that I am not being selfish here, that things are uneven. I do have to say that his mom helps out at least once a week and she is great. I find myself using this time to catch up on work though!

Imagine my surprise today when after work he said (on his own) that I should go out one evening and he will be in charge of putting ds to bed!!!! I was shocked and thinking, did he somehow get into my email, lol (not possible). I am not sure if his mom said something to him about helping more or what. So we are going to try that tomorrow and see how it goes. I won't be far so if it's too crazy I can come back. He has been able to get him for naps so hoping it will go ok.

Also realizing that maybe I don't do such a good job enforcing my own needs. I can go and go and love hanging with ds and so it's not until it's too late that I get angry and realize I need some time! I have to work on preventative maintenance rather than pushing my limits and feeling hostile that I'm overworked.

Yep, he goes out every Saturday evening. I'm really ok with this as long as I can get some time too and that time not be spent doing housework.

Ok have to go get ds ready for bed :)