Last summer, when I was very largely pregnant and having some pregnancy issues... my husband was on duty (24 hours on base, cant come home) and my mom called me to ask if I knew a guy named "Justus Bartelt"
Yes... I knew him... In school our names were right next to each other so any time was had classes we would be sat next to each other and always had lockers by each other. He didn't like me much but when you spend years so close to someone you form sort of an odd bond. Especially when you graduate from a class of less than 45 kids.
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He was a Marine... as is my husband... and he was stationed here at Camp LeJeune where my husband is... but he was overseas in Afghanistan and he... well he died a hero. As he should have. He was born July 4th... I don't know why I still remember that to this day. I think it was 8th grade when we had to do some "getting to know you" thing that I learned that but I always remembered it. It's a cool birthday. Especially for someone whose name sounds like "Justice"
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And I wasn't allowed to mourn him at that time. I was so pregnant and dealing with blood pressure problems and I needed to keep my stress down. So I pushed it back to the back of my head. I wasn't able to get home for his memorial so I had to try to not dwell on it.
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Then, earlier this month the earthquake and tsunami struck Japan, where my husband is deployed. But at the time, I had no clue where he was or if he was okay and if he was okay if he was going to stay okay... so I watched the news coverage with this terrible feeling in my gut and a mixture of fear for my husbands safety and immense grief for every single person involved. Even after my husband turned out okay that feeling has stayed because I knew what so many people felt like when wondering whether or not their family members survived... and so many still wonder.
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And then last week, my kitty got out. My cats are inside cats, they don't go outside. I remember he got out but the baby was crying and I had to lay her down for a nap so I told him I would be back to get him soon.
But before I got back, he got into my neighbors back yard and their rottweiler got him... I heard his screams and ran outside to see him laying on the ground and the neighbor holding his dog while his brother in law wrestled the other two dogs into the house... I grabbed Fella and held him as he passed away and screamed his name and wished I could go back 20 minutes to when he got outside and bring him in right away... wished I had let the baby cry for a few minutes while I chased him through the bushes to get him back inside... it's my fault my little buddy is gone and it is tearing me up inside. Our older kitty misses him too, I can tell... the first day she walked around the house howling, very out of character for my usually silent puss.
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And just last night I was Googling "USMC love" on cafe press (as my husband is now deployed and I wanted to find something for his homecoming) and came across a pack of stickers in memory of Justus... and now I just feel like i'm being torn up inside between the haunting visions of my poor Fella passing away in my arms and the memories of learning of Justus' passing and the fear of the same thing happening to my husband.Â
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I feel sick and guilty and just want to move on and stop flashing back to that horrible incident. I know it was only a week ago but I am alone right now, just me with my three children, I need to be strong for them and its very hard!
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My kids want a new kitty, they say Fella will help us pick out the new kitty... but I just can't handle the thought of another one getting out and getting into that yard with those dogs. (they also have a pitbull and one other dog that were trying to get Fella, it was just the Rott that got to him first)
