How to explain special needs to neuro-typical children?

[HappyMommy2]

How can I explain to my son (in a way that elicits kindness and compassion) about special needs kids? 

He attends an integrated preschool, with all kinds of kids from our community. It is wonderful.

However, he is having problems with one boy in particular.  This boy said he has a "special brain".

My son comes home often frustrated about this kid.  He kicks and chases him at recess, even after my son asks him not to.  He calls him his "nemesis".

I told my son to tell the kid not to kick him, and if it continued, to tell the teacher.  I mentioned it to the teacher myself and she said that the kid is "his own worst enemy" and that she would keep an eye out during recess.

At a birthday party for the whole class, this boy's Mom said she hears about my son all the time, because they are such good friends.  She asks her son who he plays with, and he says my son's name.

So, how can I help my son .... learn to deal with this?  ... help the kid learn to be friends and share?  ...understand somebody on the spectrum?  ...understand others?

I hope I have not offended anyone, I am not trying to judge or hurt feelings!!  I just need to help my son navigate this situation and other kids he may meet in the future.  I need a toolkit!

thanks!!

Edited by HappyMommy2 - 3/24/11 at 3:01pm

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by HappyMommy2 

...understand somebody on the spectrum?

I wouldn't assume anything about the child's dx. You really cannot dx children by watching them and guessing, and teachers should NOT be discussing it. Many parents don't talk about it, either, unless they talking to someone they consider *safe.*  It's personal information.

Second, I would stick with dealing with the behaviors and how to deal with them, working closely with the teacher(s).  Would it be possible to have a meeting with the teacher and your son to discuss what is happening and appropriate ways for your son to respond?  Start with a "this is the current situation, how can we move forward?"

It's not a *spectrum* issue. I've got a kid on the spectrum who would never behave like that (she's very quiet) and there other other kids who have trouble with social cues or impulse control. There's no reason for your son to be target, and I'd be clear with him that he deserves to be treated appropriately, even though some kids have a harder time with that.

It's walking a fine line, on one hand, no judgment toward the other child, yet being clear that it's not acceptable for others to kick/etc.

Everyone had strengths and weaknesses, and everybody has things that they really have to work at to figure out. For some kids, how to interact with others, even those they really like, it difficult and confusing. I think that as you help you son work through this, if you can remember that inside the boy who kicks and chases him, is  a human being just trying to connect and not knowing how, it will help guide you.

Good luck. It's a tough situation.

[HappyMommy2]

Sorry!  I am really trying not to offend.  I crossed off that part. 

You are right, I do not know the diagnosis, only that his Mom must have told him he has a "special brain".

My issue is twofold.

1, this situation, although I think I am doing okay with that...I just used it as a specific example to illustrate my question.

2, how to explain special needs, in a way that is compassionate, and will sound ok when repeated to others (as kids do!)

Please be gentle... I am trying to navigate a sensitive topic, and need your help to get me there!

thanks!

[Linda on the move]

I wasn't offended, and I intended to be gentle. 

Different special needs are different. How to explain that a child is deaf compared to how to explain that a child has cognitive impairments compared to how to explain that a child has a health concerns like diabetes, for example, would all take very different explanations. The trick is that often we don't know exactly what is going on with another child who is having behavior issues. Heck, sometimes the parents and specialist can't figure it out! 

I think that just focusing on behaviors and how to do deal with them is the best bet, which is part of the reason I would enlist the teacher. The teacher has access to this child's file, and while she cannot tell you what is in it, she could give your son specific ideas for dealing with the kid based on what she knows about him and his challenges.

"everybody is different, but some people are more different" 

[Zan&Zav]

I have one neuro typical and one special needs. My typical child will tell others that his brothers brain works differantly, and that some things are hard for his brother that are easy for others. Also that some things are easier for his brother then they are for others. So far its worked good.

[sapphire_chan]

Since the other kid views your son as a friend, how about contacting his mom and asking her to help you facilitate the boys playing together comfortably.

He's her kid, I'm sure she's seen him play at a playground before, she probably will have ideas to help your ds play with her ds without anybody getting kicked.

Maybe trying a park visit together where parents can guide each child would make for a better experience for both boys than a poorly supervised school playground.

(Seriously, that kid is kicking your ds every day and your ds is running away and not looking like he's having fun and no one's stepped in yet? Good playground supervisors catch a lot of hitting before it happens, bad ones usually get mad after the fact, but it'd take a lousy one to not even notice it after it happens.)