Preparing kids for a move? (especially if they lived with you and your parents for anytime?)

[Phoenix~Mama]

I've been living with my parents for almost a year now.  I'm planning on moving out soon.  It may be sooner than I had originally planned because my Dad is going into one of his full manic UAV cycles and he told me this weekend he doesn't like me anymore and he disowns me and I need to get out.

So I was already planning on moving this summer... but it may be more like spring... I'm really worried about how my DD is going to do.  My Dad is like her best friend (oh yay, with all he "wonderful" qualities to teach her)... anyway... I pretty much know no matter what I do, it's likely going to be a pretty rough couple of weeks for her to get adjusted.

One thing I have done already, is I found a nanny that comes to the home to watch her and DS now, and the nanny is okay with the commute to where I live now, as well as where I'm moving to.... so her care provider will stay the same.

We are moving far enough away, and because of the shift my Mom works, DD will go from seeing my parents everyday, to seeing them only on the weekends, likely every Sunday for sure.

Has anyone gone through this transition?  What can I expect?  I feel bad because I know my DD is going to be devestated and she has had so much change in the past year... but I simply cannot stay in my parents house any longer, especially with my Dad picking up on his verbal/emotional abuse.  He's very unahppy with life in general at the moment and really lashing out at everyone around him.  :(

Thoughts?

[Sharon, RN]

I'm sorry.  :-(  

I lived with my ex-in-laws from the time DS#1 was an infant until he was in kindergarten.  We had to move out abruptly (ex-H was arrested for attacking me, and it really was not a possibility to stay in his parents' house after that).  We actually stayed with friends for several months (have you ever couch-surfed with a kid?  It was crazy!) and then got our own place about 6 months after we left my in-laws.

DS#1 made the transition amazingly well.  Although it was murder getting up so early, etc, I was able to keep him in the same school to finish out the year.  So, I think the consistency helped.  He was also able to see him grandparents on a regular basis, and I think that helped as well.  Although there were a lot of questions and explanations, there were no meltdowns or traumatizing anxiety.  It was more like, "Oh, we are going to stay here now?  Cool!"  

He still has his own room at his grandparents that he uses when he visits.  His father (who has intermittently lived with his parents, lived with several women, and has been homeless) now lives in a trailer about a mile from his parents' house.  When DS#1 visits his dad, he often chooses to stay at his grandparents overnight.

GL Mama- I hope your little ones come through just fine!

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

I dont have much advice.  I just saw this in new posts and wanted to say YIPPPPEEEEE for getting out of your parents house.  WINK. 

I think any kind of change in the routine is tough on kids.  But since you already had the nanny coming to your parents, and she will continue to come to your new place, That should help smooth your DDs transition a bit. 

Congrats mama.  you have come so far in the last year.  MY GOODNESS.  I remember reading the post that you were preggo with DS.   HOLY CROWSNEST!

[crunchy_mommy]

I don't know the details of your situation & I can't say I've been in the same position, but... I would imagine if your dad's abuse is getting worse, your DD is picking up on that.

We have been seeing my parents 1-2 times a week and recently had to cut back due to... um... issues. I can't explain right now, but it's kind of abuse-related. I thought DS would be devastated, because my dad is his favorite. person. ever. But TBH he doesn't seem to really notice the difference, at least not yet (hasn't been very long). Obviously that's a lot different than someone your DD has been seeing daily though. If you are comfortable and feel 'safe' doing so (emotionally safe, in particular), you could consider setting up a webcam or at least letting her call him daily... maybe that will help with the transition? Or let him take her out somewhere special once or twice a week? (Again, only if that's something you'd be comfortable with, since I don't know all the details).

But I guess because you used the word 'abuse' in your OP, which I don't take lightly, my gut reaction is that she will be better off without that constant abusive influence in her life, even if it's a hard transition. I don't know... all I know is, it tears me apart thinking about keeping DS from his favorite person but I also feel like it's in his best interest to see very little of him right now... it's a hard balance to strike, especially when it's family involved, and I really feel for you & your DD!

[Ornery]

My oldest ds and I lived with my mother and step-father on and off for his first three years.  He has always had a very close relationship with them.  Unfortunately, my stepfather is verbally and emotionally abusive so there have been times that I have had to cut off contact or just do supervised visits.  It is stressful but we are very matter of fact about all of it.  I found that if I really made a big deal about things with him, he picked up on my stress about it and ended up reacting to it.  With all of the uncertainty in our lives during his early years, it was best for me to be very matter of fact about everything.  I always acted very excited about our new circumstances (even when I was dreading it or terrified) and he usually ended up being somewhat excited.  If he was sad, we discussed the sadness and I empathized.  The big thing for me was to not project my own emotions or what I thought he might be feeling.  Oftentimes, I found he reacted in ways I would never have guessed.  Children are so resilient!

He still has a special bond with his grandpa but he also understands that certain aspects of his grandfather's behavior are not acceptable.

[Phoenix~Mama]

Originally Posted by Ornery 

My oldest ds and I lived with my mother and step-father on and off for his first three years.  He has always had a very close relationship with them.  Unfortunately, my stepfather is verbally and emotionally abusive so there have been times that I have had to cut off contact or just do supervised visits.  It is stressful but we are very matter of fact about all of it.  I found that if I really made a big deal about things with him, he picked up on my stress about it and ended up reacting to it.  With all of the uncertainty in our lives during his early years, it was best for me to be very matter of fact about everything.  I always acted very excited about our new circumstances (even when I was dreading it or terrified) and he usually ended up being somewhat excited.  If he was sad, we discussed the sadness and I empathized.  The big thing for me was to not project my own emotions or what I thought he might be feeling.  Oftentimes, I found he reacted in ways I would never have guessed.  Children are so resilient!

He still has a special bond with his grandpa but he also understands that certain aspects of his grandfather's behavior are not acceptable.

That makes a lot of sense.  I am planning on making it really big special excited deal when I tell DD.  I've also gotten some really cute new decor things for the kids room, as I have never decorated a room for her, because I knew no place we have lived was that permanent.  Where we are going is.  At least it's the first time I've really felt like I was going home permanently when I'm up there.  I took her there a couple weeks ago and she LOVED the yard.  She was incredibly excited with all the wildlife in the backyard (wooded area, lots of birds and squirrels were in the yard getting the acorns).  And then she went out collecting acorns, and just looked so happy.  :D

I'm hoping it will be like the transistion with her Dad... at first she asked about him a lot... and sometimes she still does... but then other times we can go a whole week where she doesn't ask or say much about him. 

But she does seem a lot closer to my Dad than her own Dad... 

I do feel this move will be the best for my family.  We have been surrounded by abuse and chaos for so long... and we can finally leave.  I'm really excited about the move... nervous too, but excited and happy outweigh the most.