What to tell people?

[SouthernStormy]

I start a new job tomorrow. I don't look completely pregnant yet- but I know in a few weeks I will probably start getting questions. We are UPing and UCing.

What do I say if I'm ask what ob/gyn I use? I hate out and out lying. Are there any clever ways to skirt the issue? B/C of CPS I don't plan to tell anyone about UP/UC til after the baby is born.

[ElizabethE]

Have you thought about saying "none of your g.d. bizness"? haha...

Sorry if that wasn't what you were looking for. I was only halfway serious.

Maybe a clever response, like, "why, are you volunteering for the job?" would serve you better.

[minkajane]

I usually just shrug and say, "Well, X Hospital is the closest to my house, so..." and change the subject. They don't need to know that X Hospital is only my backup.

[laohaire]

Brainstorming.

- "Have you heard of Dr. X?" (hey, you're not saying you use Dr. X, just asking if they've heard of them :))

- "I'm still looking at my options."

- "I've heard a lot of people like Dr. X."

- Have you EVER had an OB or even a GYN? You can name them. Doesn't mean they are following you NOW, right? :)

[SouthernStormy]

Thanks for the replies. It might not even come up- I just wanted to be prepared if it did.

We are new to the area, so I'm not familiar with an ob/gyns or hospitals.

I think I'll just say I'm btwn care providers- since I did recently drop my midwife, it wouldn't be a complete lie. And hopefully they won't ask again-

[dayiscoming2006]

That would be a weird question to ask unless they or someone close to them was pregnant and wanted an opinion.

[moonfirefaery]

When they ask you questions, answer what you can answer. If they ask a question you can't answer, and they ask why--for example, the gender or how you did on the GD test--just explain you chose to forego ultrasound/testing and explain your reasoning for that. If they ask you about your prenatal care, just give a generalized "Oh, I'm getting the very best prenatal care." Tell them how often you do your own check-ups, if any, without mentioning that you are the one doing them. You can be honest, without telling them more than is their business.

[mama naturale]

I avoiding talking about it last time but did have a very eager friend who kept asking "So did the hospital set you up with a midwife yet?" She hadn't a clue it doesn't really work like that in Aus (we do have programs now but not a few years ago). Now people assume we will be having a UC again. Its a personal decision so I rather not have to discuss it with others.

[ElizabethE]

Moonfire, I think maybe those comments would be more intriguing and provoke further questions, don't you?  :)

[moonfirefaery]

They may be intriguing, but she doesn't have to answer them at all,  she can sidestep answering, and she can word them in a way that doesn't draw attention and also doesn't give anything away. You just say something general like "Yep, everything is all set." :)

[babycatcher01]

We never once hid our choice to up/uc. Everyone knew most say "you are crazy!" I said "your crazy to go to the hospital, sick people are there." Iam on assistence so yes our local department of human services (CPS) knew also about our uc. I was never once investigated, just got a "good luck hope all gose well." I also work with CPS to help pregnant and new moms with parenting etc.. I dont mind people saying stupid stuff, it gives me a chance to speak truth about birth. Iam a birth activist, Iam out to educate people and I use my life as an example because that is the I live. You need to do what you are comfortable with, but why live in fear of what someone or agencie could do?We create our fears. I feel by standing up for our "educated" choices in a respectful way will help us feel encharge of our "choices" and create a different thought about childbirth.

[ElizabethE]

I never underestimate the ability of the undereducated who are in power to meddle with our lives and well-being. You were also in the fortunate spot to have a sort of position of respect or power to begin with, which changes the game a little.

However, I do mainly agree with what you are getting at. :) For me, I protected myself with privacy and secrecy up until the event occurred. Now that I've done it and no one can interfere or stop me, and especially since I've got a story to tell that is healthy and encouraging and reassuring, I'm a lot more open about it. If I have another baby I imagine I will be open about my choice to UC then. :)

[Anna Bella]

I tried to keep my UP/UC plans totally secret for my first pregnancy - because it was no one else's business, I didn't want to hear any negativity and I was a little bit afraid of 'state intervention'. Where I live, there was probably nothing the social services could actually do about it but I wanted to play it safe. I would answer questions like 'where are you having the baby' with - 'we're still looking at options' 'haven't entirely decided yet'. If you feel someone's being rude by asking about your prenatal care, you can turn the question around on them, like "what tests did you have at your last doctors appointment?" It makes people realise that a woman's private medical details don't have to become public information just because she's pregnant.

Unfortunately my partner let the news out and of course it spread out of control. I actually had a surprising number of positive responses. My main problem was with my family - I just had to tell them straight out "please don't ask me questions about my private health care decisions". "I'd rather not discuss it" works to close the subject but it can feel weird.

This time around, I'm even more determined to keep it secret, just for the sake of my own privacy. I'm involved in a great homebirth group but they don't officially approve of UC and I'm not sure I want to discuss it with them. It's really hard when they ask "who's your midwife?" I can't invent an answer because everyone there knows the names of everyone in town. I'm still in the first trimester (for another week!) so I can get away with saying "I'm shopping around" at this stage - but that hedge is not going to last long.