Having Baby Without Family/Friend Help During or After (Crossposted in Parenting)

[MarineWife]

A little background. I'm 22w pg, due at the end of July. I have 3 boys (well, 2 boys and 1 man), a 20yo, a 7yo and a 3yo (who will be 4 when this baby comes). My dh is deployed and most likely will not be able to come home for the birth or any time soon after. I am planning a home birth like I had with ds3. Also as with my birth with ds3, I have asked my mother to be here to help with my younger kids and PP stuff. The problem is that we don't get along very well. She is not what I would considered a support for me. It's usually the opposite. She's very unsupportive and constantly does and says things that make me feel bad. She's not unsupportive of me having a home birth. I'd say she's more neutral. She doesn't seem to care one way or the othere where I have my baby, although with ds3 she was initially opposed to the idea of a home birth.

She's visiting right now so I'm being smacked in the face with how bad she makes me feel. It's got me thinking that I really don't want that kind of energy around me right before, during and after having this baby. I don't have anyone else to come and stay with me, though, or anyone else that I can rely on to help with daily living stuff after having a baby. I'm wondering if I could just do this on my own.

Anyone else have any experience with a similar situation? Anyone decide it's better to be on your own and do all the PP stuff on your own with other kids? Is this a bad idea? Should I just suck it up and deal with my mother's nastiness and negativity so that I can get help with cooking and cleaning and child care while PP recovery? She's not nasty or negative to my kids, just me.

[Snugglebugmom]

It seems to me that you have to weigh the pros and cons of both situations. Pro of your mother being there: practical help. Con: negative energy. For me, personally, the con weighs heavier. Especially since you have a 20 year old, who can be of tremendous help in this situation, for instance by going grocery shopping or taking care of the little ones while you have a nap or spend one-on-one time with the baby. I'm not saying "employ your oldest as your personal assistant slash babysitter" but I don't think it's too much to ask that he help out in these circumstances. Also, your seven year old can help out with little things like picking up the living room, keeping little brother occupied for a bit while you nurse the baby, and things like that. 

Caveat: with both my girls I was on my feet and doing stuff again the very next day, and I do realize that not everyone is that fortunate. If you physically need help taking care of yourself (if you have a cesarean, or stitches that need looking after, or something of that nature), then there really should be an adult around. That is not something you can expect your son to do. 

[Kedrosami]

Is there any way you could hire a postpartum doula? I'm not sure how much they charge but it's worth looking into! I don't think you should attempt to go it alone completely, especially that first week or so. It seems your oldest son would be able to take care of a lot of things too...if you give him clear directions? (20 is an adult.)

[MarineWife]

Yep, I got the PP doula suggestion in the other thread, too. I had just remembered about that. When I was pg with ds3 it was too expensive and I was told the one PP doula in the area was not supportive of home birth at all. That was 4 years ago, though, so maybe things have changed. I'll look into again.

I can't really rely on my oldest to help me. He switched shifts at his job to "help" me last week when I was so sick I had to go to the hospital for IV fluids. Um...the house was trashed and I couldn't even get a glass of ginger ale. I wish things were different with him but that's how he is.

I have thought of some other options since I posted. I'm sure my next door neighbor will help with things like picking up stuff at the store when she's out or having my younger boys play at her house for a while if I need to rest. My 7yo ds is best friends with her 7yo ds, which is very convenient. I also remembered that my dh's friend's girlfriend had offered to cook dinner for us every night while my dh is deployed. She does not know I'm pg, I don't think. I think she just likes to cook but not just for herself and her BF is deployed, too. I didn't really take her up on the offer at first because I don't really know her and I felt weird about it. I might just do it now, though.

I'd like to have my dad here for emotional support but I don't think he's physically able to take care of my kids. However, maybe if I can enlist a few different people to help with little things, my dad can help with other stuff but won't feel the full burden of doing everything.

[Aliy]

i have found myself that people can be amazingly helpful when you are in need.

[MoonWillow]

Please feel free to join the existing thread here.

Thanks