How many people at your homebirth

[crazykittymomma]

How many people is too many? So far I have my midwife, doula, husband and DD. I have a friend who needs one more birth for her certification and she said she could be in charge of my daughter...but my MIL & FIL will also want to pop in and out and I have another friend with a toddler who asked me if she and her daughter could come watch...It's starting to feel like a circus! I guess I just need to know that I'm not abnormal for wanting as few people as possible here and I need help figuring out how to say no to all the other people who want to show up.

[Abraisme]

At my last birth I had, my DH, 2 midwives, their apprentice, my best-friend, her toddler, my mother and my then 5 year old DS.  Even though the children were sleeping, it was still TOO MANY PEOPLE! 

This time I plan on having my midwives (the same women) and my DH.  I will probably have my best friend watch my kids at her house and will keep things really low-key here.  There were simply too many people cheering and adding commentary when I didn't need it..  This birth will just be for us and everyone can come visit the next day.  :)

[Kedrosami]

I think it's really important to set firm boundaries to protect your birthing space. To me, that sounds like way too many people! In your place, I'd tell your in-laws and your friend with her toddler that you need it to be a really private space and that you would love for them to visit after the birth. You should not feel guilty about this! (If anyone tries to argue or acts hurt, tell them to google "sphincter law" and then reconsider what they're asking of you.)

There was a thread about this recently in my DDC: http://www.mothering.com/community/forum/thread/1299520/homebirth-overcrowding

ETA: At my birth in July, I'm having my DH and our toddler son, and a team of 3 midwives. That's it, and I'm still slightly concerned about feeling crowded (but for the most part I trust my midwives to respect my space--they said they would even stay in the other room until they're needed, if I want!)

[LightForest]

That sounds like too many people! There were 5 people present at my birth (husband, midwife, her assistant, doula, and photographer).

[lyterae]

The plan was for my dh, the midwife, and her assistant. We actually ended up (in the last 15 minutes) with my dh, two midwives, and two assistants. 

[Ola_]

It sounds like too many people to me too.  I had DH, the MW, her student MW and then a second MW arrived (there's one for mom and one for baby) who just hung out on the couch in the basement till the baby was about to appear.  The second MW also had a student but I said no to having her here, too many people to me.  As it was I would get annoyed if I could hear people talking (i.e. whispering several rooms away) while I was having a contraction, lol!

[Full Heart]

That sounds like too many people.  I don't even want my own kids there so it would def be a no on someone elses.  I am shocked that people are inviting themselves over.  The most I have had is 6 people.  And I felt that was a lot.  And that only happened because I could not get a hold of anyone once I was in labor and then at the end everyone showed up that I had called.  So I had 2 mws, an assistant, my mom, my friend and dh. I hate being watched when I am in labor as it is. 

[Peony]

I'm in awe that people are inviting themselves and their kids over! I'd just firmly and kindly say that you already have a full house. I'm of the less people, the better mindset for myself personally, but I strongly dislike being watched and prefer to be alone. We have DH, the kids, someone to help with the kids and then maybe a MW (we've UCed previously), and that is more then enough for me. 

[Nicoleandco]

I'll have the midwife, her apprentice/assistant, possibly my doula friend, my husband and daughter.  We have a small house, but a coffee shop down the street.  I fully intend on sending people there if it gets to be too much.  Thankfully, I don't envision that happening as I had a room full of drs at my last! 

[CookAMH]

You are not abnormal and just say that you'd rather not.

[moona]

That sounds like a lot of people to me.. and I would be especially hesitant to allow people to "pop in and out" or to " come and watch." Anyone there who is not actively contributing to the birth energy will be detracting from it. You need to be able to do your work without putting on a performance. That's my opinion anyway. Also, the more people you have present, the more interactive dynamics you have in the room. You really want everyone there to be there in service of the birth, focused on helping things along, and not meandering in and out randomly shifting the energy in your birth space. With my first birth, I believe my labor was slowed down by the presence of too many spectators. I had my 2 midwives, their apprentice, my husband, sister and mother. My in-laws wanted to be there too, and I had to draw the line. I remember feeling at times like I was being watched, and it was distracting and uncomfortable. My labor was 34 hours long, and I was pretty exhausted by the end. I've talked about the long labor with my current midwife, and she also thinks it was a major factor. We've already talked about keeping things a little more private this time around.

People tend to think because you're doing this at home and there wont be any hospital regulations that it's wide open, but the truth is that, absent hospital rules, you and your partner will have to fiercely protect the peace and privacy of your birthspace. Do not feel bad about telling people that you need privacy for this most intimate work, and let them know when you will be accepting visitors.

Well, that's my 2 cents...

[newcastlemama]

I agree with moona.

I've had lots of people who wanted to come to my births too but I just have dh and midwives. Hopefully my kids will be sleeping or have someone pick them up.

Having people "pop in and out" would break my concentration and make me anxious...I would be wondering when they were coming and going...and when people are in my home I feel like I am hosting tthem....Also, I don't like the pressure of being watched and feeling like I am performing. I don't even allow pictures until after the baby is born and don't like people to know I am in labor so maybe I am extremely private! My first midwife said that she had a really high transfer rate amoung first time moms with their mothers there too.

Another choice is you could record it and let them watch later if so inclined.

Happy birthing!

[Italiamom]

Originally Posted by Peony 

I'm in awe that people are inviting themselves and their kids over! I'd just firmly and kindly say that you already have a full house.

[tracymom1]

Wow. That does sound like a lot of people. I believe that everyone has a very different comfort level when it comes to birthing. You have to listen to your heart and let it tell you the right path.

I had a friend who said that when she hit either transition or pushing, everyone besides her husband and midwife needed to leave (and there were probably 5 or 6 other people there). Well, transition came and within a few contractions she was ready to push and when her DH asked if everyone should leave she said, "there is so much love in this room - how could I deny a new life the opportunity to be surrounded with that gift upon her arrival?" Which, of course, still brings tears to my eyes as that was the very first birth I had ever been to! For her, a 'crowd' worked.

That being said...

Personally, I feel that my birth is not a show. It is not something I choose to share with anyone besides DH, maybe doula, maybe SIL. If 3yo DS wants to be there, that is wonderful, too. But really, no decisions will be made about who will be present for the birth until the birth day - who knows how I will feel then, KWIM? I reserve the right to birth all alone if I choose. I also reserve the right to invite as many folks as I feel are needed.

[tourist.]

I have to agree that your friend wanting to come and watch, with her toddler, is really really really asking a LOT.  I can't imagine.  I agree with others though, that sounds like too many people that don't need to be there.  If they aren't serving a purpose directly related to you or the birth, then they are in the way. 

My last labor I didn't tell anyone when I was in labor until after DS was born.  Just me, the midwives, and DH were present.  It was just what I wanted.  This time I will have extra people there and I'm happy with that.  It will again be me, my midwives, and DH.  Because my midwife is pretty hands off until pushing I am going to have my bff attend me as doula.  I will also have my sister come in intermittently to take photos, but she’s under strict instruction to be as invisible as possible – no talking to me, nothing but a few quick pics and then leave (unless I feel like talking to her).  So, that is at a minimum 6 people involved in some way in the birth.  My mom will also be in the house with my DS, and maybe my MIL depending on the day of the week.  Luckily we have a big two story so I won’t hear them in the house, and I’m not worried about it.  I even think that if the mom’s both want to be present along with my DS for pushing, that’s fine too.  But for me, labor is the part that demands my focus and attention and really needs every ounce of me devoted to it, so it will be just the three of us (me, dh, bff) until it’s time to push.

[mama naturale]

I think its totally up the individual woman and what she is comfortable with. For me I am happy to have hubby assisting (pool filling etc) but anyone else would make me feel crowded and uncomfortable. I have  had a friend ask if he could watch. He has asked 2x and as much as I know he is curious and would appreciate the experience I just could imagine him and hubby chatting and making me feel unable to relax and birth as I want to which is why I chose unhindered birth. Its about me and my baby and perfectly reasonable for me to be 'selfish'.

[Chloe'sMama]

Wow, it sounds like you think that would be too many.  That is the most important thing.  Trust yourself and your boundaries.

I had 2 midwives, DH, my mom, MIL and DD.... I was alone or with DH the entire labor and midwives arrived 1 hour before baby was born, MIL, DD and mom came in just as I was pushing.....

It was not too many for me, but they all stayed out of my way when I needed the quiet.

[FillingMyQuiver]

This is such a personal issue.  From the sounds of your post, YOU think it's too many people, and that's okay.  You need to kindly, but firmly tell everyone that.  This is your birth, you need to be able to focus on what you need to do without the distraction of others, and it's okay to frame your reasons in that way.

That being said, it's also not abnormal for people to WANT others around during their birth.  I'm a VERY social birther.  My home births have had LOTS of people at them and I actually thrive off having so many people around.  Let's see, here's who has been present at my home births:

DD1- in the actual room I labored and delivered in, me, DH, MW, birth asst, my mom, and my 16yo sister.  On another level of the house, DS1, my dad and my 18yo brother.

DS2- in the room I delivered in, me, DH, MW, birth asst, my mom, my sister, my mom's best friend and her daughter.  In the room next door, DS1, DD1, my 3yo brother, and my dad watching them all.

DD2- in the room I delivered, me, DH, MW, birth asst, my mom, my sister, my sister's friend.  My 3 other children were asleep at the time (it was 10:30pm) but they were woken up after I moved from the pool to the couch.

I truly enjoy having all these people at my births, they were respectful of my space.  I have found that I LIKE to talk while I'm in labor.  I don't want to be by myself or just talking to 1 person, I like to socialize.  While in labor, those who were present would talk w/ me, and when I had a contraction, I would close my eyes, cover my face w/ my hands, work through the contraction, then pick up the conversation where we left off.  When the pain reached the point that I needed to move to the birth pool, everyone was respectful of my space and I was so deep in my own world at that point that they could have been dancing on the tables and I wouldn't have noticed.  BUT, this is how *I* birth, and I don't presume to tell anyone else how to frame their births.

On the opposite side of things, my best friend needs her births to have as few people as possible.  Her first 2 births were in a BC where people were coming in and out frequently and her labor stalled many times.  Her 3rd was a HB where her 2 older children were cared for outside the house and the only people present were her, her DH, and 2 MWs.  It was her dream birth.  I personally would have gone crazy.

[Lit Chick]

I agree that it's very personal.  If you feel like it's a circus, then it's too many for you.

At my first, I had DH, MW, 3 students, doula, and my mom & dad.  Only DH, the doula, and the lead student were in my personal space though.  I labored mostly in my bathroom with only my DH, and the main student in the doorway observing and sometimes checking.  Everyone else stayed in the large bedroom.  They were all very quiet but provided a wonderful, calm energy.  At push time, the doula helped support me.

So, even though I had a very full room, everyone gave me plenty of space.  I also knew and trusted them all.

With #2, I was planning on whoever wanted to show up from the midwifery practice, my parents, DH, and my son.  DS2 has other plans - I woke up in the middle of the night and 45 minutes later he was in my arms.  DS1 slept through it, DH helped catch, and my MW, 2 students, and my parents arrived about 30 minutes after the birth (it's a 45 min drive for them all). 

Both the full house and the intimate DH only experince were really amazing and unique.  I was glad to have a bunch of people over right after with both, as with #1 I was exhausted and they fed and cooed at me and gave me confidence, and with #2 I was super buzzed and excited and it was fun to have people to share it with.

Have a wonderful birth, whoever is there!

[averlee]

Personally, no, I would not want my in-laws or friends or friends' kids around during my labor & birth. Pregnant women are allowed to be a bit blunt, luckily- I never hurt anyone's feelings too much by saying "Are you crazy, no way do I want you at my house while I'm giving birth! You can just leave a lasagna on the porch, though."