Multiple Toddlers

[eyeamviolet]

We are pre-adoptive foster parents to legally free toddlers.  They are 2,3,4yo AA brothers.  Has anyone else adopted and/or fostered 3 toddlers at the same time?  We went from 0-300% in a few weeks.  They moved in October 2010.  Some days I feel so overwhelmed.  Mostly with the system.  Although the boys are exhausting in a different way.  It seems we have most in common with families that have twins and a toddler or triplets.  It is challenging to get all 3 at once.  One toddler is a challenge in any family these are 3 separate people as they remind me every day.  Right now I have 2 in diapers and 2 with PTSD.  And 2 have developmental delays.  They all have attachment disorders.  So we have those issues on top of usual toddler tantrums, frustrations and exploring.  

     We are also dealing with social services.  That is a whole other issue I probably shouldn't even get started on.  We don't know when the case will be closed (we're waiting on the appeal court) so this could go on for a few weeks or years.  I feel like I am doing at least 3 different jobs.  Some days I just cry.  

     The boys are sweet though and they make it all worthwhile.  

[pumpkingirl71]

I see that we are close : )  I have an adopted daughter and my bio son is four months younger.  My adopted daughter has PTSD and attachment issues.  Having one with these issues was very hard in the toddler years.  I hope you are being very patient with yourself, because you have a very hard job right now!

Not sure if you are north or south of the city (or right in the middle!), but feel free to pm me if you need help getting services in MA.  I may not be able to help, but I will complain with you about how hard it can be!

[queenjane]

I dont have three, but i have two 3 yr olds who are 2.5 weeks apart. My foster (soon to be adopted) son was placed at 16.5 months old. Luckily he and my adopted son got along much better than the little girl i had just before him (who was 11.5 months when placed, my adopted son was about 3 or 4 months older, and it was a terrible match), and its mostly been fine. Neither of them have special needs or attachment issues, however they are VERY very different personality wise. Sometimes thats great, because they can bring out the best in each other (the older is more cautious than the younger who is more fearless) but other times they clash and i feel like i break up fights all.day.long, which is partly the age and partly because one is super sensitive, a bit OCD, rule oriented, quick to react physically when upset, the other is more laid back, but quick to dissolve into a melodramatic meltdown and the slightest disagreement. Mostly they are best friends.

Given the delicate balance between them, i am VERY hesitant (to the point where i likely dont even consider it) to add another child even close to their age, if i adopt again it will either be a baby under 1 or 2 years old or a child around 5-7. (Though i recently added my fs' bio sister who just turned 9 and thats been extremely challenging and im a bit scared to adopt another older child!)

We also had to wait for the appeals process to play out, and that took over 9 months to resolve, and even after that the dad STILL appealed to the state supreme court, im not sure if thats over yet. (Everyone was confident they wont hear his case.) We've just passed the one yr mark after TPR and still awaiting finalization, its very frustrating. I was so sure we'd finalize before the end of last year.

One challenge im currently facing is that people ask me all the time (no lie...in one restaurant visit four people asked!) "are they twins??" and its very awkward for me. They dont really look alike, and i feel like a liar to say "yes!", but if i say "no" and they ask how old they are, and i say "2.5 weeks apart", that invites questions like "oh are they cousins? are they both yours? so close, how did you manage that?!" that sort of thing, which then brings up adoption and at their age im trying to practice not telling every random stranger their adoption story yknow?  It just feels weird to call them twins when they are not.

Overall though, i love bunches of boys...your group sounds like lots of fun even if exhausting!!!

[MrsH]

I've been thinking about this, and about how we ourselves made the transition going from 0-3 over the course of a couple of months.  One thing that has really helped is that we really intentionally created specific routines and ways of doing things.  We took one at a time and tweaked it until it became manageable.  The whole day is still overwhelming, but I knew that I could handle that one part of the day.  We're not completely there yet but there are several parts of the day now that are a bit more peaceful and quiet because of the routines.  Specifically: sitting around the table and eating really helps my guys to settle down so that's how we do all meals and most snacks, bedtime is down mostly to a science (and still includes lots of crazy running around and screaming, but we roll with it easier now since we know the end result is the same: all kids in bed and asleep - the GoodNite Lite has been helpful for this), whenever we're home after lunch we do a rest hour - the youngest naps and the rest of us all find somewhere to be and entertain ourselves.  I know other families who do this by having each child sit on a blanket or designated couch and do quiet activities there such as colorwonder markers, reading books, audio books, playdough, or activity bags. 

I'm pretty sure I know you in real life, and if it's you then I'll see you tomorrow!

[eyeamviolet]

Yes, I have a very set schedule throughout the day.  We do eat all meals and snacks at the table.  I kept the same schedule they had at the daycare or as near as I could manage.  The problems arise when there are deviations from the schedule.  Even if it is a fun activity melt downs are sometimes triggered.  It is comforting to hear that I'm on the right track and time will help smooth out the edges.  Some days it feels like we will be in crisis mode forever.  

     My new goal is to get my self under control so that I can roll with whatever comes up.  I know when I get upset it escalates their behaviors.  So by the end of the week I will try to find myself individual therapy.  Starting next week I have rearranged my childcare schedule so that I can do yoga at least twice a week.  And I have made a point to reach out to friends and set up playdates for myself.  Hopefully a calmer Mama will lead to a calmer crew.  

[MrsH]

You know, for us the "tantrum when we deviate from the schedule" has gotten infinitely better as well.  The older one can now go to bed up to an hour past her bedtime without problems.  All three can now go straight from dinner with the in-laws, getting into PJs and fall asleep on the way home.  That was glorious when it happened.  Isn't it the worst though, when "let's go to the park [so you can run around and let out yoru crazies]" gets met with a major tantrum?  Grr.  We still can't get out of the door very well and transitions remain hard, but there are lots of moments that have just smoothed out with time. 

Also, I think it's awesome that you set up the yoga.  Seriously, way to go!  . 

[pumpkingirl71]

Just wanted to point something out:  to the general public, a 2,3, and 4 year old are not three toddlers.  But when your kids have dev delays and attachment problems, that really is three toddlers!  I wonder if one thing that is making this whole transition feel so overwhelming is that outsiders are treating you like your kids are older than they are emotionally?  Please remember, you have a hard job right now!  Please don't let the parents of typically developing children make you feel crazy.  I remember well meaning parents giving me sleep advice for my kid with post traumatic stress disorder.  They meant well, but it really made me feel worse...

Just sort of cross posting here, since I didn't get to respond about therapy.  We did not have much luck with home therapy. 

Wishing you some good relaxation and happy yoga : )

[eyeamviolet]

Thank you it is helpful to get words of wisdom and support from other parents who have some idea of what I am dealing with.  Regarding the toddler title I have seen different definitions I have a stack of books trying to get some tips for what will work with my kids.   Some the age is listed 2-3 others it is 1-4 or some even 1-5 years old.  It certainly seems to depend on who you ask.  But, you are right that with the delays and disorders they are not at their chronological age. Also with the 3 of them being within a 23 month window they copy each other a lot for good or ill.  So the 2yo is actually above his age for language vocabulary and understanding.  While the 4yo is below average.  I am finding I have many issues in common with parents of multiples.  

     And I am trying to take with a grain of salt advice from friends who only have biological children with no extraneous issues.  Thank you for reminding me again that I cannot compare my kids with theirs or allow their well meaning comments to offend or frustrate me.  

[adoptiongoddess]

Oh, my dear, my heart goes out to you!  We went from 2 to 4 children last Spring and had 4 children under 5 years old, and 3 toddlers at a time.  We are also dealing with PTSD and Reactive Attachment Disorder.  It's been the hardest year of my entire life!  I experienced Post Adoption Depression as a result of both the overwhelm and the going from 0-300 thing.  The thing that helped me the most was finding another mother who was in a similar situation to me and we became like buddies.  She held me (over the phone) when I needed to cry, vent or grieve.  She also held me accountable for when I got overwhelmed and acted out.  She helped me find more support (so vital!) and mostly, she just made me feel like this was a NORMAL reaction to a BEYOND CHALLENGING SITUATION.

I have written a lot about my experiences with this on my blog and maybe that could help you feel not so overhwelmed and alone...

http://www.adoptiongoddess.com/blog

Also, I truly believe we take on these big challenges in life for a reason.  Your heart was calling you to this and you will eventually find a way to grow into this new experience. And you will be a bigger, better person for it.  

Much love,

Elizabeth