Trying to avoid in-home playdates -- what to do? - Page 2

[LaughingHyena]

I think I've probably created part of my kids issues with sharing bikes. When DS was younger I regularly told DD she was not supposed to be riding his little ride on and he was to small to safely rider her bike. They are generally good at sharing when kids come over but bikes are defiantly not considered sharing toys.

It's rare they have their own friends round but I have mum friends and their kids round regularly. It helps me to remember that they are my friends not DSs and he may or may not want to play with them.

I also verbalise my thinking when I am clearing up before people arrive, telling him why I'm putting certain toys away (eg too small pieces for a baby, something that is easily damaged, only for one person to play with). We also talk through what would be good to get out and why (eg we have enough duplo for lots of children to build. Very slow going but I think it is helping.

I like the suggestions of bubbles. Along with red light green light my kids like touch blue, I call touch blue/green/wood/something soft or whatever I can think of and they have to find something that matches the description. Best of all I can sit down with a cup of tea and still call things out

[GoBecGo]

We do a mix of the things stated on this thread.

Ahead of time DD is allowed to choose her special non-sharing toys and we put them away - she is NOT allowed to play with them in front of friends and expect those friends to not want a shot at playing with them, but she IS allowed to say "ok, i don't want anyone playing with them, so i'll put them away".  She's 5 on Friday, if she were 7 i would perhaps expect other kids her age to "get" that she has special toys she doesn't want them to touch, but at 3 and 4 with friends a year or two younger sometimes it's not worth the hassle - a just-turned-2yo isn't going to be able to watch her playing with her special lovie and accept they can't touch it without tears, and the tears aren't worth it, to me.

During the play date if any toy gets fought over it is removed.  I give a warning "if you cannot take turns i will put it away" - we have a little friend with ASD and he especially finds it hard to share so this is what we (his mum and I) have found to be most effective on that front.

When there are 3 kids and 3 bokes/ride-ons and one of those are in real demand and there is a bit of fighting we sometimes play "mad hatters" which is where an adult (yessss, sat down with a cup of tea) calls out "change places!" in a funny voice and the kids all have to scramble off their bike and onto a different one.  This works with activities too (i.e. if one is painting, one is playing ball and one is skipping but they ALL want to paint and there isn't space).

Ultimately if you're the only adult there then you're in charge.  It is ok to enforce things.  In the situation you described (over the bike) i would have first tried "change places", then i would have engaged DS and his friend in a really super-fun activity that would be more fun than sitting on a bike to "guard it" and if that hadn't provided enough distraction to stem the fear of sharing it then i would have simply put it away.

[dmpmercury]

That is a hard age for sharing and sounds like a very typical playgroup scenario for those ages. I usually let the kid who was playing with a toy keep it until they are done even if it means the child who wants whatever toy the other kid has throws a fit. If that child is playing with something though I help them keep it and don't make them give it up. It takes a long time for them to get it but I don't stop having play dates because of age appropriate behavior. The other little boy will learn to share and they both will learn from the experience it just takes a while. In the situation over the bike when your son was using it I would let him use it even if the other boy was throwing a fit. When your son is done then the other boy can use the bike. Usually the non sharing child rejects all offers of distraction ans sulks until it is his turn where he uses it briefly and then is on to the next thing.

[two raising two]

i recently read a book titled siblings without rivalry. i realize you are dealing with these issues between your friend's child and your own, but i think the book offers practical and insightful advice to dealing with children who are not getting along. one thing i have found to be helpful with my own children and with their playmates is simply stating the issue of contention in a matter of fact manner. for example, if both children want to ride the same bike, you would say (to one child directly while looking directly at him/her), ' i see you want to ride the bike but (other child) is using it'. then you say to the other child, 'you are using the bike and (other child) would like to use it'. then, you offer solutions (but do not force them) and end with ' i know you can work out something that is fair'. i have a child who just turned 3 and her playmate who is barely 4 who this simple stating of the situation has worked out well for. it may sound a little hokey but try it.