childs last name change

[elissa06]

I have a question.  When I was pregnate my daughters dad would call me bunches of bad names say the baby isnt his he did that the whole pregnacy.  When i had her the next day i filled out the birth certifacate,  i was considering putting his last name for her last name but i thought about all the things he had said and decided to put her last name as mine.  I also put my name as the mother and his as the father because the nurse told me that i had to so i put his name down on the paper.   He got their later an i told him that he needed to sign the paper he looked at it knew what her first and last name was and signed it never saying anything to me about her last name.  I was awarded Sole Custody and sole decission making responsibility a few months later because he got a domestic violence charge and he had supervised visits.   well his track record was not good put it this way last year he had 110 available visits and showed for 44 of them.  Well our daughter is now 4 and will be 5 next month he took me to court we went to mediation i was thinking well she is 4 i can work with him.  so i took a chance and agreed to his unsupervised visitation.  well sence then she has had accidents now she is holding her BM i had to put her on miralax per dr order and also she has a mild case of asthma she takes a inhalor 2 times a day. he brings her home pooped and peed constantly.  i just found out he has not given her medication to her he knows about these meds ive talked to him about this and how important it is.  i told him about not giving the meds to her and he said like he didnt care yeah i havent gave them to her and walked off,  but i feel he is using her to get to me i dont feel that he wants her because he is a loving father and wants time with his child.  well now he is taking me to court to change her last name to his after 4 years how come he didnt contest it when she was born or when he established that he was the father when she was a month and a half old why is he doing it now. she knows her name and i dont feel that it would benifit eather one of them to change the last name because she is not a boy and most likely will get married and change her name anyway i think she was given that name and if she wants to change it when she is a bit older that should be her choice.  i think it would cause confusion for her. what do you think i need advice

[singin'intherain]

He doesn't stand much of a chance on having her name changed. After all of these years? Please.

If you have sole custody and sole decision making, stop the unsupervised visits. Write him a letter that lists your reasons, and keep a copy. Offer a generous and flexible supervised visit plan, and offer to negotiate the details if they don't work for him. Give him the conditions under which you will allow your dd to visit him unsupervised again. Him not giving her medication will most likely look like a very valid reason in court. Especially if you document the times when he didn't give them to her, and the conversations where he point blank refused to do it.

[elissa06]

We went to court on Jan 20th this year and i didnt agree with most of the stuff he suggested my lawyer told me to agree because it would look like im being difficult so i took my attorneys advise hoping i was doing the right thing.  But it back fired on me he is seeking control and he is using  our daughter to do so.  our daughter was having problems going to the bathroom i was thinking what is going on she was doing so good, well she finally went so i was getting her back pack ready for the next day and i found 5 bags of miralax that he did not give her i text him no reply the next morning i told him and he said yeah i havent been giving it to her and walked off i then called him later to talk to him about it and ive told him several times that it is important to give it to her.  this is something he has know about for awhile.  well that following sunday i had to take her to er because she was still having problem they gave he meds and told me what to do the next day he called asked me if i took her to er i said yes and i told you i was i was upset kinda chewed his butt and then said you werent giving her miralax you probably werent giving her her inhalor eather.  he told me no i wasnt i flipped my lid.  then i was remembering that 3 wks prior i took her to the dr bc of coughing and weezing they told me that she was having complications from her asthma i was thinking that maybe it was just allergys.  now that i know he wasnt giving her inhalor that is pry why she got sick.  i told my lawyer about this issue and other issues and he said well you can file a complaint with DHS but they got better things to deal with.  and a judge wont take his visits he will just order him to give her medication.  I think im screwed  

[elissa06]

We went to court on Jan 20th this year and i didnt agree with most of the stuff he suggested my lawyer told me to agree because it would look like im being difficult so i took my attorneys advise hoping i was doing the right thing.  But it back fired on me he is seeking control and he is using  our daughter to do so.  our daughter was having problems going to the bathroom i was thinking what is going on she was doing so good, well she finally went so i was getting her back pack ready for the next day and i found 5 bags of miralax that he did not give her i text him no reply the next morning i told him and he said yeah i havent been giving it to her and walked off i then called him later to talk to him about it and ive told him several times that it is important to give it to her.  this is something he has know about for awhile.  well that following sunday i had to take her to er because she was still having problem they gave he meds and told me what to do the next day he called asked me if i took her to er i said yes and i told you i was i was upset kinda chewed his butt and then said you werent giving her miralax you probably werent giving her her inhalor eather.  he told me no i wasnt i flipped my lid.  then i was remembering that 3 wks prior i took her to the dr bc of coughing and weezing they told me that she was having complications from her asthma i was thinking that maybe it was just allergys.  now that i know he wasnt giving her inhalor that is pry why she got sick.  i told my lawyer about this issue and other issues and he said well you can file a complaint with DHS but they got better things to deal with.  and a judge wont take his visits he will just order him to give her medication.  I think im screwed   

[homewithtwinsmama]

I disagree.  I think you might have a really bad lawyer.  I would ask for some recs from the your mother.com tribe area and consult another.  Asthma can KILL (I know because a dear friend of mine died leaving her four young children including a 5 month old baby last July) and not taking meds and you not knowing what was and was not given is NOT okay. Its endangering her life.  If you feel you need to you can go for an emergency court order to prevent all visitation until this can go before a judge.  Folks have gotten emergency orders for far less...

[singin'intherain]

.I agree. You have a bad lawyer. Don't let him discourage you from taking steps to get this issue in front of a judge, DHS, whoever will listen and keep a record of your concerns. Even if nothing momentous happens from any one action, your paper trail will show that you have tried to ensure dd's safety while cooperating with your ex for his continued unsupervised visitation. Also, you should document your conversations and observations- just write what happened, what was said, what you observed about your dd, if anyone else was there, and the date and time. All of this, along with the dr visits and er visit, will help you to get supervised visitation, if this situation doesn't improve.

[elissa06]

thank you,  I dont really feel my lawyer is looking out for the best intrest of my child.  I did report the medication issue to DHS and they were supposed to talk to him about it im not sure if they did or not he hasnt said anything except he is being a real jerk to me right now.  As far as the name change my lawyer told me they will pry add his after mine.  I dont really want the name change and i dont agree with just because he is her dad he has rights to her last name.  I dont have anything against it at all if the father is going to be there through out the pregnancy and as the child grows.  I had to deal with a lot i was her dad and mom for 5 years ive been through think and thin with her.  he was a when its convienent for him dad while he was getting supervised visits.  now he still isnt better i do take her to him now every day but he already jacked up i wanted to stop his visits because to me with him bringing her home messed in her pants and not giving her medication, always late i dont think he is taking her serious.  i dont think she is a joke and ive told him that but my lawyer said if i stop letting him from seeing her i can go to jail and lose custody and i dont want that eather who knows how she will end up if that happens

[elissa06]

I asked my lawyer if i can do something about his visits because he is showing that he is not being a responsible parent.  he said no that the judge will just order him to give her meds.  I said well ok at least he has a order to do so and te lawyer said they have better things to deal with then this.  So then i reported it to DHS nothing was done about it as far as i know.  im trying to figure out what else i can do because he is gambling with my daughters health its serious.  I was mad when i found out he wasnt giving her her miralax but when i heard he wasnt giving her inhalor i flipped my lid.  I was hott mad and he asked me if this was going to be a court matter and i said i dont know but i am going to report it.  all he said well what if i give you my income tax next year i was hott.  he was trying to buy me.  what to do and how to do it

[Mama Soltera]

I am very sorry to hear about all of this. I think you are right on in your assessment of the situation. This is not a person who is capable of being a parent and it's not good for your dd to be around at all. Carefully document all the bad things that have happened (just the facts) regarding unsupervised visits and discontinue them. I guess it depends on the state but generally you will have to go back to court and probably mediation to have his visitation arrangement legally changed. I also agree, you're probably better off without your lawyer.  

[Mama Soltera]

Oh, and there isn't a chance they will change her last name to his. He doesn't have a case at all.

[Goodmom2008]

You need a new attorney.  And you needed one yesterday.  You have a horrible attorney who really doesn't know diddly about family law.  While you are consulting with a new attorney, journal everything your ex does.  And all of the times that your child has to go to the hospital after a visit with him and how much medicine you pack and how much is returned (don't let your ex know this as he will just not return the medicine and claim he gave it to the child).

And do not communicate with your ex verbally (over the phone counts as verbal) as verbal is just a he said she said scenario.  You want to be able to prove that you have told him about your child's medical needs.  Sending letters, including one signed off by your child's pediatrician giving detailed instructions on what medicine to give, how to give it and when to give it, certified return receipt requested proves that you gave him the info.  You will also want to stuff the envelope in front of the postal worker (some ex's have claimed that the certified letter contained nothing), take pictures (be sure the picture has the date and time) of the contents and take pictures of the post office stamp on it.  He will either refuse it (which will help your case tremendously) or sign for it.  Maybe if he reads it from the pediatrician, he will start taking her medication seriously.  If not, you have proof that he knows about it and is neglecting your child's life threatening medical needs (and you do want to point this out in any court action you file as asthma can be life threatening if not properly treated). 

If he calls, let it go to voicemail (do not delete that voicemail, especially if he states that he doesn't care what the doctor says, he will not give the medicine).  And when you respond, do it via e-mail or a certified letter if you don't have his e-mail address.

And be prepared to get a second opinion about your daughter's condition as your ex may request it stating that the condition is bogus.  It's a lot harder to argue against more than one expert opinion. 

Give him the rope to hang himself.  But in order to do that, you need an attorney who will fight for your child.