My 3 and a half year old is still OBSESSED with nursing!

[moonSnail]

I have a feisty, impulsive, intensely imaginative, often needy, and very sensitive little boy who has been nursed on demand from the time he was born.  He has never had a bottle.  Every step of reducing nursing along the way has been met with fierce opposition... and I mean even tiny steps.  He hated food... didn't really take to any solids until almost a year.  He was an avid all night nurser and finally getting him to stop night nursing, at the ripe age of 2 1/2 was no easy task.  It had to be done, because no one was sleeping.... but using even the most gentle and gradual of methods proved to be miserable.  He awoke and asked for milk a full six months after we had night weaned.  He's now down to nursing for his nap and nursing to sleep at night and isn't necessarily happy with this.  He asks for milk often, especially in the morning, refusing food or anything else to drink.  Now, he doesn't want really anything to do with his dad, especially when he's tired and wanting to nurse to sleep, often saying he hates his dad and only loves his mom when he feels like there is a chance he might get milk.  It's breaking dad's heart. 

I am extremely torn....  I have tried to do everything as natural as possible and had fully envisioned a child led weaning relationship.  The reality, though, is that my son would give up all food and most activity in order to nurse.  I have tried to only place boundaries on his nursing when they were truly reasonable... (Mama has to eat, the grocery store is not the place, Mama has to get more than 2 hours of sleep so I cannot nurse you for 6 hours straight, etc.) and no boundary has been set that has not caused a reaction that makes me feel like I am traumatizing him!  Outside of these events, it doesn't seem to be affecting him... he's as lovey and cuddly as ever, it's just the intensity of this obsession is wearing on the family as a whole.

The dilemma is this... I KNOW he is and intense little boy.  He is prone to outbursts and tantrums.  He is also very intelligent and knows how to be manipulative..  Part of me feels like, even though I don't give in when I set a reasonable boundary, in the big picture he's got my number and by continuing to nurse him at all I am encouraging these tantrums and mistreatment of dad.  My milk is also starting to dry up and he can't nurse as long as he wants when he does nurse, adding to the frustration.  Maybe it is the time to wean and he needs my help to just disengage and move on. This would be the plan dad is in favor of....

The other (BIG) part of me feels like he would not be fighting so hard to keep nursing if he didn't need it.  Maybe if I were to add a few nursings back in then it would stop the obsession and alleviate some of the tension.

I was wondering if any other mamas out there had experienced something similar with their breastfeeding older child?  Did anything help??  I'm sad because I don't want nursing to go out this way.  We've had, for the most part until recently, a good nursing relationship and I don't want it to end in a mess.  I also don't want to take something away from him that he needs... I have a good feeling I just can't see the forest for the trees here and I just don't know what to do!

[julie128]

I don't think I have had quite the experience that you are having with my 3 year old, but he definitely wanted to keep bf, and I was really wanting to be done already.  For me, getting enough sleep was the biggest issue, so that's where I started.  I absolutely, positively refused to bf between 11pm and 5:30am.  It took many nights with even less sleep before he would accept my decision.  The next step was to stop nursing to sleep at night (I was still doing it for naps.).  There was much less crying than I had anticipated, but by the 4th night, he was falling asleep w/in a few minutes.  I also started making smoothies for him every day: full fat plain yogurt, coconut, fruit such as strawberries or mango, and sometimes a scoop of peanut butter, and some type of milk, cow, goat, soy.  The next step was to start refusing during the daytime.  This has been taking a long time, as I thought it would.  It's been well over 6 months since I began the whole process, but he is almost completely weaned by now.  Remember than bf is not just about the milk, it's also about the snuggling and cuddling and loving, so don't cut those back.  Good luck. 

I wonder if there is something going on in addition to the bf obsession? 

[moonSnail]

It seems like we are snuggling and playing all day most days! :)  He's very affectionate and gets plenty of cuddles... so I don't think that is the issue.  He seems in most every way very typical (of course I think in some ways extraordinary ), save for maybe being a bit more rowdy and impulsive than the average kid we run into (and of course his love of milk that is driving nuts!)  It's good to know that other kids are still pretty attached to nursing at this age though....  I do worry that maybe there is some need that is not being met, I just can't figure out what it is!

[Racecarma]

I don't have a solution - just comiserating here.  My first son was weaned by mutual agreement at about 2 1/2 years old.  He was a good eater as a toddler and only needed to nurse to fall asleep at nap and night time by the time he weaned.  Now with child #2, I am suddenly having a problem.  He is 26 m/o and nurses on demand throughout the day and all night long.  Shows no signs of wanting to stop and even throws a tantrum if I do not give in to his requests.  He is the pickiest eater - won't eat most fruits or veggies of any kind, even pureed and hidden in a milkshake.  Used to like scrambled eggs but won't eat that any more and sometimes eats meats & cheeses but erratically.  I continue to nurse him as often as he wants because I'm afraid he is not getting enough nutrition from the little bit of food he will eat and cow's milk.  I've even wondered if there was anything I could eat that might make the milk taste less inviting and slow him down some.  Apparently there is no such thing I have found so far.

My husband is wanting to put him into his own bed now and I can't see that happening any time soon.  If I even get up to go to the bathroom he wakes up and starts screaming until he gets to nurse.  I'm in no hurry to stop nursing completely because he is my last child and I'm going to miss the nursing bond.  Still, I sure wish he would slow down some.