How do I handle this? Help quick please!!! - Page 2

[waiting2bemommy]

Originally Posted by daniedb 

There is a history of questionable behavior apart from sexual abuse allegations. A serious question: why do so many other women seem more concerned about your boy than you do? Maybe it's your writing style, maybe it's a lack of being f2f, but you seem defensive and minimize things when you receive responses. Would you consider thinking about that?

It's not that. I have posted threads about various issues before and each time people seem to jump straight to criminalizing my DP when they may or may not have the whole story. It's impossible I think to present a completely accurate picture, with ALL details, on a message board. Because of that I guess I'm trying to head it off this time. Each time that my DP has been accused of whatever, I have diligently followed through "just in case." Each time, it has been proven (by unbiased professionals) that while he might have had to grow into his role as father a bit, he is not abusive in any way. I mean, I want to protect my children, and of course there is no doubt that I would choose them over anyone else (hence why I cut my parents off). But how many times does he have to be raked over the coals *just* because he is the "boyfriend" and therefore he *must* be at fault for whatever is wrong with my ds. You have to excuse me if I'm not jumping up and down with excitement at the thought of blaming him once again.

Oddly enough, when I was on the phone with my friend (who has 3 kids) I told her what had happened (freaking out to her rather than ds), and she  thought I was overreacting and was actually laughing. So I thought it must be me. (She is a great mom who usually has excellent judgment regarding her kids)

[NannyMcPhee]

You should take this post down and take your kid to the ER.

I was wondering why your DP would ''hit the roof''?

[LynnS6]

Two possible explanations (I'm sure there are more):

He's been sexually abused by someone other than you or your dp. Any possibility that another person did this? I know you've been cleared by CPS, but I'm wondering if something happened at your mom's? Your current living situation?

Another possibility is that he's doing it because it feels good. It happened by accident once, and he likes how it feels. That's not out of the realm of possibility.

I'm hoping that your therapist can get to the bottom of it. Until then, keep him and the dog separate. Buy him a belt  or suspenders (harder to get your pants down).

[Chamomile Girl]

I don't know all of the OP's history, but I think most of the posters here are waaaaayyyyy overreacting. I'm guessing that the kid learned that it felt good for the dog to lick him when he got licked after the bath you mentioned. So as a PP postulated he is now seeking out that feeling good behavior. How is that not normal? Little kids masturbate all the time. Sheesh people.

What I would be worried about is the dog biting him there. You might want to talk to him about that possibility.

[gbailey]

Doesn't it concern you in the least bit that your partner has been accused several times? Please use all of the energy you seem to have for defending your DP to finding out what is happening with your precious baby. Your DP is an adult but a three year old is helpless to what may be occurring here. It's not funny for a child to have an animal lick his private area and to continue to do it. Frankly, I'm shocked CPS in your state was so quick to close the case. They're normally very thorough and take allegations of abuse very seriously. It seems like your DS is falling through the cracks in someway and I pray an intervention on his behalf happens right away.
 

Originally Posted by waiting2bemommy 

It's not that. I have posted threads about various issues before and each time people seem to jump straight to criminalizing my DP when they may or may not have the whole story. It's impossible I think to present a completely accurate picture, with ALL details, on a message board. Because of that I guess I'm trying to head it off this time. Each time that my DP has been accused of whatever, I have diligently followed through "just in case." Each time, it has been proven (by unbiased professionals) that while he might have had to grow into his role as father a bit, he is not abusive in any way. I mean, I want to protect my children, and of course there is no doubt that I would choose them over anyone else (hence why I cut my parents off). But how many times does he have to be raked over the coals *just* because he is the "boyfriend" and therefore he *must* be at fault for whatever is wrong with my ds. You have to excuse me if I'm not jumping up and down with excitement at the thought of blaming him once again.

Oddly enough, when I was on the phone with my friend (who has 3 kids) I told her what had happened (freaking out to her rather than ds), and she  thought I was overreacting and was actually laughing. So I thought it must be me. (She is a great mom who usually has excellent judgment regarding her kids)

[NewDirections]

Originally Posted by waiting2bemommy 

It's not that. I have posted threads about various issues before and each time people seem to jump straight to criminalizing my DP when they may or may not have the whole story. It's impossible I think to present a completely accurate picture, with ALL details, on a message board. Because of that I guess I'm trying to head it off this time. Each time that my DP has been accused of whatever, I have diligently followed through "just in case." Each time, it has been proven (by unbiased professionals) that while he might have had to grow into his role as father a bit, he is not abusive in any way. I mean, I want to protect my children, and of course there is no doubt that I would choose them over anyone else (hence why I cut my parents off). But how many times does he have to be raked over the coals *just* because he is the "boyfriend" and therefore he *must* be at fault for whatever is wrong with my ds. You have to excuse me if I'm not jumping up and down with excitement at the thought of blaming him once again.

Oddly enough, when I was on the phone with my friend (who has 3 kids) I told her what had happened (freaking out to her rather than ds), and she  thought I was overreacting and was actually laughing. So I thought it must be me. (She is a great mom who usually has excellent judgment regarding her kids)

Is this the same partner that tried to smother your son with a pillow?

[marinak1977]

OP, on a serious note, I do think you should ask for this thread to be removed. This is just the kind of stuff that feeds internet creeps' imagination.

Also, the OP mentioned that DS is going to the therapist tomorrow. And before everyone jumps on her DP, remember that she just cut off really toxic parents that may have done something to her son, (he coslept with them, he used to wet the bed, and stopped when the OP left and cut off her toxic mother). A lot of abuse allegations came from the OP's parents and were made in the spirit of revenge.

[waiting2bemommy]

to answer some posters, by "hit the roof" I was worried that dp would take a punitive approach about it. fwiw, he was shocked but just said that we should talk to the psych before we talk to ds. he says that he was sexually aware at an early age but that he never did anything like that and it concerns him.

as far as it being funny, the other occasions we kind of shook our heads and chuckled over him in private. i didn't laugh in front of him so as t encourage it. it was more freak coincidence so it didnt strike me as worrisome, just another "ew, 3 yr old boys are gross" kind of thing.

as far as living situations go, we moved from where we were living (which was too communal for my liking, but ds was never alone there) to a new apartment. We don't know any of our neighbors well and ds doesn't go in any of their houses. We did have a sitter but that was just this past weekend and the first dog licking incident was before that.

He has not seen my parents since the CPS case was closed and that time they could not find any evidence that he had been molested by either of them.

He has been to preschool, to my one friend's house, and other than at with DP or I all the time. I honestly don't know where he could have been molested. I really, truly don't. and my gut does not tell me that this is abuse related. Ds has lots of weird behaviors that are socially unacceptable, but most of them are tolerable (or I just don't take him to those places where it will be an issue.) 

He was recently diagnosed with Asperger's, ADHD, sensory integration disorder, and unofficially with anxiety.

[waiting2bemommy]

Originally Posted by gbailey 

Doesn't it concern you in the least bit that your partner has been accused several times? . Frankly, I'm shocked CPS in your state was so quick to close the case. They're normally very thorough and take allegations of abuse very seriously.

Well sure it would concern me if it was someone other than my nut case mother who was accusing him.

What do you think CPS should have done that they didn't do? Invent something just to make my mother feel good?

If 2 psychologists, an in home counselor (for my PPD), an entire preschool staff (at his old montessori school), numerous friends and acquaintances, a pediatrician, a developmental pediatirician, a team of 4 specialists (including a social worker) doing an evaluation, 2 CPS case workers, and a play therapist couldn't find anything wrong, should I doggedly continue to put ds and DP through numerous assessments and interviews because he is "falling through the cracks"? I wholeheartedly agree that CPS fails sometimes (many times). But you simply cannot create something where there is nothing.

[gbailey]

I pray your son is not being abused. I truly hope he's not but clearly there are problems. Whether it's sexual abuse hasn't been founded but something is occurring with your son that isn't okay. And no, CPS should not have invented something to make your mother feel good but they should have kept an open case until there is some consistency and/or resolution to your sons issues. 
 

Originally Posted by waiting2bemommy 

Well sure it would concern me if it was someone other than my nut case mother who was accusing him.

What do you think CPS should have done that they didn't do? Invent something just to make my mother feel good?

If 2 psychologists, an in home counselor (for my PPD), an entire preschool staff (at his old montessori school), numerous friends and acquaintances, a pediatrician, a developmental pediatirician, a team of 4 specialists (including a social worker) doing an evaluation, 2 CPS case workers, and a play therapist couldn't find anything wrong, should I doggedly continue to put ds and DP through numerous assessments and interviews because he is "falling through the cracks"? I wholeheartedly agree that CPS fails sometimes (many times). But you simply cannot create something where there is nothing.

[waiting2bemommy]

I don't know what exactly you are looking for, here. They can't keep an open case just because. The case was opened because of abuse allegations. The allegations were untrue, hence, the case was closed.

When you speak of consistency or resolution, can you spell out exactly what you would have deemed acceptable to close the case? 

[gbailey]

Frankly, I'm not going to bother. Anything I say you'll have some defense to it and going back and forth on MDC is not going to help your son. What I think isn't important but what's going on with your beautiful  baby is. 
 

Originally Posted by waiting2bemommy 

I don't know what exactly you are looking for, here. They can't keep an open case just because. The case was opened because of abuse allegations. The allegations were untrue, hence, the case was closed.

When you speak of consistency or resolution, can you spell out exactly what you would have deemed acceptable to close the case? 

[carlylovesthesims2]

i agree  this is  not something to put on the net and its sick that this is happening both to the little boy and the dog!!!!

[Ornery]

If I remember correctly, you allow your 3 yr old to play outside on his own quite often, or used to regularly.  Could something have happened while he was on his own?  I'm not one to jump to abuse allegations but this really sounds quite concerning.  And just because he has been interviewed and it has been determined that he wasn't abused doesn't mean that he couldn't have been exposed to things he shouldn't have been.  I know nothing about your partner or your parents and that situation, I'm thinking of him roaming in the neighborhood and playing with older boys who might have encouraged behavior like this or exposed him to things that were completely inappropriate.

No matter where this came from, it sounds like he needs help.  I've been around a ton of three yr old boys and have many friends who have them or have had them and none of them can even fathom this.  I can't imagine NOT being shocked the first time it happened.

Also, please do remove this thread if possible or delete the details.  With his photo in your avatar and this kind of info posted about him, I would think it would be way too easy for a predator to take advantage.

[ssh]

I agree with this. Have you told you DS that the dog could bite him? He probably hasn't thought of it. 

Also you should really delete details since some creep could come across it through google.
 

Originally Posted by Chamomile Girl 

I don't know all of the OP's history, but I think most of the posters here are waaaaayyyyy overreacting. I'm guessing that the kid learned that it felt good for the dog to lick him when he got licked after the bath you mentioned. So as a PP postulated he is now seeking out that feeling good behavior. How is that not normal? Little kids masturbate all the time. Sheesh people.

What I would be worried about is the dog biting him there. You might want to talk to him about that possibility.

[DariusMom]

Originally Posted by waiting2bemommy 

It's not that. I have posted threads about various issues before and each time people seem to jump straight to criminalizing my DP when they may or may not have the whole story.

Sure, but when you've posted desperate messages about him terrifying your then two year old son, trying to smother him, etc., etc. it can be a bit hard not to "criminalize" him!

[Magali]

I saw this last night before I wet to bed.  I have been thinking about it ever since.  My first reaction to seeing this behaviour in my 3 year old would be worry.  I would look long and hard at who my son had been around in the last 6 months and be very concerned that some abuse had happened.  Then I would also look at the other side and think...ok, well maybe he discovered this on his own.  But I can't imagine I would think it is funny AT ALL.  I would absolutely keep the dog separated from my son.  If your son can't keep the dog away from his private areas YOU need to step in and keep them apart!!!  Not only is it disgusting, but it is very dangerous cause the dog could bite your son's penis.  You owe it to your son to make sure that this doesn't happen again.  It's not some funny story you tell his future girlfriends/boyfriends!  If my mom told me I did that I would be sickened.  I am glad that you are seeing a therapist soon, I hope he/she doesn't pass this off as nothing.

I also understand how you do not want to shame your son.  But this isn't harmless, normal,age appropriate exploration. 

[Magali]

I  just want to add...even though someone has been cleared for abuse by CPS, it doesn't mean that there has been no abuse.  Bottom line is that you need to protect your son.

[waiting2bemommy]

In a rush now because I have to get ds ready for school, but I will come back later to edit my original post as many of you have wisely suggested.

Also, DP did not smother my ds at any point in time. I would appreciate it if people could stick to the facts.

thirdly, please remember I have a toddler dd who sleeps in the bed with her dad and I every night. If there was one iota of doubt in my mind about him this would not be taking place. I myself was sexually abused as a child, and raped as an adult and I still struggle with the effects daily, so this is not something that I take lightly AT ALL. Please believe me when I say that if this were within the realm of possibility I would happily put him out on the street butt a$$ naked before letting my child be touched inappropriately. I do NOT find abuse funny or trivial and I do NOT think the dog situation is ha ha lol funny. If I did, I wouldn't have posted about it! My initial reaction to the bath time incident and my feelings now are very different. 

Let me just add that if I were to find out that someone had molested my ds, there would not be enough time for the police to get to that person before I seriously hurt or killed them. If someone messes with my family it is WAR. Look at what happened when my mom called CPS on me.....cut her off immediately, no more seeing her grandchildren, no talking to them on the phone, she does not even know where we live. I don't even let her *friends* see my kids in case they might pass information back to her. Not only that, but I let people she is close with know what she did, and that she is vindictive and not to be trusted. I DO NOT PLAY when it comes to my kids. After what happened to me as a child I would murder someone who did it to my kid.

[junipermoon]

Well, so many evaluations trying to suss out if there was abuse is itself enough to cause a small child quite a bit of confusion.  Not saying you shouldn't keep him in therapy--I think you should definitely continue with it--I was just pointing out that all of the worry and investigations over his symptoms, compounded with the normal developmental curiousities and explorations around genitals and so on, is bound to kindle up a lot of confusion. 

And that is assuming nothing actually happened to him in the first place--but obviously, as you know, something might have happened and these behaviors might be reactive in that regard, and that could certainly be playing a role too.  

As an adoptive parent of a later-aged child with sexually reactive behaviors and I will say that many years of both play therapy and specialized therapy for junior offenders never uncovered a narrative about what actually happened.  Nor was that the goal per se.  Rather, you want to work with the child to process his current feelings and urges--as they are currently presenting--and work with him to help him to develop normal boundaries and normal behaviors around this stuff.  So assuming you are SURE he is not currently being abused and was not sexually abused by your partner, I think this is where you go from here.  It takes a long time so be patient and don't expect a quick fix. 

My advice:

1. I do think you need to re-home your dog immediately.  Unquestionably, hon.  It is very sad but not the end of the world and if the dog becomes sexualized it will need to be put down--also I think it is the best short term solution to your situation because it will prevent your son from either repeating the behavior or from thinking about wanting to repeat the behavior.  After the third incident, and in light of all the other issues surrounding the situation, this one seems non negotiable to me.  Put an ad up and pay a friend to foster the dog temporarily until you find a forever home for your friend.  

2. Line of sight supervision in your home--by you or your sitter--at all times.  No more "go in your room/outside and play."  Because you are setting up a situation where he will stew in his own juices/be left to the wolves to sort out or act out the drama/trauma on his own.  This would be a recipe for entrenching these behaviors.   You do not want these behaviors to escalate or to be going down outside of your radar.  DO NOT let him play outside alone, in his room alone, etc.  Use time ins instead of time outs.  Plan preschool age activities at the home to keep him busy so when he wants to go off away from you you have something up your sleeve to keep him near you and engaged.  Plan on doing this for at least a year--modeling the behaviors you want him to pick up on and preventing the ones that are not ok, and it WILL help to rewire his brain.  I promise you.  It can only help. 

3.  Get support for you.  This won't be resolved in a hurry, as you know, and you are going to need support as a mother to keep up with the line of sight supervision, therapies he is in, etc.  Doing line of sight vigilantly is hard--I have been there--and it can wear you out.  Keep posting, try to reach out to IRL friends, invite people over (yay on your new house!), etc. 

4.  Switch therapists if you don't have a good feeling about the one your son is with.  Interview as many as necessary--many are not very good and you need a good one, who is working with kids because they have something real to offer and NOT because they are trying to work out their own childhood issues through working with kids or because they can't hack it with adult clients.  You need a great therapist who is wise, compassionate, culturally competent, and willing to both be supportive and confrontative with you as needed.  If the therapist doesn't want you in at least some of the sessions, run.  Your child is young and you need to be in on his treatment.  And it needs to be skillful.  Period. 

5.  Have faith.  You care so much about your kids.  Keep up with the therapies, start doing line of sight with him, and snuggle in for the long haul.  He is so young, you still have EVERY opportunity to give him the equipment to have a beautiful, balanced, healthy life.  

Hugs and support to you mama.  You can do this!  You can do this. 

Edited by junipermoon - 3/29/11 at 8:19am