I don't want to be FB friends with my DH

[MissMaegie'sMama]

My DH just set up a FB account, and I don't want to friend him. No, I'm not having an affair.  I use FB as a refuge from my home life, and having my husband on my friend list seems antithetical to that end.

DH can be negative and judgmental about my interests. One thing he has been critical of me of is my enjoyment of certain bands and/or music genres. Even though we like a lot of the same music, if I like a band or musician that he's not into, he insinuates it's because I have poor taste. For example, I like bluegrass music, and he doesn't. He asks me why I like this "lame stuff." Nice, huh?

I admit I feel judged by him, and over the years I have watered down my personality to stave off his criticism. Maybe "watered down" is the wrong term-- I still like what I like, but I like it away from his eyes. On my FB profile, I list my favorite music, books, and movies. I have no problem sharing this stuff with the people currently on my friends list. They wouldn't make fun of me--not that there's anything there to make fun of, unless you're my DH.

I am not a passive person or a pushover. I guess my taste in things like literature and music and my philosophical views are touchy subjects for me. I don't want my taste criticized. Who does, right?

Our mutual friends have sent me suggestions to add DH as a friend. I admit it probably looks weird not having your spouse on your friends list. I am paralyzed with fear that if I add DH to my friends I will feel compelled to erase everything from my profile so I won't get teased.

On his end, DH isn't pushing me to add him. I told him that FB is my place to "get away from it all," and he was cool with that. But eventually I will have to tell him the truth. A few months ago, I told him I feel hesitant to announce the things I love, whether or not he likes them too. He responded with something along the lines of how much "better" I am than he is and that he can't understand why I feel the need to hide my proclivities. Well, duh. He is a work in progress. As am I. And yes, I am in therapy, but not marital counceling with DH.

Thanks for reading. Can anyone relate? Any advice?

[doubledutch]

i can completely get that!  i think you can have different settings on facebook where some of your friends don't really see your stuff because they're not your real friends, lol . . . i was thinking about doing that but haven't figured it out yet.  you could do that, so dh would appear on your friends list, but it would look as if you have nothing posted on your wall, he wouldn't see your conversations, etc.  or, since he doesn't care, then who cares what anyone else thinks?

as for the actual issue at hand, i don't know that i have advice.  i can relate to what you're saying.  i experience that with my family and certain friends.  i'm not necessarily lying or being fake, but not fully being myself.  and honestly?  that sucks.  it doesn't feel great.  i want to believe that i would still be loved and accepted - enthusiastic accepted, not just tolerated - by these people, but i don't believe that, based on the negative and judgmental stuff they've said in the past.  so i just don't.  i don't fully shine.  and that sucks.  don't you want better for your relationship with him?

[MissMaegie'sMama]

Thanks, doubledutch. Yes, yes, yes, it absolutely sucks to feel you have to censor yourself around someone who claims to care for you! Even worse, my predicament is completely nonsensical, because in most ways I'm totally outspoken around him. Politics? I'll spar with him any chance I get. We have somewhat different spiritual beliefs too, and I'm right out in the open with that. So it's not like I'm some meek little wifey. It's just the music/movies/media thing. He's especially into music, and I think maybe he sees it as "his--" something that he can claim superior knowledge of compared to me (which really isn't so, but he thinks it).

I guess I will add him and then block him from my profile... I will have to look up how to do that. He is totally clueless about computers and internet use, so I don't think he'd be much the wiser about what's up.

He's also made a few comments about how there are all these people who want to be friends with him on Facebook (mostly people from high school) and how "everyone" liked him back in high school. He's been on FB for two days and has as many "friends" as I've added in the nearly two years I've been using FB. He refused to accept friend requests from a few former classmates because they weren't "cool" back in the day. He's being terribly juvenile, and it stinks.

[APToddlerMama]

Yikes!  Sounds like he lacks a lot of empathy.  Were you able to block him from your profile?  If not, I just would not be friends with him on FB.  Who cares what people think, really? 

[camprunner]

I've had to cut off most of my family from my facebook account but mostly just because they really hurt my feelings...like when my mom announced that she'd been in the hospital on facebook and hadn't bothered to tell me first (we live four hours apart and she told me she didn't want to talk to me on the phone) or when my brother flashed an ultrasound of his new baby (that I'd never heard about) on facebook when we were in the tww (which thank goodness came out with BFP).  My husband and I don't have so much of a problem but I think a lot of people seem to think it's wierd when I post a picture of my family and don't tag them because I'm not friends with them.

[savannah smiles]

I feel similarly towards my mom. There was not graceful way to get out of adding her to my friend's list but I do regret having her on there.  She will often make snarky remarks or take things I say the wrong way and it just gets annoying. I see Facebook as a fun place for me to interact with friends and family and I don't get political or religious so I resent the fact that she brings the room down.

If your dh doesn't care about being your FB friend, simply don't add him. It took my dh awhile before he wanted to add me but that's because he uses his account for work purposes and is a public'ish figure and he needed to make sure I wasn't posting off the wall stuff that would show up in his feed.

[MissMaegie'sMama]

APToddlerMama, I haven't asked him to be friends, but I might once I figure out how to block him from seeing my feed and profile. From there I can figure out my comfort level with what I let him see.

Yes, he totally lacks empathy. OTOH, he's a very sensitive person, but his feelings so overwhelm him that he over-corrects and comes off as callous. He is not a bad guy, and he is not trying to inflict control over me with his behavior, but the matter of "taste" is a lot for me to overcome in terms of letting him be privy to what I share with others on FB. I find it a little ironic, considering he should be the person who knows me best.

[MissMaegie'sMama]

Originally Posted by savannah smiles 

I feel similarly towards my mom. There was not graceful way to get out of adding her to my friend's list but I do regret having her on there.  She will often make snarky remarks or take things I say the wrong way and it just gets annoying. I see Facebook as a fun place for me to interact with friends and family and I don't get political or religious so I resent the fact that she brings the room down.

If your dh doesn't care about being your FB friend, simply don't add him. It took my dh awhile before he wanted to add me but that's because he uses his account for work purposes and is a public'ish figure and he needed to make sure I wasn't posting off the wall stuff that would show up in his feed.

Originally Posted by camprunner 

I've had to cut off most of my family from my facebook account but mostly just because they really hurt my feelings...like when my mom announced that she'd been in the hospital on facebook and hadn't bothered to tell me first (we live four hours apart and she told me she didn't want to talk to me on the phone) or when my brother flashed an ultrasound of his new baby (that I'd never heard about) on facebook when we were in the tww (which thank goodness came out with BFP).  My husband and I don't have so much of a problem but I think a lot of people seem to think it's wierd when I post a picture of my family and don't tag them because I'm not friends with them.

I can relate. I have several toxic/self-centered family members on my dad's side of the family. I didn't take their crap-- I called them out on it, and they deleted me as a friend. Thank goodness.

[rhianna813]

I just want to chime in that my DH doesn't want me as his friend on FB. I was bit a hurt at first but after we talked about why I totally understand. His FB account is very much geared towards his lodge friends, both regional and international. They yammer on about their philosophy, not really anything I'd care to read. His FB account is open on the computer all the time and he is hiding nothing. Just a bunch of geeky guy friends.

But I understand because I currently do not have any relatives or co workers on FB. Just friends!

Rhianna

[kittynurse]

I totally get what you mean.  My DH and I *are* friends on FB but we don't use our accounts in the same way it sounds like you do and he also doesn't really care who or what I like (which sounds way worse than it is! LOL)

BUT...

He is absolutely, positively, never ever allowed to follow me on Twitter.  That's *my* personal refuge and while I really don't ever say anything that matters much, it's just nice to have somewhere private that I can talk about stuff if I want to.

Personally, if he hasn't mentioned wanting to friend you and hasn't done so himself, I wouldn't bother friending him and would just ignore those people who send the suggestions.  Who cares what they think really?

[Starry-eyedMom]

I get it about having people you know on FB. My dh isn't on (yet), but he keeps mentioning he might start one up and I just cringe. My mom, on the other hand, IS on and she drives me crazy with over-sharing and constantly commenting on people's posts and pictures that I've commented on. Then she adds people I'm friends with that she's only met a couple times (through me). She's the type that wants to be involved with everyone and everything that I am--no concept of boundaries.  Big sigh. Social media is a wonderful connector but it certainly has it's down side.

BTW, I haven't been able to block her from seeing certain posts--I think blocking is all or nothing unfortunately. You CAN customize who can see pictures and videos you share though.

Edited by Starry-eyedMom - 3/27/11 at 10:20am

[Viola]

I think you should friend your dh on facebook.  I have a lot of different friends on facebook, and some of them are probably people who don't really have a lot of respect for me in the sense that I think they think I'm not very smart.  But I kind of feel like I can be out there with stuff, and if people want to argue with me, I can argue much more effectively with them on facebook than if I were to be talking to them face to face, so I feel like I am in a fairly good place having them as fb friends.  Although, who knows, they probably still think I'm stupid, but what can you do.

I am doing the 30 Day Song challenge on facebook, and I just put Bill Monroe and the Bluegrass Boys as my favorite band.     My husband and I don't share a lot of similar tastes, I feel like I'm much more willing to try his tastes than he is mine.  The only reason I wouldn't want to befriend him on facebook is because then I couldn't complain about him or use his sayings as my quote of the day.  My husband doesn't have facebook, he has real issues with the privacy and such, but he does follow me on twitter.

Anyway, I don't know, I think if you did link to bluegrass music and stuff like that, other people might come and comment positively. And if your husband gets too sarcastic in his responses, you can block him from posting to your wall. Let him see it, but don't let him comment. Or tell him that is comment was offensive, so you had to delete it.  Or heck, just block him from your wall.  It seems like most of the people I know on facebook are either total classical music people, or total pop/rock people.  I have weird tastes compared to a lot of them, and I used to feel kind of embarrassed about it, but what the heck, I don't care anymore.
 

Originally Posted by MissMaegie'sMama 

My DH just set up a FB account, and I don't want to friend him. No, I'm not having an affair.  I use FB as a refuge from my home life, and having my husband on my friend list seems antithetical to that end.

DH can be negative and judgmental about my interests. One thing he has been critical of me of is my enjoyment of certain bands and/or music genres. Even though we like a lot of the same music, if I like a band or musician that he's not into, he insinuates it's because I have poor taste. For example, I like bluegrass music, and he doesn't. He asks me why I like this "lame stuff." Nice, huh?

[treeoflife3]

I have only read the OP.

I think I'd tell my husband that truth, that I feel criticized for what I like and I enjoy being able to really ENJOY those things on my facebook... it is my special place so to speak.  I'd say that although I love him, it is probably better because then he won't be tempted to say something and I can still have my space where it can be bluegrass all the time if I want.  If he were bothered by this, I'd say I agree to adding him only on the basis that he doesn't say anything negative on or off FB about what I put on FB.

but I'd only do this if he cared... if right now he doesn't care that you aren't 'friends' on an internet website, then just let it be.  It only needs to be dealt with if its a problem and its only a problem if he cares about having your name next to the 'married' status.

for what it is worth, my husband is on my FB but we never look at each others pages except when he is away and wants to see pics of the kids.  We don't comment or look at status updates or anything.  If we want to be involved with each other, we have email, the phone, or face to face hehe.

[MissMaegie'sMama]

Originally Posted by Viola 

I think you should friend your dh on facebook.  I have a lot of different friends on facebook, and some of them are probably people who don't really have a lot of respect for me in the sense that I think they think I'm not very smart.  But I kind of feel like I can be out there with stuff, and if people want to argue with me, I can argue much more effectively with them on facebook than if I were to be talking to them face to face, so I feel like I am in a fairly good place having them as fb friends.  Although, who knows, they probably still think I'm stupid, but what can you do.

I am doing the 30 Day Song challenge on facebook, and I just put Bill Monroe and the Bluegrass Boys as my favorite band.     My husband and I don't share a lot of similar tastes, I feel like I'm much more willing to try his tastes than he is mine.  The only reason I wouldn't want to befriend him on facebook is because then I couldn't complain about him or use his sayings as my quote of the day.  My husband doesn't have facebook, he has real issues with the privacy and such, but he does follow me on twitter.

Anyway, I don't know, I think if you did link to bluegrass music and stuff like that, other people might come and comment positively. And if your husband gets too sarcastic in his responses, you can block him from posting to your wall. Let him see it, but don't let him comment. Or tell him that is comment was offensive, so you had to delete it.  Or heck, just block him from your wall.  It seems like most of the people I know on facebook are either total classical music people, or total pop/rock people.  I have weird tastes compared to a lot of them, and I used to feel kind of embarrassed about it, but what the heck, I don't care anymore.
 

Oh, my DH would never comment sarcastically on FB about anything I posted on FB. He would comment insensitively to my face!

Honestly, I don't think he realizes that he hurts my feelings with his flippant or insensitive responses to my interests. I know he's not deliberately trying to hurt me. The real problem is (as a PP aptly described it) that he is not a very empathetic person. He has a hard time understanding and acknowledging the feelings of others (he's like that with our kids, too). He just doesn't "get" why I enjoy things that he doesn't enjoy. He's getting better at respecting our differences, though, and I'm getting better at showing him that my interests are perfectly legit, even if he doesn't share them.

I'm not all that knowledgable about bluegrass, but I live in an area where there is an annual bluegrass music festival. I attended it last year because a friend was going, and I discovered that I like the genre! I have always been more of a driving-to-Chicago for Lollapalooza and club show kind of girl, so I was pleased to realize my tastes have explanded. I never would have guessed I'd enjoy bluegrass if I hadn't taken a chance and tagged along with my friend!