My strange, messed up situation...

[rainbow_mandala]

Okay, where do I begin?  I recently gave birth to a beautiful baby girl whose father is not in the picture but would like to be.  I also would very much like him to be in the picture, too, but we're living in different states right now which is difficult for either of us to change.  On top of that, I'm currently living with my son's father who I have a platonic relationship with...we moved in together a few months ago because it seemed like a good thing to do.  We both wanted to be as close as possible to our son, and now that he and I are friends, it has felt like a healthy situation.  That is simply the surface, though, as I've been realizing more and more as time has passed.  It basically feels like we're two people sharing custody of our son under the same roof...nowhere close to what anyone would consider a "family".  I knew it wouldn't be that wonderful, but I was at least hoping for more of a connected feel.  With my daughter now being in the picture, it's adding an extra layer of disconnection.  He holds her sometimes and helps out around the house, but he certainly doesn't feel like her father nor does he truly want to be.  He's great with our son, but lately it's been seeming like this situation is doing more harm than good for DS.  There is clearly a divide that seems to only be getting wider as time goes on.  His parents are very different people and we have no interest in one another, so why are we trying to live like a family?  It's confusing and it seems to be confusing my son as well.  I'm realizing how much I'd like to be with DD's dad for various reasons, but not sure how to go about it.  I might be able to pull off moving closer to him, but DS's dad says he's not moving.  Is this something I should battle with him over and possibly make things harder for our son?  I love my DD's father and he loves me as well...we both were going through a really difficult time when she was conceived, but now it feels like we could actually make things work and be happy.  At this point, I don't want to live with DS's dad at all, but scared to let him go, too, because he's so great with our son.  Has this confused anyone?  It certainly has confused me...

[Kwan*Yin]

From what you have said I would not move to be with your babe's father. Your son has an excellent father in his life who is extremely involved and made the sacrifice of living with you and your baby as well. I would not take that away from your son. Your baby's dad hasn't been involved from the start and if he is now wanting to be involved then he knows where you are. And if he wants to re-establish a relationship with you as well then he knows where you are. If he is serious then he will make the effort. But taking your son away from his father who clearly is very involved in his life just to see if things could work with a man that you already broke up with once is not worth the risk.

[Kwan*Yin]

If anything just get your own place but in the same area where you are now.

[MamitaM]

I remember you posting this before when you were still pregnant with your baby girl. Has her father shown any signs of being a good father since then? It doesn't sound like he's interested in moving any closer to be with you. I don't think it would be fair to YOU if he expected you to move to where he is and it also wouldn't be fair to your son or your X. He should understand why you can't move to be with him. I think getting a place of your own is a good idea and hopefully it's close to where your X lives so he can still spend time with your son.

[AttunedMama]

Hi Mama. Maybe I'm strange too, or maybe you just gave birth and feel overwhelmed, but the situation sounds fairly straightforward from over here.

Can BD2 come for a conference? What about renting a large home together for a sixth month lease...something with several bedrooms, a large kitchen, at least 2 full bathrooms....You can have all the daddies near their babies, indicating to each of them that you value them as fathers. This could be the best arrangement possible if everyone is really upfront with their different feelings and needs. The key would be your own space and respect all around...Like a large bedroom with master bath for you and your children to sleep in. Or, what about two halves of a double? You could try it for a short time, with oodles of conversations about chore/money roles and boundaries first.

Is BD2 wanting to show his a** and come to you, or is he having maturity/have cake and eat it too issues? I had a boyfriend recently who loved to say stuff to me like 'Let's make some babies'. This kind of play is not my idea of a good time and was becoming annoying, and finally I said 'Meet me at the title company to add me to the deed of your house, that's Step One of the "Have Babies" agreement.' He called me a capitalist. I stopped talking to him. Point of story is, make sure you know poo from shinola. I say don't disrupt your son's life over some new BD's talking. I know it's a special kind of crazy to have two kids at all, and with different daddies it can be a really big effort to get them all what they need. I would say your son needs his daddy NOW way more than your new baby needs hers.

You don't have to be in love with your BD1 to share a residence with him, especially if you can get more roommates to get a really big house and keep the energy of the place flowing. I'd rather live in a giant co-house with a baby daddy than in a nuclear family home with one.

Take it easy. It's not the biggest deal to relocate for this new dude...assuming he is a US citizen and has no other children?

[rainbow_mandala]

Thanks for all the advice...on the surface it seems like the best thing would be for him to come here, but it's actually easier for us to move there.  I've been moving a lot the last few years, though (which means DS and his dad have been moving as well) so it makes me hesitant to do that to them again.  Moving into a big house might be a possibility...again, I'm hesitant, this time because I'm a co-owner for the house we're in now (it's small but it's in Santa Cruz and family-owned, so it's not the easiest place to leave).  But I'm not happy with the way the living situation is now and if mama ain't happy ain't nobody happy, as they say   *Sigh*  He keeps pressuring me to move back there and I keep pressuring him to move here...it's a no-win situation.