How do you maintain obligations as a Single Mom?

[Phoenix~Mama]

I'm running into a brick wall with resentment. 

I've actually gained a social life since leaving ex.  I'm invited to friend gathering game nights, various birth workshops, lunches/dinners with other Mama friends.  A lot of things I turn down because it's during the week, and I had no night time sitter, as my Mom was nannying my DS during the day, then sleeping second shift through evening hours and going to work 3rd shift.

Weekend things I try to only schedule things on weekends the kids are SUPPOSED to go with their Father. 

However, over the last three months, EX has cancelled more and more time.  Around Christmas he started taking both kids Friday night to Sunday morning.  I think that happened 2 weekends total, not consecutive in his time.  He has cancelled various Fridays and then had them Saturday to Sunday morning.  Though he says when he cancels Friday, that he will be there early Saturday morning... he RARELY is.  So basically he takes them Saturday afternoon until Sunday morning.

Or, he has flat out cancelled overnights period and will just come spend the day with them Saturday.

This has caused me to cancel various things I've said I could go to.  I know most people understand... but I can't help feeling like a flake and like my life is CHAOS!!!  I feel like I can never plan anything at all because who knows if ex will cancel that weekend or not.

In our Parenting Agreement it does say whomever's parenting time it is that had to cancel, they are responsible for finding alternate care... though of course EX refuses to do that, and of course there is no real way to enforce the parenting agreement anyway, so it's sort of a useless piece of paper.

It's funny.  I spent hours on that Agreement thinking it'd help keep things consistent and give me some sense of stability in my life... HAHAHA!

So... really... what do you do?  Will my life just always be chaotic until the kids are of an age to be home on their own? I guess once they are school age and I don't have to pay daycare costs, I will have extra money for a weekend babysitter... but right now I'm tapped out on childcare resources, if my parents and EX can't do it, I'm in for the weekend.

I'm sort of afraid that I will just stop being invited places since I have to cancel so much.  I feel like a total flake that can't get my life together all the way or something.  *shrugs*

[MariesMama]

It's too bad that you can't just hire a sitter and hand him the bill.   I have been blessed with coworker's children and trusted college students as babysitters who are probably more fun than I am at times.  Have you looked outside of your family for care?  I have never been in this situation, as DD's father was never around enough for me to make plans period, so I am sorry that I can't offer any really constructive ideas .

But I would be sorely tempted to just show up at his house at the scheduled start of visitation on Friday and drop them off if he is indeed home.  I know that sounds terrible.  I just get irate over the double standard that some NCPs have, where they can behave as badly as they want but if WE were to do the same things, we would be raked over the coals and then threatened with losing custody.

[Phoenix~Mama]

Yeah... that is the funny thing, the double standard.  When ex cancles and I have plans and I mention it, he starts in right away and says, "Oh, well, I guess you are just going to have to put your children first, won't you?"

Um, really?  I put my children first everday of my life!  This was YOUR time UAV!!!  So who needs a lesson on putting the children first??

[bananabee]

Could it be that he does it on purpose because he knows or thinks you have plans and he wants to ruin them? Maybe he's preoccupied with preventing you from dating or something?

[Phoenix~Mama]

*shrugs*

He has a GF too, so I'm not really sure why he should care about my plans.

This weekend he canceled his overnight time, but came down to spend time with the kids on Saturday.  But he said he had to leave promptly at 8 and couldn't put them to bed... um, this WHOLE weekend was supposed to be his and he can't even bother putting them to bed ONE NIGHT?

*sighs*

[bananabee]

I would think that you could document all his cancellations, and as it's been so consistent, get him to pay more CS via the court. Is that possible?

[Phoenix~Mama]

C/S and visitations have nothing to do with each other, unless he gets like over a certain percentage of overnights to get his CS reduced... which he didn't have to begin with.  He only ever has had 4 overnights a month, max.  And he can't even keep up with that.

He is telling me now that he has plans to move in with his Dad and will be able to be more consistent in the future... unless he has to work... time will tell.  I'm not going to hold my breath about him ever seeing his kids like he should.

[provocativa]

I would still document every. little. thing. (likely you are).  Then maybe you can take him back to court and reduce his visitations, or gain sole physical and legal without overnights.  I know you need your time, but I can't imagine that he is a good parent when he acts like this.  I kind of remember stories of his treatment of you when you had a different user name....and then I've seen you say that he stepped up since the baby was born, and you think he does an okay job when he has them.  I rather doubt that, and think that your kids will have different reports when they are 4-6 years old and really verbal.  Anyway, that might make you a little bit at peace that they are with him less.  I don't really have a solution for you.  My ex sees the kids 2-3 hours a week.  He has supervised visits only because of his alcoholism and rage issues.  I never limited how many days he could see them, he just limited himself.  This will look great in front of the judge.  Anyway.... really what we both need is a mama with opposite interests to ours to trade babysitting.  Unfortunately I do know some mamas like that, but they all seem to have great family support.