I remember writing about this here in the past, so I did an Advanced Search on both my name, NellieKatz, and the keyword "angry." It brought up quite a few results, but two of my posts in particular seem like they'd be more helpful. To save you the trouble of searching, I am putting the two separate posts here; I hope they help to give you the encouragement you are seeking:
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#1)
I have found it helpful to reflect on the anger itself, and where it comes from. What is the underlying assumption when I get angry? What is literally happening inside my head? (I do this reflecting later on, not in-the-moment). I think we'd all do well to do this. For example, if I get angry at my child for something, what is the underlying assumption? Is it "I know best and my child is disobeying me." or "I am seriously afraid right now that I am failing as a parent, and when I am afraid, it comes out in anger." It is HUGELY important to analyze this way. Get at the root of it.
Sometimes when I think about my angry & too-often violent Dad, it helps to remember that his dad died when he was just 7 years old. And his own dad had been brutal with him. So how afraid was that little boy, my Dad? Pretty much so. And if he's anything like me, he gets angry when he's afraid. So look inside yourself. What are you afraid of, if that is the case? Are you comparing yourself against some external "parenting rules," some expectations that someone (maybe YOU) have of yourself that aren't realistic? Are you thinking in terms of success or failure with your kid, and disobedience signals failure? Get inside that noggin of yours and see what's happening.
Ever since we've changed our parenting style (even during the course of my time here at the Mothering forums), the anger issue has all but disappeared for us. I'd be happy to elaborate or correspond privately (if need be) for anyone who wants to know more.
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#2)
I, too, was parented by an angry and violent dad. And although we don't hit or spank our son (conscious choice), I realized that the reason my child hits and pinches ME is that my big-scary-angry-face "feels" violent to him! By virtue of the fact that I am big and powerful and a parent, any time I turn big anger onto him.....sheesh....who could blame him for feeling the need to (a) defend himself by fighting back and (b) follow my lead and adopt anger as his response? I'm sure this is it. I taught him how to do all the rotten angry things that he does.
That being said, I am having great success turning it around. And I am sure I can do it. (And having my first & only kid at 43 and having this realization just this year at age 49, that's really saying something! It's never too late!!)
Here is my attempt at explaining what helps. First I realize that *I* control whether someone pushes my buttons. You can read that in a million different books, but until you really FEEL it, it doesn't make sense. But it's true.
Because of the experience of being hit by my dad, and feeling utterly helpless, I can see that when someone hits me, it is a potential trigger. But note the word "potential." We signed up for a 3-class trial of Kung Fu for him last week, and already the talk of "respect" and "discipline" and the practice of getting down to his level and looking each other right in the eye when speaking....this has all helped. I also keep my eye on the ball; i.e. my goal.
Example...Today, he got frustrated during lessons (we homeschool). He started to take it out on me first by sassing, and then by trying to hit me. I kept my eyes locked on his and deflected his blows, saying "I will not be hurt." "We don't hit during lessons." And I tried to enunciate his feelings to defuse it "You might be frustrated; maybe you're scared you'll get the wrong answer, but this isn't the way" (all the while he's whapping at me, mind you, and I am deflecting, eyes steady). I ask "do I need to go into another room to be safe from you?" (he says No) But in my mind I am NOT letting go of the idea that "I will sit here and finish this lesson. Nothing will get us off track. He needs the assurance that his powerful feelings can't knock me over emotionally. I am strong enough. He needs me to be stable enough. I am teaching him now. No matter how frustrated he gets, it's his job to sit down and handle it without hitting. I can wait him out. I am TEACHING him by my calm. It is my job to do this. I will NOT have the same fear & violence-based relationship with him as I had with my Dad." etc
And BTW I forgive my Dad. I heard from relatives that HIS Dad had been brutal to him. And then died when my Dad was only 7. He was a scared and angry little kid, no doubt. He didn't have it in him to break the cycle, and he passed it to us. But I am DETERMINED to break that chain. Actually I can say that I HAVE done it, because parenting this boy is the most important and precious thing I will EVER have been entrusted to do. And my life was so marred by sadness and fear by what my parents did.....it stops RIGHT HERE. It is these thoughts that "I choose better" that really calm me.
The past is really gone. The future hasn't happened. What will I do with the only moment I have--i.e. NOW?
Thanks for listening. If I can feel hopeful about this, then I'm sure you can too when your time is right.
