This is going to be long, I apologize in advance and appreciate anyone that gets through it.
I have been a step-mother to my SKs for 10 years now. My step-son really doesn't have much to do with us. His mother doesn't force him to do visitation nor do we. We understand his friends are more important to him right now and he's not happy here. Our households are VERY different and he prefers his mother's. Whatever, no biggie.
However, my step-daughter prefers here. She fits in here (or at least did) and is very much like DH and I. I love her as much as someone can love someone else's child. She has ALWAYS talked to me and we have had an extremely close relationship. She has been, simply, a joy to help raise.... until recently.
In January, she began to tell me that she thought she needed to see a therapist and that she was depressed. I encouraged her to tell her mother and have her get her an appointment ASAP. Her mother made the appointment eventually (after a month of DD asking) and it wasn't for another week and a half or so. During this time, DSD is dealing with bullying at the school she was in. (If you see my siggy, you'll understand why).... So she calls me on her cell from school one day in February and was having a rough day. She then proceeded to tell me that she has been having fleeting thoughts of suicide. She said she would never do it because she knows she has too many people that love her. I told her to call her mother IMMEDIATELY and tell her what she had just told me and to get her to a therapist TODAY and that if she didn't, I would be forced to call CPS and 911 because well, I don't take thoughts of suicide lightly, coming from a background of my own mental illnesses. She said she would....
The next thing I hear, a few hours later, is they are on their way to the local mental hospital because DSD THREATENED her mother with suicide. She then went through the halls of her current school screaming and basically acting like a raging maniac because she didn't want to go to a psychiatrist.... Ummmm WHAT?!!!! She had been telling me for months that she needed one and now she throws a fit over it? Confused.
So later that day, we get the call that DSD is being admitted to the Adolescent Psych Ward. She ended up staying for 12 days (usual stay is a week) and was diagnosed with Clinical Depression, Borderline Personality Traits and Anxiety. Okay, I do believe this and she starts on two different medicines which seemed to help. I say I believe this because, well, while I don't actually see her depressed, I know she is... at her mother's. She says the same. But when she is here, she's NOT at all. She laughs, she plays with the little kids, she smiles, she's ... well, normal.
We pulled her from the school she was in because of the bullying and put her in a more "gay friendly" school. The next few weeks go by, seemingly, without incident. A few calls that she doesn't "feel like being at school"...
Then Monday, we get a call saying that DSD has been cutting herself in the bathroom... apparently because her mother wouldn't come get her from school for again, not wanting to be there. So DH and BM talk to her and tell her that if that continues, she will have to go back to the psych ward. Two days later, DSD calls her mother from school saying she needs to go back... comes home and cuts her arms all up. So BM takes her back to the hospital and she is once again, admitted.
So Sunday, we go to visit. She then proceeds to tell us that she has heard voices her whole life. Well, long story short, no one believes it. Including the Psychiatrists... Her roommate was Schizophrenic and the same day that DSD started saying she heard voices, they changed her roommate. They said it's very common for kids to pick up traits from other kids while staying there but that the benefits outweigh the risk. I'm not so sure. The first time, she came home and started cutting herself, now voices?
Anyway, during this ALL DH and DSD have been talking about her moving here since she isn't depressed or anxious while here. The psychiatrist even initiated a conversation with DSD about talking to DH and BM together and making that happen so she could "heal" here. Initially, I thought this sounded reasonable and wanted DSD here, desperately. However, when we went to visit Sunday and I saw the cuts and listened to her talk about her "voices" I started to get very, very nervous about her potentially moving in with us. I am NOT equipped to deal with someone with this type of behavior, whether real or imagined. I don't know how to process ANY of this or even how to feel. I don't think it's the right thing for us, nor MY kids. She's unpredictable and I don't know how that would affect my children. Not to mention the hundreds of Doctor's appointments and stuff that would suddenly be MY responsibility. I tried to say something to DH about all of this but he instantly became offended and thought I said I was leaving if she did. I don't know how to broach it without him getting offended but I am also terrified of bringing her into our home full time.
Today, I got the call from BM that there was a request for a meeting with all 4 parents (DH,BM, Step-dad and myself)... which means it's going to be about her moving here. I instantly had a panic attack over it after she called. I just don't know what to do or feel over all of this....
So basically, I'm asking for advice, a shoulder, whatever you can offer because I just feel so confused.
I have been a step-mother to my SKs for 10 years now. My step-son really doesn't have much to do with us. His mother doesn't force him to do visitation nor do we. We understand his friends are more important to him right now and he's not happy here. Our households are VERY different and he prefers his mother's. Whatever, no biggie.
However, my step-daughter prefers here. She fits in here (or at least did) and is very much like DH and I. I love her as much as someone can love someone else's child. She has ALWAYS talked to me and we have had an extremely close relationship. She has been, simply, a joy to help raise.... until recently.
In January, she began to tell me that she thought she needed to see a therapist and that she was depressed. I encouraged her to tell her mother and have her get her an appointment ASAP. Her mother made the appointment eventually (after a month of DD asking) and it wasn't for another week and a half or so. During this time, DSD is dealing with bullying at the school she was in. (If you see my siggy, you'll understand why).... So she calls me on her cell from school one day in February and was having a rough day. She then proceeded to tell me that she has been having fleeting thoughts of suicide. She said she would never do it because she knows she has too many people that love her. I told her to call her mother IMMEDIATELY and tell her what she had just told me and to get her to a therapist TODAY and that if she didn't, I would be forced to call CPS and 911 because well, I don't take thoughts of suicide lightly, coming from a background of my own mental illnesses. She said she would....
The next thing I hear, a few hours later, is they are on their way to the local mental hospital because DSD THREATENED her mother with suicide. She then went through the halls of her current school screaming and basically acting like a raging maniac because she didn't want to go to a psychiatrist.... Ummmm WHAT?!!!! She had been telling me for months that she needed one and now she throws a fit over it? Confused.
So later that day, we get the call that DSD is being admitted to the Adolescent Psych Ward. She ended up staying for 12 days (usual stay is a week) and was diagnosed with Clinical Depression, Borderline Personality Traits and Anxiety. Okay, I do believe this and she starts on two different medicines which seemed to help. I say I believe this because, well, while I don't actually see her depressed, I know she is... at her mother's. She says the same. But when she is here, she's NOT at all. She laughs, she plays with the little kids, she smiles, she's ... well, normal.
We pulled her from the school she was in because of the bullying and put her in a more "gay friendly" school. The next few weeks go by, seemingly, without incident. A few calls that she doesn't "feel like being at school"...
Then Monday, we get a call saying that DSD has been cutting herself in the bathroom... apparently because her mother wouldn't come get her from school for again, not wanting to be there. So DH and BM talk to her and tell her that if that continues, she will have to go back to the psych ward. Two days later, DSD calls her mother from school saying she needs to go back... comes home and cuts her arms all up. So BM takes her back to the hospital and she is once again, admitted.
So Sunday, we go to visit. She then proceeds to tell us that she has heard voices her whole life. Well, long story short, no one believes it. Including the Psychiatrists... Her roommate was Schizophrenic and the same day that DSD started saying she heard voices, they changed her roommate. They said it's very common for kids to pick up traits from other kids while staying there but that the benefits outweigh the risk. I'm not so sure. The first time, she came home and started cutting herself, now voices?
Anyway, during this ALL DH and DSD have been talking about her moving here since she isn't depressed or anxious while here. The psychiatrist even initiated a conversation with DSD about talking to DH and BM together and making that happen so she could "heal" here. Initially, I thought this sounded reasonable and wanted DSD here, desperately. However, when we went to visit Sunday and I saw the cuts and listened to her talk about her "voices" I started to get very, very nervous about her potentially moving in with us. I am NOT equipped to deal with someone with this type of behavior, whether real or imagined. I don't know how to process ANY of this or even how to feel. I don't think it's the right thing for us, nor MY kids. She's unpredictable and I don't know how that would affect my children. Not to mention the hundreds of Doctor's appointments and stuff that would suddenly be MY responsibility. I tried to say something to DH about all of this but he instantly became offended and thought I said I was leaving if she did. I don't know how to broach it without him getting offended but I am also terrified of bringing her into our home full time.
Today, I got the call from BM that there was a request for a meeting with all 4 parents (DH,BM, Step-dad and myself)... which means it's going to be about her moving here. I instantly had a panic attack over it after she called. I just don't know what to do or feel over all of this....
So basically, I'm asking for advice, a shoulder, whatever you can offer because I just feel so confused.
and let you know I hope the meeting leads to the best steps being taken for your entire family.
and that was pretty much all that was said. However, BM is supposed to go in for another session tonight with the social worker and DSD. The social worker told DSD that she was going to talk more to her about her coming home with us. I don't know if she's a.) trying to ease SM into the idea or b.) waiting for BM to say "no, absolutely not" because she wouldn't in front of us and then back her up on it because she said something about us needing to make the decision and stick to it. We never got an answer of BM on it. So then the social worker requested another session with BM for tomorrow... so I don't think it looks good. DSD asked as we were leaving if we talked about it and I told her what we DID talk about and her little face just fell. She was so disappointed and just looked broken. She's terrified of going home with BM. She MAY be getting released tomorrow... and she doesn't want to because she's worried she has to go home with mom. I'm sorry but if I knew my daughter was NOT cutting herself somewhere, felt safe there and didn't have the thoughts she does while there, I would send her back to that place so fast her head would spin... but because she has so much residual anger at DH for leaving her, she refuses to let that happen. It breaks my heart. 
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