Gender and... Sadly... Diasappointment? - Page 3

[1stTimeMama4-4-10]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Italiamom 

I've still only told 2 people IRL, and they were thrilled.  But it almost made me feel worse that they were so much more excited than I was.  

I wouldn't give this too much thought. It would be incredibly bad etiquette for them to say, "oh you're having a girl, what a bummer!" They are likely just thrilled for you to have a baby and the gender doesn't matter a bit to them.  I'm sure they would have the exact same response if you were having a boy. I hear what you are saying though - you feel like you ought to have that excitement too, and you don't.  Give it time. It may not be until your girl is born, but I don't doubt for a second that you will cherish her when she is here. 

[frugalmum]

When I first started getting pregnant I did not want girls.  I don't like being around other women much, I find them catty, overly emotional, gossipy.  I find men to be a lot more straight forward and easier to deal with emotionally.  I especially didn't like young girls because they seemed so whiny, shrill, peevish.  I was thrilled when my first child was a boy.  DH and I went out to celebrate.  I was devastated when my second child was a girl.  Devastated when #3 was a girl.  Devastated when #4 was a girl, and when I found out #5 was a girl I was almost comatose with grief.  We wanted that second boy!  With each girl it took various lengths of time to get over the grief-- with some it was more difficult than with others, but yes, of course I love them all now, as much as I love my boy.

Then after girl #4 I had two things happen.  I received a poor prenatal diagnosis with my 6th child and had to have genetic testing.  The testing revealed that the diagnosis was wrong, but, it was a girl.  For the first time I didn't really care.  Having the weight of the diagnosis lifted felt miraculous and beautiful and when she was born it was like I was handed a treasure straight from god. 

Then with my 7th child, I lost her in the second trimester.  Initially, knowing it was not that boy we had been waiting for made it easier-- but after a week or so all I wanted was that little girl back!

Now I am pregnant again and, yep, I'll be disappointed if it's NOT a girl!  I know you said not to say "just be thankful to have a healthy living child" but as someone who has been through many, many gender disappointments, I can tell you that's the point I'm at now.  Ultimately it really does not matter!  What we should all be praying for is a child with kindness, a moral conscience, and a moral compass.  This is not to try to make you feel bad, because believe me I know where you are coming from!  So don't beat yourself up.  But i promise it will be ok no matter which gender you have.

[cat13]

I just read this and thought of you. Just wanted to share it.

[Buddhamom]

I have to say, ALL girls are different as are their relationships with parents.  I feel I can say this since I am preg. with girl #4 and the age ranges are 21 yrs, 19 yrs, 6 yrs, and due in June.  So, having already raised two girls to adulthood I can give you my take. My oldest has ALWAYS been a tom boy and still is.  She is more self reliant and not a woman you would mess with *LOL*  Number two is in college for ped. nursing and is still sort of clingy and needy.  However, she is my best friend!!!!  She is throwing my baby shower and will attend the birth. She is more on the feminine side but not all make up and stuff at all.  Number 3 is VERY much Daddy's girl and a princess.  Pink and purple everything. My point is no matter what their charachteristics are you will always worry about them and want to protect them at ANY age.  I am from a family of all girls and at 40 my Dad STILL tries to make things easy and protect me. He says he worries more now that I am an adult because he doesn't see me every day.  But I am sure it is the same way with boys.  The best you can do is teach them right, give them a good foundation, be a good listener, give advice gently and then set them free and watch them soar.  If they fall, pick them back up, not judge their mistake and let them go out again.  Most of all, cut yourself some slack and talk to someone about your feelings before they eat you up inside.  Just know that she will love you just the way you are!

[1stTimeMama4-4-10]

Quote:

Originally Posted by cat13 

I just read this and thought of you. Just wanted to share it.

Great blog!  Love it thank you for posting.

[Marissamom]

Originally Posted by Smokering 

Well, if it helps at all, I like my mother. :p

And frankly, I have concerns a little similar to yours about raising a son! It's not easy being a boy in this world either. I'm worried he'll be labelled "girly" or "sissy" if he likes quiet, sedentary pursuits (like DH and my father both did as kids, and got horribly teased for it - heck, Dad has a permanent disfigurement from being bullied as a kid, and that incident might well not have happened if he'd been a girl); I'm worried he might absorb sexist attitudes despite everything I can do; I'm worried he'll feel bad about expressing his emotions, because "manly" men don't; I'm worried I won't know how to handle him if he turns out to be a rough-and-tumble, sporty kid (genetically unlikely, but who knows!); I'm worried about dealing with puberty, dealing with his potentially different learning styles... heck, I'm even worried about his increased likelihood of having autism, and changing his nappies!

ditto on both those. though I think I've gotten changing a boy down in the 3.5 weeks since my son was born. 

I was pretty dissapointed to find out I was having a boy. I've never been able to picture raising a boy. over the months between the ultrasound and giving birth I slowly adjusted to the idea of having a boy. I'm still worried about it, but I know we'll muddle through. and when he was born I did instantly fall in love with him (and with my DD I didn't feel bonded with her until she was about a month old, go figure). 

[hildare]

But the world at large makes immediate assumptions about capacity and personality based on whether you're male or female.  And I'm crushed about it.

A penis or a vagina tells ME nothing about who my child will be.  But it tells teachers, employers, and peers how they will relate to my daughter.  Whether they'll call on her first in math class, whether they'll hire her as a mechanic, whether she is valued for more than her looks.  And I realize that good teachers are not this way (and I know they are out there), and I know that good employers put achievement before sex (and that they are out there too), and that friends worth having would put brains, wit, and passion before looks.  But the good for women in this world is so, so much sparser than the bad.

Those are my other worries.  That this child feels like a lesson, not a blessing.  That of the dozens and dozens of women who I know well enough to know about their relationships with their mothers, only two of them are actually friends with those mothers in their 30's.  I spent my entire life not liking my mother.  In my teenage years, I hated her.  And still, as an adult, I would much rather speak distantly with her on the phone than actually see her in real life.  And the vast majority of women I know feel the same way about their mothers.  They love them, but they don't like them.

Couple all of those very complex fears with my petty feelings about little girls -- total disgust at baby girl clothes (ick), my total aversion to anything "girlie" (except horses... they are just awesome), and my experiences with little girls (not so great) -- and it's just one very large, emotional mess.  I'm trying to find the positives in a little girl, beyond just that she'll be mine, and be awesome...  And they're not coming.

I want to be liked.  And I didn't want to spend my child's lifetime trying to undo the messages about body, capability, and self-esteem that the world will bombard her with as soon as she's old enough to think.  And I don't want to have pink anything in my house.  I feel like having a daughter means simply asking to spend a lifetime of watching the world shit on your kid...

You don't have to fill your house with pink.  You don't "have to" anything at all.  I had those same fears.  Of course I did, I'm a woman.  and a feminist.  and, oddly, as an older mom, i've seen some things actually get worse for women over time.  With our dd, we decided not to find out the sex.  I absolutely get where you're coming from.  It's a challenge.  My dh fortunately feels the same as I do/did - even more so, sometimes.  We're pretty extreme, though.  We dress dd in colorful clothing that isn't associated with genderfication of clothes and she has cars and a doll.  Despite what some people will tell you, she doesn't seem to display a preference on way or another for anything.  When people say a child is "all boy" or whatever, it totally makes me laugh.  From my perspective, that is totally and completely a socialized idealistic concept on the part of those parents, but anyway. 

I like to read things on gender & sex.  If you want to PM me, I'll send you my bloglist.  There actually is an awful lot of fun stuff out there to read. 

and don't worry.  your daughter is going to kick ass.  her mama does ;)
 

[Owen'nZoe]

I haven't read all of the replies yet, but wanted to tell you that I had similar feelings 5 years ago when I found out my second child would be a boy, just like my first. I had pictured myself as a mom of a boy and a girl, and knew I wouldn't be having more children, so this was the last chance for a girl. I cried for a couple days after we had the ultrasound, and at the same time felt horrible guilt and shame over my reaction.

Finally, I got up enough courage to talk to a friend about my feelings. She was also pregnant with her second son at the time. She said she had felt the exact same way, and finally made peace with her feelings when she realized she wasn't sad about her child as much as she was mourning the loss of a dream she had had for a long time about what her family would look like and what her parenting experience would be like. I loved that way of looking at it, because it switched the issue from being about a sweet,innocent baby to being an issue with my expectations.

I didn't feel very attached to the baby through the pregnancy, but I think part of that is just because I had a toddler who took all of my focus and energy. But when he was born, I loved him to pieces, and wouldn't have traded him for girl had I been given the chance. He's just perfect and is one of the greatest joys of my life.

[Juniperberry]

Hey, just wanted to say that you're not alone in your feelings. I had a hard time with I found out ds2 was another boy and had a hard time connecting to him for the rest of the pregnancy and also after birth. I felt horrible and miserable... I remember my OH saying the day after his birth, 'why are you putting him down so much? with ds1 you wouldn't hardly let him go!' that kinda slapped me and I really had to make an effort to bond. Now I feel ashamed when I look back at the way I felt, and I love ds2 just as much as ds1. But I'm now pregnant again with number 3 and I'm really trying to work on myself psychologically and getting ready to find out the gender. I have a gut feeling it's a boy, and I just want to be excited and happy with that.The way I'm trying to look at it now is that I will be disappointed if it's not a girl, but I won't be disappointed if it's a boy.  If you haven't already, go and check out the In Gender forums. They've helped me a lot. Good luck hun.

[Mizelenius]

I want to add- maybe part of this is feeling alone while your DH is on bedrest?  I think sometimes stress in our lives magnifies EVERYTHING.

I have four girls.  I am terrified of thinking of my girls in terms of their physical safety, esp as they get older. . . ugh!

However, this is where my worries end.  I do not, for one second, think they will be held back by being females.  I know that my husband and I encourage them in everything.  One of our daughters loves math.  She is still in school (my oldest is homeschooled) and they recognized this . . .she is getting advanced work for both reading and math.  My oldest loves science and literature . . .she is homeschooled now, but never because she was thought of as "less than" at school.  On the contrary-- she got so much support and encouragement to use her intellect.

Girls are very different from each other.  My oldest never liked princesses, for example.  She went to a fairy birthday party dressed like a cat!  One of my girls is very physical, and NEEDS that rough and tumble play.  None of them like horses in particular!    Do you know who is the hero of my two eldest? ELPHABA from Wicked.  My oldest esp. relates to her . . .being very smart, loving animals, etc.  I can't tell you how many times she's read the libretto.  I am not saying she is like a boy, but she is not trying to be a girl.   She is just being who she is. 

Clothes do not have to be girlie.  Check out Zutano.  But you know, I encourage you to have some fun puffy dresses around the house.  Your son might even like to wear them . . .many children like sparkly clothing and purses, gender aside.

HOWEVER, I think is sad is that people think things like pink is a bad thing.  Pink was actually a BOY color, and blue was for girls, FYI, about 100 yrs ago. I do not like people to put down "girlie" things for girls, because they are saying, "For you to count, you need to prefer masculine things."  IMO, this is pretty bad attitude and one I hope no one passes onto their children-- there is no harm in girls OR boys liking dolls, horses, being empathetic, the color pink, etc.  I read something on an unschooling site that said something like, "Playing with Barbies never would have done me harm.  It was my mother discouraging me from playing with them that did it . . ."  I can relate to this-- if we pass on messages to our children that what they prefer is "bad" because it is "typical" of their gender, then we are in essence, putting down that gender.

Again, it is not about making our children into something they are not just to dismiss or contradict stereotypes.   We need to support who they are. 

[Kindermama]

 That this child feels like a lesson, not a blessing

Why can't she be both! Lessons are blessings. They open your mind and your heart to love, to forgiveness and to freedom. I would get down to work on some of these gender issues you carry around in your heart. Search out the fear---what's really there and how can you work with it so you can move through it. It's best to work on them now before you project them into your dd's reality in the future. Let's face it, having a mother who is fearful about her gender could be just as disempowering as any treatment she would get from the outside world based on her gender. Girls need powerful women as role models! The world isn't safe, period! Boy or Girl, Man or Woman. It's a sad world but love always wins. Don't be afraid to love her Mama! Your love is the first shield of armor for her when she faces the world as a woman! 

[imogenlily]

Originally Posted by Kindermama 

 That this child feels like a lesson, not a blessing

Why can't she be both! Lessons are blessings. They open your mind and your heart to love, to forgiveness and to freedom.

Hey, thanks for posting this. I really appreciate it.

[babynumber2]

I know it has been a while since anyone has posted on this, but I am having the same type of issues and just found this in a search.  I am so glad that you have had all of these wonderful comments, because I have not been so lucky.  The best part is...they are all right!!!!!  We all have our natural fears when it comes to our children because of the beliefs we have about that certain gender.  For me it is boys.  I have one son already who I adore more than anything and just found out that the baby I am carrying is another boy. I havent stopped crying in 3 weeks.

To give a little background about why I have concerns about boys.  For me it isnt the baby stage....as your concerns for your daughter growing up, I have many for my sons.  I have had some traumatic experiences with men in my life.  It started with watching my father abuse my mother as a child.  I went on as an adult to be rapped, stalked, abused physically and verbally, had a knife held to my throat by a boyfriend, and many more things that could be listed.  When I conceived this baby I was trying to get out of a not so great relationship.  Even though I loved him, I knew it wasnt a good situation.  How stupid of me to get pregnant in the first place. Three days after finally leaving him I found out I was pregnant.  I had thoughts about adoption from day one, but for some reason in my mind as long as it was a girl I wouldnt have to worry and I wouldnt think about adoption.  So, I talked myself into this baby being a girl.  I know it sounds crazy, but thats how I could cope.  When I found out that it was a boy I had a complete meltdown. 

I know it sounds crazy, but I have this thought in my head that no matter how a boy is raised they all turn out to be abusive men who hurt women.  I am so scared that these babies who I love and took care of wont grow up to be good men, but like the ones that I have had in my life instead.  In my head it doesnt matter how I raise them or how much I keep them away from the bad men out in the world.  Even though I know that is such a pathetic way to think!  I just cant get it out of my head.  I dont know how to stop it!!!  I dont want to feel this way!

Three days after finding out he was a "he" my cousin got into a bad motorcycle accident and has massive head injuries and broken neck. They told us to say our goodbyes and have his last rights read to him.  He is still fighting and has come a long way, but they dont know if he will ever be even close to normal.  He is blind they know and has so many brain injuries that they dont know how much he will be able to function.  When I visit him in the hospital I cry not only because it is so hard to see him that way, but that I cant imagine that being my son.  I see the pain my aunt has and I know the love she has for him, and it is the same love I have for my son that I have now.  So, that makes me feel guilty on top of already feeling like a bad person for having these feelings!  I KNOW I will love this baby!  Why cant I get these thoughts out of my head that both my boys with grow to be "those kind" of men??  And I cant let those fears run my life, but as I have said I cant stop them.

Anyway, I know you didnt want my story, but I wanted you to know that you are NOT alone and your reasonings for those feelings are justified to you.  Nobody can tell you that you shouldnt feel that way.  Until they have been in your head they cannot understand.  Luckily so many of these wonderful laides on here didnt try to make you feel bad, but tried to make you feel better.  They are right!

[Snugglebugmom]

Originally Posted by babynumber2 

Anyway, I know you didnt want my story, but I wanted you to know that you are NOT alone 

Neither are you. Many, many, many hugs to you. I am so sorry you are in such a tough spot. But you know what? A mom as sweet and caring as you is going to raise wonderful, sensitive boys into wonderful, sensitive men. It's mamas like you that help create the men we all love and respect. 

[babynumber2]

Thank you.  I hope you are right. I am trying to look at it like God gave me these boys to show me it is how they are raised and you can bring them up to be good men who dont cause nothing but hurt.  I also have arthritis so bad that I have deformities to my hands and feet, so now when I get older and it gets even worse I will have 2 helpers.  My oldest helps me all the time and he is 7.  He has some issues himself, but I know he has a heart of gold.  It is just hard for me with my view of men to think that as much as I know my kids will be good kids, that they wont be bad men.  I only know mostly bad men. Its hard for me to see there are good ones out there and thats what my boys will be like.  I know there are good ones out there because everyone tells me there are!  I just have to have faith that my boys will be the ones to show me that.

Thank you for your kind words.  It helps when all the other things I have heard have been pretty terrible.

[cat13]

Originally Posted by Snugglebugmom 

Neither are you. Many, many, many hugs to you. I am so sorry you are in such a tough spot. But you know what? A mom as sweet and caring as you is going to raise wonderful, sensitive boys into wonderful, sensitive men. It's mamas like you that help create the men we all love and respect. 

  Sometimes I think that the best way to stop the violence in our society is to start being conscientious on how we raise our boys in this culture. It sounds like you are already doing that with your DS1 and plan on it with DS2.

[babynumber2]

Thank you!  I am trying.  Luckily my son I already have has never seen or heard any of the violence and I wont allow either of my sons down the road to meet any man that I date until I know they are the kind of man I want influencing their little minds.  I want to do everything I can to make sure they turn out to be the good ones.

[Gemini529]

Wow, I'm so sorry to read all of these horrible things people have experienced with both men and women in their lives!  To the more recent poster, all I can say is that the majority of men I've encountered in my life have NOT been abusive, sexist or mean.  I hope for your children's sake that you can begin to surround yourself with more positive men because they ARE out there!  

To the OP, I have to say that my personal experiences in the world have been different.  I had the exact opposite worry when I found out I was having a boy and I am scared that I could now possibly be pregnant with another boy and will never get to raise a daughter!  

I have been a high school teacher for quite a few years now and have worked with ALL different learning levels, from Special Ed to Advanced Placement.  I have to say that the experience I have had was actually the complete opposite from your mental picture.  Things have changed a lot in terms of education and gender, even since I was in school, and I'm in my late 20's.  The top 10% at our school is actually mostly girls.  Most of the girls go on to college, while many of the boys recently have chosen other paths.  Our GED and at risk program are made up of 90% boys and almost all of the kids who drop out are boys.  And a very large percentage of boys who graduate with poor grades tend to enter into, you guessed it, the military!  I have watched countless boys who, within months of turning 18, have been shipped off to war.  Talk about a scary thought for a mom!!  

At our school, the lower level classes are also mostly boys, and many of them have the potential to do better, but are more interested in showing off and being "bad."  It is actually very sad and disheartening to see what has happened to the boys.  It seems like those who are cut from the sports teams, but aren't straight A students tend to choose the path of partying, skipping school and drugs.  (FWIW, I'm not teaching in a bad school district...this is actually the heart of suberbia!)

My husband, in an attempt to "show off" in front of his friends, ended up in a very serious accident and in a coma in high school. He always talks about coming home with black eyes and bloody noses from fights he got into with other guys in grade school.  That kind of thing terrifies me when it comes to boys!

I also come from a family where my sister and I are VERY close with our mom, and our brother is actually kind of distant.  I constantly have to text him with things like, "It's mom's birthday...CALL HER!!!"  Or "Mom is worried because you haven't called her back in days, please CALL HER!!"  While I would feel so weird if I went even one day without talking to her!  My husband and his brothers are the same way with their mom (I have to remind him to call her on Mother's Day, etc).

Now believe me, I know what you mean about protecting girls from the media, etc.  My sister and I have both struggled with eating disorders and I still feel crappy when I see women dancing around looking perfect in music videos.  But men get that, too nowadays.  For every girl you see at the gym trying to achieve the perfect figure on the eliptical machine, there's a guy standing in front of the mirror obsessing about how his abs are flabby and his biceps are puny.   

OK sorry my post has gone off on several tangents, but I just wanted to say that there are two sides to the coin here.  Anyone can struggle in this world.  It's a cruel place for everyone at times, and the most we can do is be there for our kids and teach them the skills to deal when the bad stuff happens.

[littlejenh]

I want to thank each and every one of you for your thoughtful responses. And, OP, if you're still reading this, thank you for your honesty. I could have written your words (if I were more articulate), and reading them was like looking in the mirror. The kindness and openness that I've seen in this thread is amazing and I feel a lot more hopeful after reading it than I have since I found out that I'm expecting a little girl.

[mamadonna]

I was just browsing around this morning and found this thread and I'm grateful to the OP, the person who bumped the thread recently, and to each person who's posted on it.  I just read (and cried) my way through the whole thing.  I hadn't even fully realized the burden of my own feelings and what it's been like to carry them around silently within myself these last couple months until I read through this thread and they all came rocketing to the surface.  In my case, I've had to come to terms with a surprise pregnancy after having come to terms with the fact that we were "done" only a number of months ago.  But I'm also terrified about gender.  I have two boys in a family full of boys.  EVERYONE (except me--that's my big secret) wants a girl.  I'm alternately terrified it will be a girl and worried it will be a third boy.  I've also spent a lot of time angry that I spent so many months shaping the vision of my family to what it was only now to be faced with reshaping it to what it will be.  And, yet, I haven't been able to voice my fear to anyone irl and so I've just harbored it.  So I appreciate having read through this thread very much and the courage it's given me to admit all these conflicting feelings I'm having and the understanding that it's okay to have these feelings.