parental fears - Page 2

[expat-mama]

Yes about the having the possibility for "profound loss" like never before. So true.

I was  (and am still, a bit) sooo paranoid about DS dying of SIDS or suffocating somehow. My dh was a little worried about my fears but as DS has gotten older they've gotten better. I STILL check if he's breathing sometimes when he is sleeping. He just looks so darn still sometimes...hardly moving...it's terrifying! I don't know what I'd do if anything ever happened to him...

I'm also way more sensitive to stuff about kids and babies and I hate to hear babies crying now too. Actually, now that I think about it, I've developed a total distastedfor horror movies and the like.

I think these fears must be normal to some extent. It's so horribly scary to be a mama sometimes though.

[whozeyermamma]

I think it's no surprise that we become very sensitive to babies in general, crying, in pain, whether they are OUR babies, or not. It makes sense for the survival of the species. The other day I heard a baby crying in the supermarket and the mom harshly scolding him/her and it just tore me up. I also can't stand horror/scary movies/TV/books, etc.

... it's funny, FWIW - with the checking to see if they are still breathing ... I have to admit I've done this with my seven YEAR old (she slept past 8 am - unheard of!) so I guess it never goes away!

[St. Margaret]

I can relate. I worry about my baby's breathing (yeah and almost four yo's too) and I worry about someone taking my dd bc she runs around so much now and she freaks if she thinks she's lost me and I worry about her strangling herself. I try to avoid things that create the fears but I also feel it's part of my instincts kicking in, that in the jungle I'd be more aware and thinking ahead so that's all there is to it. My mom said, as I worried over my dd when she was a newborn, that it never ever ends but I think it does lessen.

And seriously I think the same thing about screaming kids in tv now!

[les_oiseau]

I was almost taken out by these kinds of fears, about 3 years ago.  Literally, I think the anxiety could have killed me. I was 3 months along and 98 pounds (healthy weight for me is 135). Since then I have learned to let my fears go, giving them to God.

[amyluster]

I had extreme fears as well after each of my babies were born, but certainly the most after our first (surviving) baby. We had suffered the extreme misfortune of our firstborn dying of a cord accident at 41 weeks gestation, so I was forever coming to terms with how little control we have in life and in protecting our precious babies. It sounds as if having such extreme fears is by no means the domain of bereaved parents alone.

One thing that's helped me understand these intrusive, irrational fears is to recognize they sometimes are the work of our own 'inner child'. We all have a very young (self-absorbed) part of us deep inside. Sometimes this part of us resents the disruption and demands that a newborn (solely in our care, so much of the time) places upon us. Sometimes these fears ("What if I dropped the baby?!") are an outgrowth of this baby part of ourselves coming up with all manner of fantasies in a moment of resentment. The more mature part of ourselves rejects such a notion, but the residue from it can remain as this fearful image.

Usually, just by my realizing that a little part of me is feeling overwhelmed, I can respond in a loving way. I treat myself to a phone call to a friend, a cup of tea or a warm bath when the opportunity presents itself. I've found just be accepting these fleeting thoughts from this 'infantile' part of myself and responding lovingly, they occurred less frequently. Fighting to surpress them takes such a lot of energy.

Best thoughts to all,

Amy

[1love4ever]

I have felt the same way since my DD was born, she's now almost 14 months old.  I used to check on her and make sure she was breathing ALL the time.  With my next I am doing baby wearing after reading the benefits of attachment parenting and the book The Continuum Concept by Jean Liedloff.  I also coslept with(and still do) my DD so I could always hear her breathing.  If she took too long between breaths I would wake up, honestly lol.

[NicolleLynne]

Originally Posted by amyluster 

I had extreme fears as well after each of my babies were born, but certainly the most after our first (surviving) baby. We had suffered the extreme misfortune of our firstborn dying of a cord accident at 41 weeks gestation, so I was forever coming to terms with how little control we have in life and in protecting our precious babies. It sounds as if having such extreme fears is by no means the domain of bereaved parents alone.

One thing that's helped me understand these intrusive, irrational fears is to recognize they sometimes are the work of our own 'inner child'. We all have a very young (self-absorbed) part of us deep inside. Sometimes this part of us resents the disruption and demands that a newborn (solely in our care, so much of the time) places upon us. Sometimes these fears ("What if I dropped the baby?!") are an outgrowth of this baby part of ourselves coming up with all manner of fantasies in a moment of resentment. The more mature part of ourselves rejects such a notion, but the residue from it can remain as this fearful image.

Usually, just by my realizing that a little part of me is feeling overwhelmed, I can respond in a loving way. I treat myself to a phone call to a friend, a cup of tea or a warm bath when the opportunity presents itself. I've found just be accepting these fleeting thoughts from this 'infantile' part of myself and responding lovingly, they occurred less frequently. Fighting to surpress them takes such a lot of energy.

Best thoughts to all,

Amy

What a fascinating perspective. I had two losses prior to my DD's birth, one in the first trimester and one in the second and I'm sure some of my fear stems from those experiences. While I know they cannot compare to a late, third trimester loss, I was nevertheless left feeling broken, out of control and like I had failed my babies on the deepest of levels. My pregnancy with DD was fraught with anxiety. I couldn't help thinking about bad things happening because bad things had already happened... It was so rough and now here I am still afraid and it kills me because I want these first years with DD to be filled with innocent lightness and joy.

Sometimes I just wish I could "un-know" things. I wish I didn't know about SIDS and childhood cancer rates and the five Amish children who were drowned when their buggy overturned, etc... These things and my fear of them just set up residence in my head and like you said, it's so very hard to pry them out. Like some PPs have mentioned I find it impossible to watch a movie or read a book where a child is hurt or in peril. I can't really take watching any violence at all anymore (not that I ever enjoyed violent books or movies but I used to be able to tolerate "PG-13" level stuff before DD's birth). Now I see someone being hurt and I think "That's some mother's son! Some father's daughter!" It wounds me mentally!

I just hope my resolve not to live in fear continues to strengthen until eventually I can just turn off the anxiety without even thinking about it. Right now it's a daily struggle but getting better all the time. I wish all of us dealing with these issues much love and the strength.

[sarahquinn]

I totally feel the same way and have those same thoughts. It seems like its normal from talking to other moms i know and it dosent sound like a problem. I think we just become more aware of the possible dangers and are more effected by the stories because we can now relate to them more. Its part of being a mother and even though it seems bothersome at times its definetly a good thing in the big picture.

[BlueSkyDay]

Originally Posted by NicolleLynne 

I can't really take watching any violence at all anymore (not that I ever enjoyed violent books or movies but I used to be able to tolerate "PG-13" level stuff before DD's birth). Now I see someone being hurt and I think "That's some mother's son! Some father's daughter!" It wounds me mentally!

This is exactly me.  I've had to walk away from movies depicting even teens in scary situations because that's somebody's "baby."   I do picture awful things happening to my child - usually related to the situation I'm in, like another poster said: I picture drowning when I'm near water, picture my son falling off the changing table and hitting his head when I'm changing his diaper.  He's 20 months old and it may have lessened a bit, but not too much.  As long as I'm with my son when one of these fears pop up, I don't mind.  I can just look at him, hug him tight, and know he's safe.

I honestly think it's a biological safety mechanism.  Our brains force us to think about the unthinkable in order to help prepare us to react in an emergency.  We fear bad things happening to others' children because we might one day be the parent to catch another mom's toddler falling off the slide.  It does take a village.

[chelsey1987]

yep I have the same problem.I am scared to be alone with my child because I keep thinking what if...what if something happens to her,what if she will cry and I will not know what to do,what if...

[Amanda1]

Thats good to know that other people think these things too. I think I had a bit of these thoughts before ds was born, like getting on a plane and picturing it crashing, but I learned to push these things out of my head and rationalize it with facts!

Probably more than worrying about something happening to DS I worry that something will happen to DH or me. I find myself thinking that if something ever happened to dh its good I took that video of them together, or a photo of them playing (what ever it is at the time). Or I get super sad thinking about if something happened to me how confused my poor baby would be, how would he eat? I feel like giving dh instructions on little things I want but I know he wouldnt like to hear it.

[neonalee]

Originally Posted by amyluster 

I had extreme fears as well after each of my babies were born, but certainly the most after our first (surviving) baby. We had suffered the extreme misfortune of our firstborn dying of a cord accident at 41 weeks gestation, so I was forever coming to terms with how little control we have in life and in protecting our precious babies. It sounds as if having such extreme fears is by no means the domain of bereaved parents alone.

One thing that's helped me understand these intrusive, irrational fears is to recognize they sometimes are the work of our own 'inner child'. We all have a very young (self-absorbed) part of us deep inside. Sometimes this part of us resents the disruption and demands that a newborn (solely in our care, so much of the time) places upon us. Sometimes these fears ("What if I dropped the baby?!") are an outgrowth of this baby part of ourselves coming up with all manner of fantasies in a moment of resentment. The more mature part of ourselves rejects such a notion, but the residue from it can remain as this fearful image.

Usually, just by my realizing that a little part of me is feeling overwhelmed, I can respond in a loving way. I treat myself to a phone call to a friend, a cup of tea or a warm bath when the opportunity presents itself. I've found just be accepting these fleeting thoughts from this 'infantile' part of myself and responding lovingly, they occurred less frequently. Fighting to surpress them takes such a lot of energy.

Best thoughts to all,

Amy

This really rang true for me, thank you for the post.  I've also found myself more worried lately, I think because my partner moved to a new state (I'm to follow in 7 weeks)  and I'm doing the single parent thing.  I find I'm afraid of driving and getting in an accident (because he always drove), and just a lot more stressed in general.  I'm going to try to remember this next time.  And now I'm going to go pick him up from daycare and give him lots of hugs and kisses!

[1stTimeMama4-4-10]

Originally Posted by amyluster 

I had extreme fears as well after each of my babies were born, but certainly the most after our first (surviving) baby. We had suffered the extreme misfortune of our firstborn dying of a cord accident at 41 weeks gestation, so I was forever coming to terms with how little control we have in life and in protecting our precious babies. It sounds as if having such extreme fears is by no means the domain of bereaved parents alone.

One thing that's helped me understand these intrusive, irrational fears is to recognize they sometimes are the work of our own 'inner child'. We all have a very young (self-absorbed) part of us deep inside. Sometimes this part of us resents the disruption and demands that a newborn (solely in our care, so much of the time) places upon us. Sometimes these fears ("What if I dropped the baby?!") are an outgrowth of this baby part of ourselves coming up with all manner of fantasies in a moment of resentment. The more mature part of ourselves rejects such a notion, but the residue from it can remain as this fearful image.

Usually, just by my realizing that a little part of me is feeling overwhelmed, I can respond in a loving way. I treat myself to a phone call to a friend, a cup of tea or a warm bath when the opportunity presents itself. I've found just be accepting these fleeting thoughts from this 'infantile' part of myself and responding lovingly, they occurred less frequently. Fighting to surpress them takes such a lot of energy.

Best thoughts to all,

Amy

My fears had nothing to do with resentment. For the first few months PP I was sometimes crippled with fear that horrible things would happen to me and to my baby at the same time.  It's actually a symptom of PPD when those intrusive thought  begin to interfere with your life.  I think it may be a primitive part of the brain preparing us for the potential loss of our infants - something  that was all too common until pretty recently. Women used to have lots of kids and not all of them were expected to survive.  I think our fears are linked to our biological need to protect but also to the psychological preparation for a possible loss. 

[teraze]

I've experienced all of this too.  I know SIDS and suffocation are tragic when they occur, but I'm so SO paranoid.  We bed-share and I still wake up, and sometimes wake up my 5-month old, just in case.  During day light instead of doing the nudge, I look for his breathing down near his belly where it's totally obvious.

And I know exactly what you mean about feeling emotion more acutely now that you have a child.  I read a news headline last night involving a toddler, and I was devastated.  I get so *angry* when I hear of people causing harm to children.  It's infuriating.  I was upset at this bad news prior to having my son of course, but I FEEL it so strongly.

Finally, those "errant thoughts" as I like to call them, only seem to be a problem to me at night.  When they consume me I tend to say my favorite prayer over and over in my head.  I usually fall to sleep doing that.  I imagine meditation works the same way.  Whatever works!

Thanks for the posts.

T