Guilt leaving babe for 'me time' and dating.

[Zangua]

I am a single mama of a 12 month old. Her dad was around the first 9 months (physically, but not really emotionally), and then left abruptly in January. He basically left me emotionally as soon as I got pregnant, but stuck around for the baby. He has never paid a cent in child support and does not have a job, so there is not much I can ask him for.

Now that he is gone I am working full time to pay the bills, and have DD in daycare. She hates it. Cries and cries when I leave her. While I know she is safe there, I also have incredible amounts of guilt that I can't afford to either be home with her myself or get her into a childcare situation where she has more one on one attention/feels more secure.

Anyway, long story short... and I know this sounds crazy, but DD was born 6 weeks early and had this extremely sexy NICU doctor. He and I have struck up a little romance. I have managed to slip out on 2 dates with him and am SO ready for the 3rd and perhaps a little lovin (it's been over a year ladies)... but I can't get over this insane guilt. I feel like DD has been so traumatized by having her dad abruptly leave and then being put into daycare. I am gone most of the day, so I feel like I need to spend all of my off time with DD (which is basically like 2 hours between the time when I come home and she goes to bed...).

I have managed to get over my fear of being with a new lover with my post partum stretch marked body, but I can't quite get past the fear that I will be unecessarily harming my daughter just to please myself. He is basically waiting for me to say 'when' the next date will be and part of me feels like maybe it's just not realistic right now and I need to wait until DD is older and doesn't have this separation anxiety.

Maybe some of you have been through this or have words of wisdom? I'm such a mess.

[Phoenix~Mama]

I feel for you.  It's something I struggle with a lot too.  I have to work FT to pay bills/take care of my kids.  They were in a daycare setting, except after DS started, he was only there a week before he had to be hospitalized with pnemonia and RSV (he was born 2 months early).  My Mom has watched him ever since... and now I've finally been able to find a nanny I can afford and who seems really good with the kids.

But I still need "me" time.  I was only going out on weekends ex had the kids... but then he started really flaking and cancelling a lot of his time over the past three months, so once in awhile I ask my parents to watch the kids for an evening.

I feel guilty EVERY TIME!  But at the same time... I have to still be me.  I'm not just a Mom.  And I need some down time.  Especially with an absent Dad or less than stellar Dad... you need that break.  And adult interaction!  We are human. 

[sosurreal09]

What time does DD go to bed? Maybe you can just date after she's asleep? I mean if she is in bed at like 8 or 9.

As far as daycare goes, I was under the impression that a home day care was cheaper. Maybe you could look around and work something out with a local mom or something?

BTW that sounds great a NICU Dr who is sexy, I would totally go for it if I were you lol

[Halfasianmomma]

Oi, I feel your pain mama. My DD is nearly 3 and her dad hasn't been in the picture since she was 22 months old.

I live with my parents right now, so they do a lot of childcare for me (daycare drop offs and pick ups), and because they're around, they help me with DD a lot. So when I want to go out, I feel even more guilty because I think they're already doing so much what with letting me live with them, only pay for food, and caring for DD whenever I can't. Also, I've worked FT since DD was 10 months, so she spends the bulk of her day in daycare. When I get home, I do my best to spend all my time with her, playing, reading, drawing, dancing/singing. I also try to organize fun activities on the week-ends.

However, when I spend ALL my time catering to DD, I notice that I feel resentful, tired, and even snippy. When I feel that, I know it's time for some ME time. A happy mama means a happy baby.

I've been seeing someone for over a year now, and we organize our "us" time during week-ends and evenings. It means that my bf needs to be REALLY patient and understanding that my time is severely limited. We both work; I am doing grad work and he has a band. Since he's more flexible, he arranges his time around my schedule and deals with not seeing me when I am just plain exhausted.

It's hard sometimes but we've made it work. Intimacy only happens occasionally because of where I live right now, but still...it's a nice change from mommy to woman.

[LorenaAZ]

Originally Posted by sosurreal09 

What time does DD go to bed? Maybe you can just date after she's asleep? I mean if she is in bed at like 8 or 9.

Yes!!  that!     Can you find someone to stay at your place while your baby sleeps? 
 

[Zangua]

Thank you mamas. It's nice to know we are in it together, as much as it sucks. And it certainly pisses me off that my ex is dating someone, while  also not caring for his child at all, and thus I am in this predicament!

DD goes to bed around 8:30 or 9... the thing is, she mostly sttn (she is 12 months), but usually wakes up once around midnight and wants a pat on the back and then once around 5 or 6 to nurse. I imagine if she woke up around midnight and I wasn't there to pat her back she would become hysterical- she has so much anxiety suddenly about me being 'gone'. I almost feel like it would be better to leave her with someone she knows during the day so at least it would kind of be like me going to work/in her routine.

I know I need 'me' time and I do think I will have to find a time to take it... and just pray I'm not also traumatizing her toooo much.

[bananabee]

My mom's group has started a monthly wine and cheese night, and I take DD with me. I've also had a ladies night in with desserts and chick flicks. Maybe you could start up something like that and host it at your place. That way you get some "you" time and you're still home in case your DD wakes up.

Also, not to be a wet blanket, but a sexy male NICU doctor probably gets a TON of action, so you may want to be cautious with that one. It would make sense that he's patient waiting for your signal because he probably is not hurting for dates. I hope for your sake, that's not the case.

[Zangua]

Thanks Banabee... I do get some good girlfriend time in- we have 'urban family dinner night'- which sounds like your girls group, so I feel socially satisfied on that front, but romantically, not so much. 

I am pretty clear about where NICU and I stand. To be honest I don't really care if he is getting action elsewhere as long as he is present when we are together. I am not ready to jump into a new committed relationship anyway and know how to be careful when it comes to his type.... no delusions here. It's fun for what it is, I just am not sure how to go about making it happen logistically. Sigh.

[robinchap1]

Do you feel comfortable/safe having him come to your place?  Either have someone stay with DD from like 9-11pm while you go out to dinner and then have him come back wtih you and warn him that you might be interrupted?  Or just have him come over after DD is asleep and have some wine/appetizers, movie, whatever...  I have been doing this a good bit with a man I am dating right now.  He IS a single Dad (just has more time off than I do), so he totally understands and it's nice.  And I don't worry about DS.

[freqflyer]

I can say it gets easier (or did for me at least) once my son was older.  My ex has visitation 5 hours a week which is spread out over two days which isn't enough to date and three months ago I couldn't imagine when I would find time to date.  But, now that my son is almost 2.5, I don't feel like I'm missing as much.  Also, I'm a much better mom when after I get a break.  He just spent his first weekend away from me and it was wonderful for both of us.  

My son is also in daycare but I know its much better for him than trying to stay home with me while I work.  He'd never go to the park or paint or play with other kids.