how do you become a good parent when yours were... well not that good?

[cyclamen]

I wrote out all the gory details, but then I deleted them.  I realized as I was writing that I don't have to pretend my parents were good parents, but I don't really want to dwell on proving they were bad either because it just makes me feel uncomfortable.  I believe my parents loved us but they were physically, sexually, and emotionally abusive.  They were ill equipped to be parents. 

I just want to find my peace, now.  I don't speak to my parents anymore because I don't think it is good for them to be around DD.  It's not good for me, either. 

How do you make peace with your past?  How do you deal with your fears of becoming like your parents?

I am committed to having and modeling peace in my household.  I want to be a good mom but I fear I don't know what that means.  What is a good parent like?  What is it like to be or have a parent that you can respect, disagree with, love?  Who you can count on to treat smaller ones with kindness?

My DP thinks I'm very even tempered but I don't think he grasps the extent of my internal struggle to be even tempered.  I also don't think he grasps the extent of the mean streak that resides inside of me, what's in me that could be a bully.

My biggest day to day struggle is with what I call my, "Angry narrative."  If something irritates me, I massage that irritation with anger thoughts over and over until it becomes anger.  And then it fills me with tension.  Occasionally, very occasionally, it becomes a rage.  I have no need of rage in my life.  Anger is my habit.  I want to change.  How do I cut off my anger thoughts? 

And if anger ever grows to rage, or I am stressed and overwhelmed, it's a struggle not to just let it flow out onto the smallest or weakest.  I've never hit DD, and but I'm afraid to be angry around her at all, as if there is a dam that could be broken.  I am ashamed to say that because I was overwhelmed this (yesterday) morning, I yelled "Shut up!" at her through the bathroom door.  When she wasn't even really crying.  Because I was mad.  That is not the mom (or partner) that I want to be.  It's not something I've ever done before, and not something I ever want to do again.

[Adaline'sMama]

I feel like I almost could have written your post. While my parents were divorced, and my father was great, I lived with my mother and she and my stepfather were horribly abusive. I am currently in the process of internally dealing with some of the things that happened while I was growing up, because I am not willing to continue this cycle of abuse. For me, this has meant having to cut people out of my life (at least for awhile). I havent spoken to my mother or stepfather in 7  months and have only had minimal contact with my brother and sister, both of whom are substance abusers. I have read and reread the book Toxic Parents, and I think it is a great tool to aid people like me who are trying to process.

That being said, I feel like I have to go the extra mile to do everything "right" because my mother was so, so, very wrong in her parenting. Its really hard, but I just have to tell myself "you will never be anything like her". For years Ive had to untrain myself from saying phrases that she repeated while I was growing up, and now that I am a parent I am amazed at her selfishness in her comments. I think one thing that helps us to be good parents, even though we werent raised by good parents is the fact that we are reconizing what good parenting is vs. what isnt.

My husband does fully see the mean streak in me, and it has caused problems before. I wish I could help you with advice on anger issues, but I have no good advice, just empathy.

[peaceful_mama]

Mine has seen my angry streak for a long time.  Also, I carry a whole lot of fear that if I'm not strict enough, what are my kids going to be like? 

And I know I went too far (for ME, and MY children and OUR family size) to the other side, equating GD with little/no D for awhile.

I don't know *how* to be this balanced parent, who can be strict without yelling, being overly negative, and yes, even spanking.  which I've stopped.

I get negative too quickly, and sometimes at the wrong things.  I know a big part of it is we ARE under a lot of stress as a family right now.  We are.  WE--all of us.  And MINE gets dismissed as little to nothing because DH sees it as his job to worry about the money and all that.   I'm glad he does that, but that doesn't mean it's not stressful to deal with my own mom living here day in and day out and she is the most negative, depressing person to be around!  I never realized till I saw the world through adult eyes that this is not *normal*.

I also listened to too much of it and it took me way too long to realize that no matter what choices I make it's not going to make her happy anyway so it's time I just lived my life and deal with the fallout as it comes---she complained when we shared a vehicle for example that she could never go anywhere because I was "ALWAYS taking the kids places"

Well now we don't share and she doesn't go anywhere besides the library or grocery store.  HER choice. 

Sometimes I wish I'd known just how toxic this could be.  But then she does do a lot for me like the past few months of being the one to do my volunteer time at DS's school--without her, he wouldn't be there and it really is one of the best schools in town, IMO.  There's housework that gets done while we're gone. I"ve just got to figure out how to deal with her in a way that doesn't affect my dealing with the kids.

working on that.

[Linda on the move]

I've spend years in counseling, and it's worth it. These cycles run deep, and I've found the effort to truly change generations of parenting to be intense.

But I've done it. My kids are now 12 and 14, and I've never hit them. I've only yelled a few times. And it's not because I'm in a constant struggle to maintain control, but because I've really changed. I'm not the angry crazy person my mom was. I'm not the abuser my dad was. My DH and I really enjoy spending time with our kids, and our kids have an easy self of self confidence about them. They deeply know that they are loved and cared for, and it shows.

I also really like the book "You can Heal Your Life" by Louise Hay. It's the best self help book I've read (and I've read LOTS of them!).  It's about how to change your inner dialogue. Very, very powerful stuff.

I don't think it's a substitute for the work I've done in counseling. I still see a counselor once a month just to check it.

[mntnmom]

I had a "wonderful" mix of a permissive mom, authoritarian grandpa, and and abusive father. Luckily my mom left dad and moving back in with her parents. But I have a very hard time with balance myself, having examples on both extremes. I find that I am more likely to be scream and get physical, or completely disengage, when I'm stressed and tired. I know it sounds trite, but just the fact that you are asking this question, instead of going on "auto pilot" is a GREAT first step. As for the stress management, I've actually found Buddhist meditation( you don't have to BE Buddhist) to be very useful. It helps me focus on what I am feeling, and why. I'm still a little unstable :P, but it helps stop the knee jerk reactions.

[philomom]

Well, I've tried to give my kids permission to be who they are within a framework of familial responsibility. Meaning, you can grow up to do whatever you like.. but get that room picked up and help me set the table.
My parents seemed to want to control my very thoughts.. my kid's thoughts are their own.

[rightkindofme]

I've been thinking, writing, and talking about this subject a lot lately.  I've recently hit a whole series of small to large explosions and I've been dealing with a lot of grief/trauma/abuse aftermath stuff.  Parenting through this is a nightmare.  But I think you are talking about the day to day stuff. :)  I have to stop and think about my words and tone pretty much all the time.  I'm not to a place where I am at peace yet, so this really is a constant struggle for me.  I have very intrusive negative thoughts continually.  How do I do it?  Well, I do my best.  That varies from day to day.  Sometimes I yell.  When I yell I apologize.  I explain that I am over reacting because I'm cranky and her behavior is not why I was being rude.  She seems to get that and she will tell me that I am being too cranky sometimes. :)  Luckily I take feedback well. 

I question every decision 57 times.  I over think everything.  But I try to do it in advance so I can react appropriately in the moment.  I seriously sit around and try to brainstorm possible situations that will come up so I can pre-plan how to handle them.  I don't have great instincts.  I have learned that I need to keep my processing completely away from her.  If I talk about bad stuff in my head within her hearing she has night terrors. :(  So I don't do that anymore.  It happened a couple of times and I'm not even 100% sure that was the reason... but that's just not cool.  So yeah. 

I see my therapist often.  I had a few year hiatus where I was between therapists but it's really important for me to be in ongoing therapy.  I have a large and supportive chosen family.  When I was having a bad day today I called a friend and asked her for help.  She showed up just about as fast as possible.  The shower probably was necessary. :)  I have another friend who babysits every week so I can go to therapy.  I'm really big on finding your chosen family and being super intensely devoted though.  I wouldn't be functional without my friends.

[cyclamen]

Originally Posted by Adaline'sMama 

That being said, I feel like I have to go the extra mile to do everything "right" because my mother was so, so, very wrong in her parenting.

I really relate to this feeling.  DP is always asking me why I read so many parenting books and I'm like... because I just don't think I can trust my instincts.  I worry about being to hard on DD one minute and the next I wonder if I'm spoiling her.  I try to remain consistent in my actions... but I wonder if I just think I'm being consistent.  DP says he would tell me if he thought I was being unreasonable, and I do trust him, but it's hard not to doubt myself.

rightkindofme, I feel like the reason this has suddenly been looming so much.... is that there's been... kind of like you said, little explosions.  It's been building up to this for a while, since I had my daughter, but all of sudden both of my parents began accusing me of lying about something that in the past they both agreed had happened.  Basically saying I broke up the family.  Or something.  I realized... I don't want these relationships in my life anymore.  I thought I'd forgiven them and moved on from the past but now it's as if that never happened.  There was never any peace.  I guess I'm grieving the loss of... my parents.  I feel pretty depressed most days.  I feel sick when I think about speaking to either of them, and obviously I can't let them be around my daughter when I can't trust them.  They both live far away so it's not hard to accomplish that, but I hate that DD can never really know my side of the family.  That even the good memories have to be tainted. 

You mention questioning every decision 57 times, and that is it.  I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing.  I feel like anything I do will be wrong.  And I'm sapped of patience.  I am so sick of myself all of the time.  Sick of everything.

I want to find a therapist... I always say that I don't think we can afford it, but this thread has inspired me to start looking for a way.  In fact, I just called and left a message with someone.

This week I'm going to procrastinate on my bad feelings, my negativity, and my anger.  They always seem so urgent, like something bad will happen if I don't feel them, don't "express" them somehow.  But this week, when one comes, I'm just going to say to myself, "I will feel this feeling next week."  And see what happens.  I quit smoking doing something like this... if anger is my habit, maybe it's one I can break.

[sapphire_chan]

I did have good parents and I still fine that I parent better if I hang out around good parents.

Parenting books are also good because they give examples of patient parenting, and the more examples, the easier it is to use patient language.