Anyone else have single friends that dropped off the face of the earth once you had a baby?

[mra]

Quite a few of my single friends have seemed to drop off the face of the earth after I had Julia. They sent gifts and cards and then...nothing. No phone calls to see how we are doing, no offers to help. Not that I need help, but it would let me know that they are thinking of us, me being a new mom and all. I'm in my 30's and so are most of my friends, some older. Is this pretty common or is it just me? ; ) Most of them are people I spent a great deal of time with. I asked one friend to come meet Julia but she was sick, so I told her to let me know when she felt better so she could meet her. Nothing. Eventually I emailed her to ask why I hadn't heard from her and she seemed to think that I must be too busy with the baby...but it seems like common courtesy to check in on a new mom. Not to mention I thought she was going to call me when she felt better. Oh well. I'm not going to chase after people. 

On the bright side, I'm making new friends that are also moms, so that is nice!

[mom2happy]

Yes! All of them that didn't have children.

It slowly happened after my first baby. They were not interested in leaky boobs or onesie talk and I wasn't interested in who said what about who's boyfriend or any of the care free drama that was fun when I was a teen or in my 20's.

We kept in touch with a few friends who had kids and have new friends we met locally.

[greenmulberry]

Many people without kids don't realize how much work it is, how much help you need, and how lonely it can be.

I was one of those people. When a friend had a baby, which was very rare in my circle of friends, I just thought, "Oh, I am sure she is so busy and wrapped up with her kid, she will call me when she wants to do something." It never occured to me she might need help or want to chat.

I was never around babies, until having my own, I had no idea what a new mom needs as far as help or company. After having my baby I actually apologized to one of my friends who had babies before me because I basically "stepped back" for a while when her baby was born, thinking I was being polite not to bother her.

Boy do I know better now!

[Adaline'sMama]

I have two really good friends that pretty much stopped  hanging out with me after Ada was born. However, most of my single friends dropped away the moment I got pregnant. DH and I have found that we actually only have 2 single friends anymore, so it is def. the couples club. I dont know why, but it wont let me stop typing in itallic, sorry.

One of my friends recently even was offended when I told her that I didnt want to eat at the restaurant that she suggested because they didnt have high chairs. She was like, "Cant you just hold her?" Umm..no. I miss you and I want to hang out, but I dont love you enough to try and hold a one year old on my lap and eat at the same time, sorry.

[1stTimeMama4-4-10]

This happened to me when I was the single friend - my friends that used to have time to get together and hang out had babies 5 years before I did, and we just didn't have much in common.  I also didn't know anything about babies, so it was definitely out of my comfort zone to try to interact with a baby.  I invited my friends to do things a few times, they always bowed out, and we sort of drifted apart. It wasn't malicious, just sort of the natural progression of things I think.  We are now getting back in touch with some of those people. 

[Knitting Mama]

Yep, every one of them, in spite of me making efforts to keep in contact.

[ssh]

Our single friends who have stuck around are all very old friends of my DH's, one of which he's known since kindergarten.  All my friends disappeared within several months. So we hang out with my DH's work friends and his really old friends who are family friends now. I'm kinda weird and geeky so I haven't formed any close mom friendships yet. I'm comfortable talking during playdates or being parent helpers at preschool with them, but don't have enough in common for a real friendship. I've met a few really cool moms through an AP group but their kids are much older than my DD.

[SilverFish]

actually, we have been really lucky. my two best friends have stayed in touch although they live further away so visits are infrequent. my best friend has actually been here a number of times despite working full time and living 7 hours away... she even visited within a month or two of my dd being born. however, her sister had already had two kids and so she is quite practiced at being an aunt and knows how to interact with us and our daughter. we are close enough to talk about this stuff though, so she knows that i was having a hard time with the transition at first... we also have similar communication styles, so nobody takes offense at not getting regular emails or phone calls.

my other friends are a bit hit or miss, but with most, we honestly weren't super close anyway so it's not a huge deal, and actually most have made at least some effort to meet up with us at some point this year. the two who have been the worst offenders have had some crazy stuff going on in their lives this year anyway (divorce etc) so we understand where they're coming from.

really, people have been pretty great, but we also have made a huge effort to be flexible and "normal." we go out to eat later than we would normally, drive out to visit, change nap times, etc. it's really hard for childless people to really get how big a transition it is to have an infant, so we kind of err on the side of putting up with a bit of inconvenience in order to make the visits happen.

although, i did kind of get into a fight with a not so close university friend when she wanted me to come downtown by myself kind of late at night to hang out with her while her boyfriend was seeing a show. i was like "um, i have a baby? can't just drop everything and run downtown cause you want someone to keep you entertained!" i just thought it was really thoughtless of her to not even try to understand why that might be difficult thing for me to do.

i think basically, the important people in my life are worth dealing with an overtired or cranky baby once in while (or even holding my baby on my lap in a highchair-less restaurant!). the people who are super casual friends, like my university friend, aren't worth that inconvenience, so if they aren't willing to make an effort to make my life easier, i can't be bothered.

[Disco Infiltrator]

I think people who don't have kids just don't get what an impact becoming a parent is on your life and how much it changes you and your focus on things.  It's transformative and it's impossible to explain to someone who doesn't have kids themselves.  Our best friend, who was not single, drifted away after DS was born.  She just wasn't interested.  Now she's back because she had a baby of her own and we have more things in common again.  Friendships ebb and flow, and sometimes people stick around through that and sometimes they don't.  We have a lot of great mama friends who are now in our lives, and even that took some time. 

I tell you, I'm really grateful for people who don't have kids and do stick around.  Our kids' donor is really great about accomodating us despite him and his BF living a very active kid-free life.  It's awesome.     

[lifeguard]

I was the childless friend for a loooong time. It was really hard to gauge when to call. Whenever I did call it seemed it was a bad time & suddenly all the things we used to do together didn't work. To complicate things we were struggling with infertility & it became painful to be around the babies all the time & sit through conversations I had nothing to contribute to. Plus I found when I did contribute I often got the "you don't know what you're talking about 'cause you don't have kids" attitude. It made it hard.

Just as another perspective...

[Ginger Bean]

Due to infertility/health issues, my husband and I were the last in the our circle to have a baby (we're practically geriatric). But we spent years playing with our friends' babies, buying presents, visiting, hosting, letting their toddlers tear up our house, going out to restaurants with them and everywhere else.

I guess I don't understand, really. :(

[JulieInChicago]

I'm glad you brought it up.  This has been breaking my heart lately.  I was the first among my friends (and still am the only) to have a baby and it seems like I'm just not part of the group any more.  I see friends post on facebook about xyz get-together or some nice brunch and I wasn't even invited!  I can't tell if it's because they know I'd bring our 6 month old (and they don't want a baby around) or if it's because they think I don't have time.  Either way, I feel like I don't have any friends anymore.  I'm trying to meet other moms but it's hard since I work and most mommy groups are for WAHM's.  I feel like someone just hit reset on my friends, though, and it's hard to deal with on top of the sleep depravation and the baby blues...sigh.

[momma22boys]

I've been on both sides of this. Both are long stories...but I am not close with either friend anymore. I have worked through and developed a relationship with the friend that I snubbed after she had kids but I don't foresee working through anything with the friend that walked away from me. We were long time friends and really close, then I got married to my high school sweet heart and got pregnant after college and she decide that I wasn't giving her enough time. She wrote me a nasty letter about what a terrible friend I was and how if my husband ever left me I would have no friends and we have not spoke since. I don't have anything to say to her.

Being a new mom is so hard and unless your friends have some understanding of what a baby takes and how difficult it can be; friends can be really flaky if they don't understand any of this. NO ONE knows how life changing a baby REALLY is until they do it. I have found it is best to stick with a few very close, like-minded mommas that I have been friends with for awhile. The only problem is that I live in Illinois and one just moved to Colorado and the other lives in Indiana, so it is really hard to just hang out and have some us time.....but it's better than having no friends!

Anyway now I'm rambling about me.....Sorry. It sounds like your baby is still small, you will find mommas to hang with, just try to make yourself visible. Find out if the library has a program for babies or maybe the local schools, that is how I have been finding moms and getting my socialization too since we moved. Hang in there it is hard to lose touch with friends.

[mra]

I have found it is best to stick with a few very close, like-minded mommas that I have been friends with for awhile. The only problem is that I live in Illinois and one just moved to Colorado and the other lives in Indiana, so it is really hard to just hang out and have some us time.....but it's better than having no friends!

I hear that! Two of my greatest friends had babies around the same time I did (we were all due within weeks of each other). We are all friends from when they were both here in Tucson. They are military, so move every few years. We keep in contact online though and it's great to be able to at least go online and chat with them about our babes.

[arismama]

Yes!!  Nearly every one of my single friends have all but disappeared...with the exception of my best friend.  They made quite the effort at first, but are gradually dropping off.  This was rough for me at first (I have a 7-month old) but I have found that some of my relationships with mama friends have become much deeper, and I have also gained new mama friends, which is wonderful!  It seems to me that life is like that...for every phase of life, some friends stay, new ones come and others go.  

[LeaPea]

Yep!! I think they have a hard time relating to me now since my world revolves around my 9 month old daughter right now. They want to talk about movies, books, the club life, who they are dating, etc. I want to talk about my daughter, what she is doing, what her poop looks like , etc. I think we are just in different worlds right now, and eventually we will come back together. I definitely feel isolated though. I am the first of my friends to have a baby, so I pretty much have to make all new friends. I am working on it, but sometimes it is difficult to find mom friends.