8 year old issues, normal behaviour?

[mum5]

My oldest dd is 8, so I have nothing to compare her too, so need some advice, input and ideas to help get through this.

She has always been a quite spirited child, high energy and high needs, when she is at home, At school she is an A+ student as far as behaviour is concerned.

She is going through pre-puberty I am sure, some hips are developing and her chest is changing.

The problems we are having is that she is constantly grumpy, in a bad mood and unhappy.

She also is VERY vocal when she is unhappy and quite frankly makes life at home miserable for all involved from the moment she gets up in the morning ( which is very early ) to the moment that she goes to bed at night. Well, not every moment, but 90% of the time.

It is me, with the kids pretty much all the time, DH works long hours, and when he is at home he does help out a great deal, but it is usually me.

So I feel like I am at the end of my rope.

She told me last night, that she feels like she is unhappy and sad and her emotions are out of control. Sometimes she feels really happy, then really sad.

I am going to speak w/ her pedi tomorrow, without her, and I hope that he can help me out. Not sure what he is going to say though, but I have to do something. I feel like she is controlling the house with her negative moods.

The really sad part is that I feel like she is slipping away from me, like we are growing apart.

Thanks for reading thus far.

[mamazee]

Obviously moodiness is common in pubescent and pre-pubescent girls, but it sounds like it is worth a talk to the ped as you have planned as there can be other reasons as well.  Try to be gentle as kids going through puberty are going through such intense changes and really do feel that bad.  I remember how awful I felt all the time.  I know it's annoying but it's worse on her end than your end, you know?

Hugs to both of you!

[Daffodil]

I have no idea what's normal, but my DD is just about the same age and isn't acting that way at all.  (She isn't showing any noticeable physical changes, either.)  A few months ago, she seemed to be in a moodier, more emotional phase, but that just involved some quiet sadness and a little crying, mostly over feeling inferior to other kids.  These days, she seems pretty happy overall.

[doubledutch]

to me, it sounds like you are describing someone with depression, regardless of age, hormones, whatever . . . it sounds tough for all of you! 

[mom2happy]

It sounds like you have my life! DH with long hours and our kids are almost the same ages.

My DD will be turning 8 next week. She is extremely emotional and vocal and gets angry in a snap.

I don't feel like we are drifting apart though. That is the part of you post that concerns me.

Through all of my DD's anger, moodiness, yelling....... we stay connected.

If you feel that you are becoming unable to reach her, I suggest focusing what ever energy you have on getting that back.
Maybe doing things with her on her terms and really letting her know she can trust you. She might feel because of her obnoxious behavior that you don't "like" her anymore. Every once in a while my DD feels this way. She even gets down on herself because of her volatility. We are getting outside help, but for the day to day stuff it is key that she feels I am on her side.

[mum5]

Thanks so much for all responses.

I have thought of depression, bi polar etc, not sure if that is the case, but we are getting help from therapy.

We don't have mental health insurance and would have to pay out of pocket, so our pedi suggested clinics that would allow her / us take part in studies that would be free , if there are any that fits our problems, and also gave #'s of therapists who work w/ our insurance.

He said that what concerned him was the way that she was expressing herself when she sad " My emotions are out of control" and " i FEEL REALLY HAPPY, THEN REALLY SAD"  opps, sorry about caps.

He seemed to think that this was an extremely mature way of her trying to tell me that she needs help.

He thought that therapy would be good for us both to allow me to have tools to parent her in a different way from her other siblings.

I definately let her know that I am on her side, and that I love her unconditionally. I tell her that she was my 1st baby, and super special, but also super hard as I had to learn everything about taking care of a baby , and now she is my 1st 8 year old, and also super special, but that I am still learning , just like I was when she was a baby.

She has a baby brother, and so gets the new baby concept, and she really loved it when I told her that.

To the last poster, I am trying to oblige her when ever I can. She really wants the Sketchers Twinkle Toes,has done for a while. We looked at them briefly the other day, nearly $50. I told her that we cannot buy sneakers for $50, as they are too much money.

She was very upset and vocally in a really bad mood with me, being rude and disrespectful. I ignored it, but did tell her that we could look at them on line when we got home.

Well after a little searching togethor, we found a great pair on e bay for way less than $50,( I explained that concept to her!) and bid on them, and won! she is thrilled to bits, and excited to recieve them.

So I guess that whilst everything in my parenting head was saying "don't buy these sneakers for a kid who is rude, etc" maybe it was the right thing to do?

Oh, parenting is a hard job isn't it!!

[One_Girl]

Some of what you describe seems very similar to my dd, who is also going through puberty.  She has always been an emotional child but is more so now.  She gets more dramatic than ever and expresses it for longer periods of time whether it is over a hurt feeling, anger, or disappointment.  She is also a lot more vocal about identifying her emotions and making sure that I listen to her when she tells me how she feels.  We were arguing a lot and she had a hissy fit about almost everything.  I started passing this off as normal puberty stuff for a while and let a small rift start between us to give her space to be independent and also because I was drained and wanted to be alone, but then I read a book about the importance of parents doing things to keep the relationship strong even when it is hard and I started doing more to identify with her and be present with her again.  It has made a lot of difference in her behavior and our relationship.  I was forgetting that even though she seems so old and puberty is a time of growing in independence she is also still a child and she still needs the closeness and security of a family.  That little bit of time we spend together lets her know that I love her and that I care and she remembers that even when she doesn't get her way, she is calmer and more willing to accept that I there are valid reasons for me to say no to something or to have her do something she may not want to do.  I think counseling is a good way to go, but I also suggest finding a daily thing she likes to do to bond with just her.  For my dd it is reading a chapter or two out of a book she has chosen from the library while we lay in her bed then letting her tell me about her day before turning out the light.  If her father is in your life then rotating days on this can build a strong relationship with each of you while you also focus on your other children. 

I don't think that what your dd said to you is off if she is normally an emotionally competent child.  I think that most children this age aren't as emotionally competent as they could be so it may seem like a cry for help when it is really just her noticing what is going on with her changing body and moods but I don't know that it actually is.  Have you been reading her books about puberty so she knows that the changes going on are normal?  If not I think you should because that may put her mind at ease a lot and decrease some of the stress she is feeling and acting on.

[mom2grrls]

8 was a rough age for both my daughters(now 12 and 9).  Does she sleep well?  I know if my kids are not getting enough sleep, emotions go overboard;)

[meemee]

aaaah you've hit what i call the preteen angst. this is their first round of teenage years. training for you for the future.

it all sounds sooo familiar. 

i am surprised the pedi thinks otherwise. sad and happy - emotional extremes are so typical when prepuberty hits. hormonal changes. 

what your dd says is exactly what my dd went thru - at 5 1/2. by 6 she had started BO.

for my dd it was anger and excitement. 'mama i feel like there is someone inside me making me do things i dont want to do [like hit me]' these are intense kids and they react intensely. 

dd felt increasingly frustrated. 'mama i am using words and speaking to you, why dont you understand me?"

i have come across some 8 year old threads talking about this here.

as pp said i do believe its a cry for help - a cry for you to be patient and understnding. and hang in there. i usually did well with dd's behav, because i could see she was 10 times worse off than me. 

the basic 3 are still very very VERY IMPORTANT. enough exercise, enough food and enough rest. 

i have not read louse bates aimes 'your eight year old' but its a GREAT series http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0440506786/ref=pd_lpo_k2_dp_sr_2?pf_rd_p=486539851&pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe-1&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_i=0440506816&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_r=1TN1FDAYM0DNBKRCAJEZ

[beanma]

This sounds totally within the realm of normal to me, too. I don't think therapy will hurt, but I don't think anything you've described sounds like it's not just normal 8 yr old girl stuff especially if you see signs that she's starting to develop. I'm going to recommend a few books, for her and you.

For her (and you to read with her if she likes) I heartily recommend:

The Care and Keeping of You (about puberty and hygiene and being physically fit)

and

The Feelings Book (about the emotional ups and downs of puberty, dealing with girl friend drama, etc)

both from American Girl. These are really great books my 10 yr old and 7 yr old adore. The Feelings book talks just about what you've described—feeling on top of the world one minute and crashing down in the dumps the next minute. I think to read that this stuff is normal really, really helped my dd1 this fall when she was going through a rough time at age 9. The Care and Keeping of You is really empowering, too, and while it does talk about puberty it's not as much a sex ed book as "It's So Amazing" et al, but talks about what to do when you get your period at school or if you leak through your pants. It also talks about taking care of your hair and how you should shower frequently as you enter puberty and zits and exercise and eating right — the whole 9 yards. Really well done and it's probably one of my dd1's fave books.

For you I recommend

Girls Will Be Girls, Raising Confident and Courageous Girls by JoAnn Deak. It again, normalizes this stuff and lets you know when something is out of the range of normal. It goes through elementary ages thru high school and does a pretty good job of letting you know what they're going thru and what pitfalls you need to look out for as a parent and how you can guide your girl through the rough waters.

hth

[mum5]

Thanks for the book recs. We have read all of them apart from the Girls will be Girls. I will look for it at the library.

DD1 did like the Feelings book, and the Care and Keeping Book. I found her looking at it a lot, which I was surprised about, but now, I am seeing that she really was interested in the information. I think I will buy them both, as I have another dd a couple of years behind, and I am sure I will be using it time and time again.

Thanks for all the support. I guess we hit a rough patch, and it was hard to get through, but it does help to know that many other's have gone through similar situations with their daughters.

I don't think that counseling would hurt, maybe would be better for me, rather than her, but also seems that airing out my feelings and situation here, and reading good books about the stages will help a great deal too. I have contacted a couple of therapists, but we don't have mental health coverage, so we are not getting very far.

Thanks for all the support thus far.

[Sally Kerziner]

My 8 yr old daughter is fine as long as we don't push her too far! I feel that once her school homework and tutoring are done, she should be aloud to be a kid! There are people in our life that are constantly trying to make her do more school work and learning skills . When she acts out they tell me this isn't normal behavior! I argue the comment. She has now been pushing them away and being, quite frankly rude to them. She is developing I think faster than most girls her age and hormones might be a reason for her sensitivities. As a Mom I am frustrated that other people won't take my advice and just stop questioning her on why she behaves so mean! When this behavior is only set off by over loading her with more work to do.  She answers, "I am not being mean". Is this normal behavior for her to push them away and ignore them? Sometimes she doesn't even want to say Hello to them! They only come out once a yr for a couple months, but I feel ignored and picked on as a Mother. My parenting skills are being bashed and I don't know how to tell this person nicely to back off! Well, I already have, but they continue to make comments to me that I am not handling her right! I love my girls. I don't think it is fair to compare my child with another!

[andromedajulie]

my dd just turned 9 and she is becoming unbearable to live with. frankly, she has always been difficult, and has had on and off periods in the last while. i told my sister yesterday that i loved her, but didn't like her, and didn't want to parent her anymore. (please don't flame that; i know she is my child, but it is becoming really painful). She has had a tough time, with a lot of upheaval, but I feel there is more to it than that.She has her physical today and i'm going to start talks with the dr. about it. i think she might be starting puberty, but i also think she may have had some imbalances for a while. she has been in therapy for THREE YEARS (due to divorce/remarriage) and will not talk about anything. sometimes she will talk to me a little, but says things i frankly cannot understand, such as that she really really can't control her behavior, AND she knows the consequences are miserable. i wouldn't say mine has mood swings; she seems to be unhappy with her life all the time.