is there a point when breastfeeding becomes more of a problem than a solution?

[red and lulu]

I don't know if my title even makes much sense... what I'm getting at is: My 20 mo is so obsessed with nursing she can't do anything — sleep, eat, play, sit in the car — without wanting to nurse every couple minutes. While I was so down with on-demand nursing when she was younger, now I find it intolerable. My boobs are literally scratched and bruised. She bites, kicks, pulls my hair. She's on me all. the. time. And if I say no, or ask her to wait she has a major meltdown, no matter where we are. I just feel like the nursing is maybe getting in the way of her doing other things, like having fun in music class or sleeping (we co-sleep, and she's been partially night weaned for months but still lies awake for up to an hour at a time screaming for "babas"). I'm trying to cut her down to 3 times a day — in the morning (around 6), mid-day (before and/or after nap), and at bedtime — but she's a manic time-bomb so I don't know if I'm doing the right thing. I don't know what the right thing to do is! 

She obviously still wants to nurse, and I did want to nurse her until she was at least 2, but this doesn't seem to be working for either of us. What should I do? Anyone BTDT?

[D_McG]

It became a bit like that with my first. Although I always had limits greater than what you seem to have. Like I rarely nursed multiple times an hour, never nursed if there was any biting, kicking etc! But certainly there was a period where he wanted to nurse all the time and I realized that it was because I hadn't helped him develop other skills. And I as a parent was also lacking skills.

Great limits and eventually weaning (22 mos) were great things for us

[She2dancer]

How long has this been going on for?  Is she possibly cutting her 2 year molars?  I know that both of my two boys went through phases like this, where I thought.....this can't possibly get worse...and then it got better.

Have you tried maybe putting a mattress or toddler bed near your bed, with the thought that by possibly separating the two of you just slightly, she will not wake as frequently?  We did this with my first son and it worked well (though he did not stop night nursing completely until he turned 4....).  I would recommend a mattress or bed that would fit you so you can nurse in "their bed"

As far as the biting, kicking, hair pulling - imo, these are non-negotiable - you bite, kick or pull my hair - you are done - end of story. You can try again in a little while.... 

The other thing to consider is to not cut down to nursing 3x a day all at once....it needs to be gradual or she may rebel more...the key is redirection (although I know that when a child only wants to nurse they can be adamant!)...but think of big types of redirection....all the sudden pick her up and go take a walk outside, or go for a car ride, or move to an entirely different area of the house (one not associated with nursing) and take out a toy/play a game she hasn't seen in a while (or something new?)

I hope this gives you some ideas!

[lifeguard]

I would definitely start with making limits as to what is acceptable while nursing. If ds was rough or trying to flip around or causing me pain he went down. Non-negotiable. He could try again later.

Once that is established & nursing is not as awful for you I would work towards condensing the number of times. Maybe saying if you're done now remember we aren't nursing again until... I also would sometimes offer water or a cuddle or to play with something at times when I didn't want to nurse for whatever reason. Sometimes saying, not now but in 5 minutes or after we have lunch or.... worked for us.

[jessica_s]

nak!

i agree with the pp, toddlers need some limits. what worked well for us was limiting the sessions that made me crazy. it was the endless nursing to sleep at bedtime. so i said were going to nurse until im done singing the abc's (or whatever song), after that were done. 

i also did not allow any picking/biting/pulling - i ended the session if he couldn't stop and we did something else.

redirection is your friend, also you could say ok we'll nurse after such and such. putting off nursing for a few minutes, you have to be consistent but its good practice :) welcome to toddler land, if it wasn't nursing it would be something else, trust me!

[MsFortune]

If it is not working for you, it's not working.  It's OK to stop nursing if you have had it.  If you want to keep trying, I think the suggestions above are great, but if they do not work there is no shame in stopping.

[red and lulu]

Thanks for the awesome suggestions everyone. D_McG your comment was so right on! I never thought about it that way, but it really is the root of me and dd's current predicament: Because I've allowed nursing to be a blanket cure-all for us both, neither of us have other tools for dealing with the frustration and maybe even insecurity we're both experiencing.

It felt good to nightwean- the establishment of a firm boundary was really necessary for me psychologically (I'm historically incapable of establishing boundaries with anyone). She was sleeping in her toddler bed at night and only nursing before bed and when she woke (and then multiple times a day). Since her dad and I split (he's still in the house for now, just a different room) she has been getting in bed with me earlier and earlier and now often insists on just going to sleep there. The endless meltdowns all day wear me down, and it's just easier to snuggle her to sleep there than listen to her freak for the hundreth time that day. Its the same thing with her biting, scratching, etc-- I do stop as soon as she does it and hold my ground, but then she has a huge meltdown and it takes so long to bounce back. It literally feels like we're just moving from one tantrum to another all day long-- and thats not doing either of us any good. Its like, if there was a toy that just consistently caused a problem, you'd get rid of the toy. I want her to have the health and nutritional benefits of nursing as long as possible, but at the expense of what? But I guess I am giving her mixed signals, I'm not being consistent. I need to do that first before I throw in the towel.

I'm going to try to ease her into 3 nurses a day and get her back in her own bed. If that doesn't seem to make things better maybe it is time to wean....

[lactatinggirl]

If I were you, I'd start putting limits. Once DD it 12 months, I felt it was alright for me to delay nursing a bit. I wouldn't ever straight up refuse, but if I was in the middle of something or just plain didn't feel like it, I'd distract her with other things. Obviously, you can only distract so long, but that might help you put some time in between nursing sessions. 

[Mom2M]

Wow, I would go nuts dealing with the every few minutes nursing! I would p[robably try to cut back pretty gradually starting with once an hour and then extend the time since she's every few minutes now.
The biting, scratching, etc...I would tell her no more milk now because you scratched me and it hurt and put her down on the floor, redirecting to something else. It will probably result in screaming for a while but you could try showing her a clock and say look, here is when you can try having milk again if you can be gentle and not hurt or something like that.
Good luck!

[EzzysMom]

Wow you're separating from her dad? she's definitely going to be feeling stressed then. I recommend reading the book 'kids, parents, and power struggles' to gain some insight into how she's feeling. I bet the increased nursing is because of the stress, and I'm sure you're stressed too unfortunately. If you can help with the underlying need, I bet the nursing issues will resolve. Take it easy on yourself and her.

[EzzysMom]

sorry I also wanted to second (third) that kids that hurt you while nursing get put down. No if ands or tantrums. They are put down and try again later. Just because she's upset doesn't mean you can be abused.

[mama naturale]

My 4th child was very difficult at this age. I was okay with night feeding (he still slept okay) but all day constant feeding was very hard. I couldn't do much else. It got the point where I had to say no and avoid sitting down so I wasn't always feeding. He did cry and tantrum but I had to let him do this and we became happier which was amazing. I wanted him to feed til 2 which he did (still feeding now) and I in the meantime got pregnant, he went down to feeding once a day (dry comfort suckling) and now colostrum is back in he feeds 3x a day but I still feel I can say no to him. He is 2 and a half now, he is teething and I am glad I can give him comfort even if I feel I have to limit it - his latch is quite slack so I don't like to have him on for long periods.