First Time Away from Home visit with Biodad

[yukimama]

I am about to have a nervous breakdown.  I have been a single mom since day one, never married to biodad.  We have always lived far away and he has come for visits several times a year.  Dd, now 6, has a comfortable relationship with him.  But we are a very attached family and she has never been away from home and is afraid to be away even for 1 night.  She enjoys his company but is scared of going away and says that she is not big enough. He is now demanding that she visit him across the country for a week this summer or else we will "have a nasty legal battle". I wish he could just respect her wishes and wait until she feels like she is ready and I want to support her decision but do not have the financial resources or emotional strength for a legal fight. How can I tell if she is ready?  What do I do if she is not?  

[MariesMama]

I have no suggestions for how to tell if she is ready, though she doesn't sound ready at all, but I wanted to offer support.

He may not have thought this all the way through.  What sort of transportation does he plan to use for DD to get to him and back?  Is he going to travel to your home, take her cross country, and then bring her back at the end of the visit?  Does he plan to pay for it all himself?  Does he have a safe and comfortable place for her to stay?  Is he going to take the week off of work, if not does he have childcare lined up?  I find quite often that these things that are second nature for us to plan for can be totally foreign to those who don't parent full-time.

[MariesMama]

I wanted to add, that if he does not have this fully thought out, it would be reasonable for you to refuse or to inquire as to how he plans to make this happen.  He can't expect you to plan her trip for him.  My ex did, and I refused.

[yukimama]

He is financially well off and does not work, so cost and time off for him is not an issue. The exact logistics have not been explained.  She definitely will not fly alone.  I have not been to his current home but it is in an affluent area and should be comfortable and safe.  I did not mention before but we are not together because of alcohol issues which he denies, so I am obviously very concerned about that too.  He has never parented full time, just day visits.  Besides the alcohol, I am concerned with her emotional needs not being met if she is scared or homesick and unable to come home. One week seems like a long time for a first trip away from home, especially for a child that claims she is not ready.  Am I being overprotective?  I have no peace of mind about this scenario.  Is it unrealistic for me to think that since he has no work or family obligations, that he should continue to visit her until she is ready?  Our custody document has always allowed him overnight visits, including extensive ones, but he has never asked until now. 

[Kwan*Yin]

Well it's already in your custody agreement that he can have overnights and if this did go to court I would not be surprised if he got far more then a week in the summer with her. I understand it's his first overnight but he does visit her often. The alcohol issue would have to be proven which is really hard to do. I get how upsetting this is but some people have to send far younger children with little relationship with their biodads for much longer vacations. I had to send my then 2 year old on a 10 day trip with a father that he had never met and who had never visited him. Court ordered. I would negotiate with the ex because really a week is nothing and I would take over having a court order far longer visitation.

[One_Girl]

Is it possible that he is just in the mood for a fight?  One of the ladies I work with has an ex who does this sometimes, he will tell her he wants 50/50 and is going to take her to court for it, but she tells him that is fine and they can try it and he always backs off. 

There is a book series about a girl who has to go to Africa to see her father, I believe it is called Amazing Grace, and it talks about her feelings and her eventually going.  She gets to bring someone she knows, but is sounds like your dd already knows her father so it won't be as scary once she gets there.  I find that children's books are a great way to prepare kids for things and help them identify and work out their feelings.

Is he open to doing a few over night visits first?  If you tell him she is nervous about being away for that long and ask him to take her for a night visit then a weekend to ease her into this would he be willing to see this as you trying to ease her into a visit rather than you blocking him.  He may truly not think she has any real problem with the visit because she does well with him when he sees her during the day and he doesn't understand how different a night visit is from a day visit or how different having a child for an extended period of time is from a visit for a day here and there.   

[MariesMama]

I would suggest a few overnight visits in your area (at a hotel) first.  It is very unreasonable for him to go from no overnights at all to a week straight.  If he is so well off, can he fly her out for a weekend to start with?  Like One_Girl said, he probably does not realize that an overnight is immensely different than a daytime visit. 

[yukimama]

Well it's already in your custody agreement that he can have overnights and if this did go to court I would not be surprised if he got far more then a week in the summer with her. I understand it's his first overnight but he does visit her often. The alcohol issue would have to be proven which is really hard to do. I get how upsetting this is but some people have to send far younger children with little relationship with their biodads for much longer vacations. I had to send my then 2 year old on a 10 day trip with a father that he had never met and who had never visited him. Court ordered. I would negotiate with the ex because really a week is nothing and I would take over having a court order far longer visitation.  (Kwan Yin)

I do not want to rock the boat because I know the court can order worse. Our agreement actually allows him much longer visits as she gets older.  I know it is hard to prove the alcohol issue, so I am hoping for best behavior on his part during her visits.  It won't stop me from worrying. I understand that many children are required to spend much more time with a parent that they may not know well and I worry about those children too.  I guess I need positive feedback from moms like yourself who feel that their children are not traumatized by visits that they do not have a voice in.  Or I need to learn to deal with my personal anxiety over the inevitable visits.

Other moms out there whose children never lived with bio dad, who see these visits as positive for their children vs a source of stress for them?  Feedback from the children about the visits?

[yukimama]

Is it possible that he is just in the mood for a fight?  One of the ladies I work with has an ex who does this sometimes, he will tell her he wants 50/50 and is going to take her to court for it, but she tells him that is fine and they can try it and he always backs off. (One girl)

No, I don't think so.

Thanks for the book suggestion. Dd loves books and we often discuss feeling of characters so I think it will help her.

Is he open to doing a few over night visits first?  If you tell him she is nervous about being away for that long and ask him to take her for a night visit then a weekend to ease her into this would he be willing to see this as you trying to ease her into a visit rather than you blocking him.  He may truly not think she has any real problem with the visit because she does well with him when he sees her during the day and he doesn't understand how different a night visit is from a day visit or how different having a child for an extended period of time is from a visit for a day here and there.   

He did ask last visit for and overnight and dd got upset about it and I told him no.  He thinks I should just make her go but I've always told her I will respect her decision about when she is ready.  If I had known he was going to demand the week in the summer, perhaps I would have made her go.  It's not how I normally parent, so I feel that by forcing her, I am not being true to my mothering instincts. I am trying to teach her to listen to her inner voice and do what feels right.  Seems hypocritical to discount her feelings on this one.

I think you are right about him not differentiating between night and day visits but I don't think he can understand the difference. They have a lot of fun on their day outings, so he assumes a whole week will be the same.  She is a very sensitive child and he is not in tune to that. 

[Kwan*Yin]

It is in your daughter's best interest to not see you scared or anxious about this. When my little one had to go I made it sound like it would be so much fun and tried to build up the experience as much as I could. I did not show my fears or anxieties about it. I let my lil one know that it wasn't for very long and that I would be waiting at home for him. I was scared and my ex didn't even let me talk to my little one while he was gone which made it even worse for me but my boy came home alive and in one piece. It took a few weeks for him to settle back in at home and he did have sleep disturbances for awhile but I just dealt with it. One more visit did occur between them but not since then. I personally prefer to not "rock the boat" when it comes to court. I would totally take a weeks visitation over what a court just may order (1-2 months is fairly standard in the summer). I can't say that it was a positive experience for my son but we all have experiences in life that are positive and negative and are just a part of life that we need to deal with.

[yukimama]

Thanks Kwan Yin for your advice.  I certainly feel scared and anxious but I will try not to let dd see this.  I will remind her of the fun experiences they have had. I will look for the book you recommended and some others. At this point, I guess I just need to prepare her for the inevitable and face my own fears. I can't help feeling like I'm letting her down.  Only time will tell if I am wrong.  How do you keep yourself grounded and calm while your child is away?  

[Kwan*Yin]

I distract myself with anything and everything I can. I am not like those parents who truly enjoy the space away from their kids. My ex is not a good or safe person so I am scared to death everytime my child has had to go on a visit. I make alot of plans with other people and rearrange my whole house. Distraction is key and then the time goes by quick and once my child is home again I can breathe again. If my ex was a good man I'm sure I would totally enjoy the space and time away but it's just not the case.