Can we talk about being "touched out" please?

[AFWife]

Because I'm SO there and it's hard to get DH to truly understand.

Before kids I was a touchy-feely person. DH and I were always in contact when we were together (even just feet touching under the table) and I never hesitated to put my arm around an upset friend or hug someone goodbye. After kids...I don't touch people anymore. (Except my kids but I'll get into that in a min) DH has to REMIND ME to touch him (Physical Touch happens to be his Love Language...) and I feel terrible about that. Our sex life is suffering and has been for a couple of years now. Like, once a week and I feel like I've accomplished something huge!

I've tried to explain it to him and he doesn't understand. He just can't because he's not the one being touching all.day.long. Sometimes I want to crawl out of my own skin because I'm just so tired of it. Usually I can get a 20min shower at night but the past few nights that hasn't been possible.

I have no problem touching my kids. When my toddler walks by I don't hesitate to ruffle his hair or stop him for a hug. However, DH can be home from work for HOURS before he'll go "I didn't get a hug" and I go "Oh, you didn't?? Crap. It didn't even cross my mind..." He's been as understanding as he can be...but we've been known to go months without any sexual contact at all and that's a huge strain on him.

I know there isn't really much advice you can give...commiseration would be nice.

[rightkindofme]

Uhm, your oldest isn't 2 yet and you have a newborn.  I didn't start getting over the touched out feeling with my first till she was ~18 months and then I got pregnant and we headed back to square one.  I'm trying harder this time (because I abstractly want to be a touchy-feely person again even though I still feel icked by actual touch) to move through this period quickly for my husband's sake.  I am trying to be super transparent about how I'm feeling minute by minute as he and I are touching so we can kind of relearn how to touch each other because it isn't working the same anymore.  Not for any kind of touch. 

And I'm holding more boundaries with my kids.  I really do have a limit on how much touch I can handle in a day before I experience major anxiety attacks because I am so physically overloaded.  That means I've told my husband that if he wants more from me we need to find a better balance with the kids.  We are just barely starting this and I hope it's going to work out. 

Basically I hit the same place as you and said, "Something has to change because I am really unhappy" so we are flailing about trying to change things.  We know we are going to make mistakes and have fights as we go through trying things but I have to believe there is a way to make us both happy at the same time.

[Llyra]

I struggle with this SO MUCH. I am not a touchy person to start with, and DH totally is. I think he's probably like what you're describing your DH as-- that love language thing. Anyway, I had three kids in three years, and it was rough for a long, long time. DH and I would go days and days without me ever laying a hand on him, even the most casual touch, because the idea of one more person touching me was just more than I could handle. And sex-- once a week would have been riches and abundance, in the years when I had three toddlers. I'm to say it on a public forum, but I will-- we maybe managed about six or eight times a YEAR, the first two years after the twins came, and considered it a lot.

FWIW-- it got a lot easier as the kids got out of the toddler years, and spent less time on my body. The youngest are four now, and they go hours without wanting to be held or touched, and I'm just now starting to WANT to be touched again. The main problem is that DH and I have developed some less-than-ideal habits about how we live together, and we're kind of having to relearn how to be more physically close again. But we're getting there, and it helps that he's been very patient and clear about his own needs-- no mind games, no brooding in silence, nothing like that. That makes a big difference-- being able to talk frankly about it. He doesn't understand-- he never has-- but at least it's not something we're both carrying around hidden resentment about.