Who do you plan to notify when labour begins? (vent)

[Nutter]

Sorry - this is a bit of a vent.... I've been a birth doula for 6+ years now, and in almost every birth, my clients have expressed at some point that they "Have to call _______ so they don't worry/because they are anxiously waiting/because they will be upset if we don't etc" They tell the person that they will notify them of updates/when they're ready for visitors. But once those people know a birth is coming, they invariably drive to the hospital to crowd the waiting room and skulk outside Mom's hospital door listening eagerly for "progress".

Because of these experiences, I have expressed to DH that I really hope we go into labour at home on our own, so that we can call our midwives & doula, but then just get on with the business of birth and not have to notify our families until all is said and done. I don't want the pressure to perform in a timely manner, and I don't want to be interrupted by the phone or the doorbell. DH will be turning off the ringers on the phone, unplugging the doorbell, and locking the door. He will not permit anyone (including his own mother) to enter our house without my express invitation. I know that sounds kinda harsh.... but everyone has such strong expectations about how I"ll birth (because I'm a doula) that I feel really strongly about being left the he** alone to just do what I need to do and it's none of their business how "good" a birther I am.
(Also - we have been very open since day one that we would be birthing at home - this is NOT new news).

Yesterday I was talking to my Mom on the phone about a soup recipe I'm preparing for the birth and she says
"Oh... so you're staying home for the *whole* thing??".
Yes Mom.
"You're not going to the hospital at all?"
No Mom. The midwives bring everything they need to us, and we will be birthing at home. If we do need to go to the hospital, we will be going to Hospital B (1 hour East of where my parents live, 30 minutes East of our home), NOT to Hospital C (in the town they live in, 30 minutes West of our home), because our midwives only have priviledges at B, not at C. But the plan is to give birth at home.
"Oh...Well I certainly hope you call us the second everything starts and keep us up to date" (with distinct disappointment in her voice)

*Sigh* the right thing to say at that point would have been "We'll keep everyone as up-to-date as possible Mom". That would have satisfied her, and still left us the wiggle room to not call because we were too busy. But I didn't say that. She caught me off-guard and I told the truth. I told her "this (see above) is my experience with clients over the last 6 years. This is what I don't want to happen. For these reasons, we plan to tell people when the baby is born, but we do not plan to give updates about labour". Yeah... that didn't go over so well. "But I'm not some client. I'm a woman. And I'm your mother. We're supposed to share these moments." (This is a very old refrain in our relationship. She's always wanted to be my best friend and has unrealistic expectations which I don't meet). When I tried to explain about not wanting the distraction of updates etc she tried to tell me that I would never even hear the phone or doorbell ring and that a whole parade of people could come through my living room, I would never notice because I'm in labour. (Does she even know me???) She then told me that what I really needed was another person at the birth whose only job was to call family and give regular updates on my progress and how I was doing. And if I didn't want an extra person, then my doula's job should be to call family with regular updates. (Did you not hear anything I just said? I don't want to feel like a watched pot. And my doula is here for ME, not for YOU.) Of course I didn't say that though!! I explained in my kindest and gentlest and most conciliatory voice that our phone ringers would be turned off and the door locked, and that while we *would* update family when the baby was born, we had no intention of providing regular updates throughout. If I change my mind in the moment then so be it, and if labour begins while we're out somewhere, and even one person knows about it, we will make sure it's fair and that both families know, but the plan now is to keep things quiet.

Yeah. She's not happy. So now I feel horribly guilty that I'm being a bad daughter and that I *should* want to update everyone, every step of the way, and that I *should* be okay with having the 11 members of our nearby familes crammed into our 700 sq foot home, alongside the midwives, doula, and birth pool, within moments of the birth. But I just don't want it. I don't want to know in the back of my mind during labour that someone in the room is reporting on me to people who aren't there. And the thought of managing family visitors immediately post-birth is still one of my biggest stressors.

So - am I being unreasonable? Does everyone update everyone these days?? Or is it okay to want my privacy?? Who do you plan to notify when labour begins?

[Evergreen]

I will notify my mother mainly because my kids dont' want to be there and so she will be watching them. I will also probably tell a few friends. Everyone else will know when the baby is born.

[kamalynsky]

We are notifying our doula and, when we're getting ready to go to the hospital, two friends who have offered to help us out by walking our dog while we're gone.  That's it.  We aren't telling family, and we've asked those friends not to pass word on. 

I too had an awesome conversation with my mom about this, in which she demanded that we call and tell her the minute labor starts.  After repeatedly trying to explain that no, we'll make calls when everything is done (or if, god forbid, problems arise and we decide to call), my mom then said she'd just start calling the hospital every day about a week out from our due date to see if we'd checked in.  I still don't know if she's serious or not, but at this point I outright lied and told her "fine, mom.  If you're that desperate, we'll call you."  I still have no intention of actually doing so, but letting her think as much will make my life a lot easier.  I do feel a little guilty, but... what can you do.

she tried to tell me that I would never even hear the phone or doorbell ring and that a whole parade of people could come through my living room, I would never notice because I'm in labour.

That statement hit me right in the same spot as conversations with my mom... and ouf, set off little flurries of almost-panic.  Because I know myself, I *would* notice, and it would make me want to go hide in a corner, or the closet or something, like a mother cat with kittens. 

I really don't think that family needs to be kept up to date, minute-by-minute, on how labor is going.  This isn't some sporting event, and things take a lot of time.  I think family that isn't intimately familiar with natural birth might start to panic should you send out the initial call and, 24 hours later, still not have given birth.  Panicking family is no fun. 

One of the plus-sides of the midwife center of our hospital is that if someone isn't on a guest list, they do not get through the doors into the birth wing.  We wouldn't even know they're there.  Still, I have absolutely NO desire to deal with anyone except those individuals I've chosen to be with me while I'm giving birth - and I've told my husband his phone had better be set to silent (we'll probably give our friends the room number or nurse's station so that, should they need to contact us about the dog, etc. they can... but otherwise, we aren't taking any calls).

So no, you aren't alone.  I'm right there with you, dealing with the mom who wouldn't take no for an answer.  If your mom is anything like mine, be prepared to have her start 'checking in' on you a bit in advance. 

[Nutter]

So relieved to know I'm not the only one who doesn't want to broadcast every detail....! And not the only one who is struggling with Mom issues!

[lizzie]

Originally Posted by Nutter 



So - am I being unreasonable? Does everyone update everyone these days?? Or is it okay to want my privacy?? Who do you plan to notify when labour begins?

In a word, NO. A resounding, powerful NO that will break your mother's phone and knock this whole conversation from both your memories!! I'm sorry you're having to deal with this! It's absolutely ok to want your privacy, and it sounds like you know yourself well enough to know just what you need - so its not merely that it's 'ok', it sounds imperative for you to have that privacy so you can birth in peace and not get stalled out in your labor as you worry about things you should not have to worry about! I hope things calm down for you by the time you need them to!

And I'll be 'notifying' my husband, kids, and my midwife, all four of whom live in the same building as I do - no long distance people will be informed. Phones will be off and when we know who we've brought into the world, we'll let them know. Maybe even that day if I'm all strung out on happiness and oxytocin and feeling magnamimous! :) Though in fairness I have the "luxury" of distance to buffer all the would-be birth crashers. I hope your LO sneaks in under the cover of darkness, cloaked in your love and utter relaxation!!

[elonwy]

I'm going to tell my husband, my midwife and my doula. And my mom if she's here, but if she's here then she's staying with us and has been invited to the birth so that's different. Everyone else has been firmly informed that they will find out when they find out and that I (very specifically I and not my husband) will tell them when I am ready for visitors. I am lucky in that most of the family lives out of state, but I do have friends I could see dropping by if I didn't tell them not to. Unexpected visitors will be asked to leave and come back later. 

I have a friend who was on facebook the whole time his wife was in labor. It was really weird to see public posts of how far along she was. I think it's cute to post baby pics online, but a blow by blow of the delivery is a little TMI, if you ask me. My husband is not at all wired that way, he's going to be completely focused on me, knowing him. 

[jgale]

We've had this same issue.  My mother (respectfully) would really really really like to know when I go into labor--I think she wants to be able to light a candle or say a prayer or something.  In her case, I think it comes from a good, loving place, not a nosy, controlling place.  However, for all the reasons discussed above, I decided not to tell anyone when I went into labor.  Having been on the other side--waiting anxiously by the phone while I know a loved one is in labor, I consider it a personal favor not to tell people.  By the time they get the call--the baby is here, it's a --, everything is great"--they're so excited and overjoyed that it's hard to feel angry about not having known that the baby was coming.

That being said, my mom was not surprised each time I have called her to tell her that the baby has arrived--she has always known (so she claims, and I sort of believe her...)

Stick to your guns, don't take it personally and lie if you must  (oh, the labor was so intense, we didn't have a chance to call anyone).  I also feel some compassion for my mom because I fully expect to be invited to attend my daughters' labors.  I hope I can be as non-interfering as my mom has been...

[geekgolightly]

i dont have family, so i dont know what its like to have my own family crowd around and get all excited about stuff like this.

i do have some in-laws and they have a sort of controlled excitement. they are polite and reserved people. i will call them.

am i the only one who thinks it's might be nice to have people really excited and joyous about this?

[lizzie]

Originally Posted by geekgolightly 

i dont have family, so i dont know what its like to have my own family crowd around and get all excited about stuff like this.

i do have some in-laws and they have a sort of controlled excitement. they are polite and reserved people. i will call them.

am i the only one who thinks it's might be nice to have people really excited and joyous about this?

You know, that's a perspective I hadn't considered - makes me see it in a different light. I am grateful they're somewhere, waiting and wanting the information, I'm just even more grateful that they're not in the next room.

Honestly though, what my family brings is less excitement and joy, and much more anxiety, fear, and questioning the choices I've made, which I will not entertain. But like a pp said, when you call them with news of the baby, they quickly get over not knowing about the labor.

My dh is an only child, with geographically distant parents and no other close family - if my family had been allowed to run roughshod over what for him (and now for me, thanks to him) was and is a very private time in our lives, things would've gotten ugly, so I had to throw down early and often to get them to understand that things would always be different with my little family than they had been in our big boisterous crowd. They've accepted it and mostly gotten over it, but I'm still happy that they're not any closer on the map - it just keeps their excitement from overwhelming them into doing something they know I will not appreciate.

[motherhendoula]

OP i SOOOOO know what you mean!  I am a Postpartum doula - i was having my third - *(my husbands first) this past August...i didnt have to worry at all about my own family...i think my mother knows and understands labor enough to know that she would rather NOT know im 'in labor' ...and then she can just sit by the phone listening for ringing sounds for the next 4 - 72 hours.....on the other hand...my Inlaws had never been through a HB before - first they asked to be there...in my house....while i labored!  I was pretty horrified by this suggestion especially since my last HB i birthed on the LR floor, so i let my husband know that we didnt have enough back dated magazines in our living room to give it that 'hospital waiting room' feel  - and that they would get a call when we had a baby. 

I dont think i did a good enough job preparing my DH for this birth and as soon i woke him up to tell him i was in labor  - he was on the phone to his family.  I had no idea he was pretty much texting them the entire time.   The minute the baby was out and in my hands - he was calling family members with wild abandon.....i guess i should have explained the significance of 'time to bond as a family'  - lol he called my Mom and my sister before the baby had been weighed and measured and they were like "Why are u calling NOW?"  lol -

so yes - you have every right to your privacy and i totally understand that 'watched pot' scenario - its especially difficult when you are a birth professional yourself, people just seem to be expecting more from you.   Dont feel guilty - once your mom is actually holding her new grandchild - ALL will be forgiven!   The next problem you will have to deal with is her constant presence.....we went from seeing my in laws once every few months to dinner every other weekend!

[kamalynsky]

Mother, that last bit is my fear... I don't get along super well with my MIL, but she recently started talking about quitting her job so she could be around more for the grandkid, and all the different times she's going to babysit... I've already put my foot down on the laboring part, and figure I'll deal with one thing at a time.  Luckily my husband, though he doesn't quite understand my need for me-time, is really good at dealing with his mom... so we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.  We did already tell people that they have to schedule visits - no showing up at our door.

[clutterbug]

I totally get the watched pot analogy, I really feel the same.  I think the "keep everybody in the loop" thing is really ingrained in people and they just don't get why it needs to be private. 

Each time we've had to have someone in the loop, but we try to keep it to a minimum.  This time, my parents will be here at the house so that we can leave for the cottage and they will bring our kids a little later on.  They may crash at my brother's (5 minutes from the cottage) so if he's home, he'll know.  They'll be under strict instruction to keep it under their hats.  My mom does really not understand my rationale for this, though, and I am not sure if she'll fully comply, to be honest.  There's no way to police it, kwim?  I am confident that nobody will be showing up for the birth, and our cell phone will be off, so that's the best I can do.  People showing up would dirve me through the roof, though, that's ridiculous! 

Last time, my MIL was called because she was our support person/sitter for DS1.  I kinda had a bit of a panic when she suggested in the planning stages that my FIL would come with her and he could just wait in the driveway in the car or at a nearby relative's house (hence, the relative and all the extended family would be in on me labouring).  I just came out and said, no, that's not going to work because we don't want the update calls circulating all over, there is no need for everyone to be sitting around waiting for word.  As it happened, a cousin in my DH's family who was due around the same time as me when into labour the same day I did.  I got three calls that day from three different relatives telling me she in labour.  That definitely reinforced my wishes to keep it quiet - so every time someone called, I just said "that's nice, hope there's a baby soon" and didn't bother mentioning anything was happening at all with me :P

With DS1's hospital birth, we told people in advance that we wanted NOBODY in the waiting room (my parents knew I was in labour because they were staying with us, and Dh's parents apparently called that morning by happenstance - or my parents called them, I'll never know! - so they knew we were at the hospital for a couple of hours before the birth), so I think the home birth wishes flowed from that fairly easily and as far as we know, our wishes were respected (thankfully). 

[tzs]

we didn't tell anyone with dd...i wouldn't have wanted them there in the waiting room and i didn't want them to be worried waiting by the phone. i was even a little aprehensive about having my parents watch dd this time around because then they would "know" so i might have a nearby friend watch her instead (she'd be better equipped to do it anyway.)

so no, everybody finds out at the same time....after kiddo is born.

[geekgolightly]

i think i would be really uncomfortable with lots of judgment and anxiety. not good. i hope that all that stuff is just misdirected love on their part. it's hard for some people to let go of control.

maybe you could update by texting? that way they know you're ok and they feel involved and in your circle, but they arent bugging anyone with their weird energy.i guess some people might cross boundaries though and if you worry about them just showing up when they know you dont want that, that's pretty awful.

[reelgeek]

If you don't want anyone to know, that's your personal choice. Should be all about you. 

Personally, I imagine I will Twitter when I'm sure I'm actually in full labour before the point that I can't type anymore. I know my husband will likely mention something online, but he works at Twitter and we're more or less online type people. We've been posting updates the entire time, so just seems natural for us. We don't have any family that is close by, so no risk of people we don't want at the labour trying to show up. 

I'm likely just going to call my Mom and let her know and then she can broadcast to the family as needed. I don't really feel any pressure in terms of time of labour, it's going to take as long as it takes. :)

[ibusymomto5]

The last couple of times we've waited till after the baby is here to call family and friends, and I like it much better that way. My mom is so sweet and non-intrusive, but I just hate feeling like a watched pot. My top priority when I go into labor is guarding my space, both physically and mentally. The minute anyone knows I'm in labor, whether it's the midwife, dh or family, then to some degree I feel like the center of attention and someone who is expected to perform or behave a certain way. For that reason, I even wait to call the midwife till I'm pretty sure the end is near. I just really like my privacy and labor best in that setting. Goodness, sometimes I don't even tell dh right away. One of my coping mechanisms for early labor is to ignore that I'm in labor and just go about my normal routine as long as I physically can. Besides, I usually have so much prodromal labor that I sometimes can't tell if it's the real deal or not, so by the time it is the real deal I've about given up hope and totally blow it off as warm up stuff.

[geekgolightly]

Originally Posted by ibusymomto5 

 One of my coping mechanisms for early labor is to ignore that I'm in labor and just go about my normal routine as long as I physically can.

I think I'm gonna try that. It sounds like I might have better control over myself that way. It does always wig me out when people are watchin me in pain. It seems like it exacerbates it or I feel less in control.

[Mama2mc]

Don't feel guilty!!! You don't have to be updating anyone, go with whatever YOU feel comfortable, I too love my privacy. 

Your mother sounds like my MIL, though mine's more demanding and controlling. A month before my due date, she wanted me to go live at her house so she could "take care of me", or so she said, it was more like "monitor, control and report to anyone who picks up the phone", of course I declined. She obviously wanted to be at the birth, but I had DH promise NOT to tell anyone I was in labor, even went as far as asking him not to tell anyone till a day AFTER baby was born; I really needed to rest and wasn't keen on having visitors. We compromised on him giving the news a few hours after the birth but telling them they were NOT TO COME till the next day. Thankfully they agreed, but the next day, MIL wanted to take my baby home with her, kept trying to prevent DH from taking time off to be with us (since in her mind, that would make me accept her help), demanded I immediately go back to work and leave her my child. None of that worked, so she tried to move in with us, DH wouldn't have it. Still she wouldn't give up, and for several weeks called every day (waking baby, not letting us rest) and demanded to "speak with her grandchild", ugh... and that's just a tiny example of why I don't like MIL.

[SallyNichole]

I don't think you should feel bad about your choice. It's your labor and your delivery. Having said that, I seem to be one of the few people here that plans on telling the world as soon as it's real labor. I just don't see it being a problem. For me, if someone wants to sit in a cramped waiting room for hours, well, those are their hours and they can spend them any way they want. But I also have no problem letting them just sit there without hour by hour updates. I'm focusing on me and not what everyone else is doing*

*and yes, I am fully aware that I've never done this before and I might be kidding myself about how well behaved they'll all be.

[gummibears]

Just my MIL since she's watching my son. She'll not be in the room with us, though. They will either get a hotel room in town or wait in the waiting area. DS is getting a DS game so he can play that when I go into labor. He doesn't know it yet, and he won't get it until I'm admitted to the hospital in labor so it'll be something new and exciting and keep him occupied while I'm in labor.

If anyone else is notified DH will do that and hopefully they will stay put (like they did with DS only now we are closer to them than we were before so I dunno...) My mom will be notified asap but she's out of state, so, she won't be breathing down our necks wanting in the room.