I need some support and advice

[happywife101]

Hi there. I wasnt sure where to post this, but after reading a few of the posts on here I think Im in the right spot. Here goes:  I want another baby. Husband does not.  Sounds simple: not having another baby. Im so sad though.  In short, I was a divorced mom of one baby when my husband and I met.  I asked if we'd have kids before we got married, he said yes.  We got married. Three years later we had a baby girl.  So now I have a 1 year old daughter and an almost 5 year old son. After the birth of my daughter, he said no more kids and I agreed to make him happy but here I am wanting another now. I talked to him about it and it has caused awful fights because he doesnt want anymore f*#$ing kids.  He loves his kids but doesnt want anymore. I love my children and they are my life. I even said Id be more than happy to get my tubes tied after a last and third one. He said absolutely not.  I know part of me is selfish for wanting another baby.  Is it selfish for him to deny me? I think its wrong on both parts, wrong for me to have one because he doesnt want anymore and wrong for him to say no. I was under the impression before we got married we would have a couple, and when I said no more after my daughter (it was immediately after I gave birth!)..not the best time to say that...... anyway, Im trying to cope with it best I can. He said if I wanted another baby, I need to leave and marry someone else who will pump me full of sperm.  I guess Im afraid of resenting him later on for not wanting any more, but I guess who would want more kids with someone who says things like that huh?  Im just depressed and seeking out help/support/advice. Ive tried to talk to him and he wont listen and just gets mad and yells.  This whole talk of wanting another baby came about because recently I thought I was pregnant. For 9 days now I have felt nauseous and very very crampy. I am still breastfeeding my daughter and have NOT gotten a period yet.  AND: we use protection every time so it would have to be nothing short of a miracle to conceive under those conditions.  Anyway, I took a test 2 days ago and it was negative. I still feel sick and having no period to base it off of, I have no idea what to do. I plan to go to the doc in 2 weeks for the yearly pap smear so I guess Id find out then since the OB/GYN is going to take a look down there.... ANY COMMENTS WELCOME..I really need advice on how to cope with this. Thanks in advance

[laohaire]

Wow, gee, I'm sorry you're going through this. I know a lot of women deal with wanting a(nother) child when their husbands don't, and I don't have any suggestions or anything (it's kind of the opposite in my house) but I was really disheartened by the MANNER your husband is going about this.

It's one thing to not want more kids, but I feel he is being really disrespectful toward you, plus arguably manipulative as well.

I'm the one who is not really wanting more kids, but believe me, I've never given an ultimatum like that (the only way you can have another kid is to divorce me). I guess if you were pushing it really really hard, I could see it... how hard were you pushing? It sounds to me like not too hard, it was more of a "I thought I was pregnant, I wasn't, but now it's got me thinking" kind of thing. If that's true, then I'm just shocked by how strong he's coming on and disrespectful. I get that some people don't want kids or only want one or two or whatever, but it sounds like you discussed it and you had no reason to believe that it was going to be so final. He has a total right to change his mind, but not to be such a jerk about it. The fact that you brought up the question was totally reasonable.  

[Mulvah]

Originally Posted by laohaire 

Wow, gee, I'm sorry you're going through this. I know a lot of women deal with wanting a(nother) child when their husbands don't, and I don't have any suggestions or anything (it's kind of the opposite in my house) but I was really disheartened by the MANNER your husband is going about this.

It's one thing to not want more kids, but I feel he is being really disrespectful toward you, plus arguably manipulative as well.

I'm the one who is not really wanting more kids, but believe me, I've never given an ultimatum like that (the only way you can have another kid is to divorce me). I guess if you were pushing it really really hard, I could see it... how hard were you pushing? It sounds to me like not too hard, it was more of a "I thought I was pregnant, I wasn't, but now it's got me thinking" kind of thing. If that's true, then I'm just shocked by how strong he's coming on and disrespectful. I get that some people don't want kids or only want one or two or whatever, but it sounds like you discussed it and you had no reason to believe that it was going to be so final. He has a total right to change his mind, but not to be such a jerk about it. The fact that you brought up the question was totally reasonable.  

I agree with all of the above, but the statement I bolded was exactly what I thought when reading your post.

[1stTimeMama4-4-10]

PP said what I was thinking.  I am concerned for you though - if you do get pregnant (it happens even when using protection!) - would he think you sabotaged the contraception to have a child when he did not agree? That's a really bad road to go down.  If you are having sex, and neither of you have done anything permanent, it still COULD happen - what then? I'm sorry you are going through this. 

[laohaire]

I've seen this advice given on MDC before - if your husband flat does not want children, make him responsible for birth control. At the very least, it should mitigate the concern 1st time mama brought up. The woman can still use birth control if she likes, but the main point is to make him responsible for it.

[carolm1]

Wow, thats rude. We have two kids right now, our DS (2yrs) and DD( to be 1 on the 22th of April). A few months back I told my husband I wanted another baby, he disagreed. Mine was for a purely selfish reason. With bothof my kids I didnt get to enjoy being pregnant. With my son I was depressed to the point where I wanted to kill myself ( my husband had to hide knives and anythign else I could harm myself with plus we fought alot as I ended up pregnant after we had only been together for a month that includes dating. It wasnt allhis faut pratilly it was mine but a lot rested with the people i worked with as I was in the military and just got to my duty station lots of stress) with my daughter i had a better pregnancy but we ended up homeless and some guy actually beat me up because he claimed my husband stole his motorcycle when in truth i was there when my husband bought the bike. I never had a baby shower, or the ability to get the baby anythign i wanted for him/her. I gave up wanting another baby because I wanted one for a very selfish reason- to have a baby shower, enjoy being pregnant ( i didnt want to be waited on hand and foot i just wanted a happy pregnancy i didnt get the first two times) and have all the cute baby items. A few weeks later my husband found out he got hired for a great job and he asked if I wanted to have another baby. I told him no and why. He threw a bit of a fit saying when i want something I always get it, I let him know that we would try and we did but I never got pregnant because I had gotten the depo shot and it takes any where from a year to 18 months to wear off. Mind you i did enjoy having some personal time with him, I ended up letting him know how long it took to wear off. With both our kids they where surprises, we didnt plan not to have them or to have them. They happened. Hes away right now, with work, and before he left he constantly told me I was pregnant he knew I was pregnant with both our kids weeks before I could take a pregnancy test. I have taken pregnancy test the last couple of weeks and it says im not.

I dont want a third child pilled right ontop of the two I have right now. Thats not fair to them, but we wouldnt give it up even if it was.

[happywife101]

Thanks mamas. I really appreciate all the advice. Im going into the doctor in a few days for a yearly pap smear. I am going to talk to him about my hormones and emotional mood swings and see what birth control pill would be best for me.  As far as baby #3, I think that I will have to just accept that I will not have anymore and move on. If I ever got pregnant again (even though using birth control) then we will just take it one day at a time. of course I would be happy, but all we can do is try to prevent right?  He will be getting a vasectomy as soon as we can afford it.  Its just hard to think I cannot have more kids.  I said that I wanted to donate my eggs so at least other parents can benefit but he is not supportive of that. He thinks its too risky for my health....we will see.  Thank you again for all of the support.

Luv Luv Luv Happywife101