my nearly 4 yo is aggressive at babysitter's

[chickenfeet]

Hi, I'm having the hardest time with my daughter (only child) who will be 4 in May.  I have been a SAHM since her birth, and last month took a job working 3 days a week.  She is staying with my neighbor, who watches several kids in her home.  Before I went back to work, we had playdates with my DD and her DD who is about 6 months younger.  They got along well.  Now, I get daily reports of mine physically attacking hers, sometimes with 4 or 5 major incidents a day.  These incidents range from my DD shoving her off a chair or refusing to move from the slide, to lightly choking or holding her down and forcing her to drink from a cup.  Per my neighbor, DD doesn't behave this way with any of the other kids, only her DD.  What is going on?  And how do I stop this?

DD has never shown any aggression before, either with me or with other babysitters.  Granted, she's never stayed anywhere for 8 hours without me before.  My neighbor tells me she is constantly on the move throughout the day, bouncing off the walls and stopping only to eat.  This is also very unusual; when we're together at home she plays independently, draws, watches videos, or helps me around the house.  She has the normal 3 yo tantrums and power struggles, but she's usually a very calm kid.

When I ask my DD why she's hurting/bothering the other girl, her reply is usually 'I wanted what she had' or 'she wasn't listening to me.'  She doesn't seem to care that the girl is hurt, crying or otherwise upset.  Today she told me she was glad the girl was sad.  I've tried everything I can think of: rewards, charts, taking things away, eliminating activities, and time outs in every possible place/form.  I went so far as to put all her toys and books in the playroom and lock the door.  She loved helping me and said her room looked much better 'all clean like this,' and hasn't asked for anything back.  We have long conversations about how others are supposed to be treated, how we want to be treated, etc. that always end with her promising to be nice to the girl.

While I don't excuse her behavior, I think that some of the problem is boredom.  The kids are confined to a small part of the house, and with the cold weather there's not really any way for her to blow off energy.  The TV is always on as well, and I'm not happy with the things she's learned from it.  (we do videos, but no TV at home)  Part of the reason I chose to go back to work part time now was to ease her into being away from me before starting full-time at school in the fall, but now I'm wondering if I did the right thing.  Is this normal behavior for a child just entering daycare?  Should I try a new sitter?  Any other suggestions?  Thanks!  AnyAA

[RoViMama]

Find  a new sitter.  Find out what they are going to be doing!!!  Get a schedule.  Find a place that works (mostly) with your values.  It might cost more $$  but more structure and more activities is worth it for an engaged child and piece of mind!

[pbjmama]

I agree you need a new sitter. Also, I think you child is probably too young for delayed consequences. She is saying she will be nice because that is what you want to hear but she doesn't have impulse control.

[KCMichigan]

Get a new sitter or a child care facility.

I really think it is a chaotic environement. I would NOT be OK with the TV on all the time and it sounds very unstructured. With that many kids, no schedule can lead to chaos.

You could try to find a nice preschool with a 3 yr old class that would be structured, TV free, get lots of exercise, and teach social skills.

[HollyBearsMom]

I agree with the other posters.  You need to find a better caregiver for your child.

A professional CCP will have a contract for you sign and will have guidelines in place regarding what the kiddos will do each day- outside time, naps, playtime, meals, snacks. They would have guidelines in place regarding the use of TV/DVD. They would have tools in place to avoid and to deal situations such as your daughters. 

[butterfly_mommy]

I agree with the other posters. She is probably being say other stimulated and has no outlets. The kids should be getting outside everyday unless it is insanely cold like colder then -15 C. I would say the care this neighbor is providing is not a good fit for your daughter. (i would not want my child there either)

I care for a friends daughter and when I first starting watching her she would "attack" my DS occasionally (they were 3 and 2 at the time with my DS being the younger) It was a combo of DS not understand personal boundaries and Daycare girl not being used to being around another kid for so long with only one adult. Also her missing her mom and feeling maybe some jealousy that DS had his mom and she didn't. Oh and the days the attacks would happen were usually sick days when we were confined to being indoors all day together. It really helped to have them get outside, spend time with each child individually, having planned activities to do together esp sensory stuff like painting, goop, play dough, reading books and being on top of both kids to help prevent/stop hurting behaviors and guide their socially interactions. Really this is a situation that a day care provider should be coming up with strategies with the parent and child on how to handle it.

[les_oiseau]

I have noticed that my children act out aggressively when they are unable to communicate, or the person they are with does not understand what they are trying to communicate. I see this when it comes to me not realizing my kiddo needs a nap, or not understanding what she's asking for, etc. I also noticed it when we stayed with my mil, who watched 8 children in her home. There was one girl in particular who has been labled the "trouble making" and seems to always be misunderstood.  In a group setting like daycare I think that is almost unavoidable, and really, could happen in any situation. If she has been with you her whole life, maybe she just isn't used to having to express her needs in way unfarmiliar to you and her. If this is the reason she's being aggressive, maybe you can help her figure out how to express herself in this new setting.

[chickenfeet]

Thanks so much for your replies!  My instinct is that she's bored and frustrated, and I agree that she would do better at a structured daycare facility.  She might also be having problems with the other girl having her mom while she misses me, as butterfly_mommy mentioned.  Another nagging thought in the back of my mind is that my neighbor might be in momma bear mode, getting hypersensitive to every little exchange between the girls and coming down hard on her DD's side.  I would totally do this so I can't blame her, but I might not be getting a clear picture of my daughter's behavior.

I've set up appointments to look at different daycares in town and I'm excited because the most promising one is within walking distance of my new job.  I hope she gets away from this aggression with a routine and activities.  Maybe if no one there is the mom, it will help her adjust too.  I like your thoughts about learning to express herself, les_oiseau, and I think we'll work on finding good ways for her to tell people what she needs and wants.  Thanks again, I've been away from this forum for awhile and forgot how much comfort I get in reading everyone's thoughts.

[~NewMa~]

Hi there. Saw this post and had to respond, as we have just been through a similar situation except I am the sitter!!!

I agreed to watch my friends son who is 2 years old.

Some days he would come and he would be a delight, playing nicely and listening without a problem.

Other days...most days.... he was wild and out of control, biting my 3 year old son, sitting on my 1 year old daughter, pushing her down, snatching toys from both the kids and running away, bouncing off the walls and furniture all day long only stopping to eat. A lot of those behaviors similar to what you posted your daughter is doing.

We don't watch TV. I would occasionally put Sesame Street on in the am if he seemed out of control right off the bat, it was a good way to distract him and settle them all.

The rest of the day, I believe the structure he had at my house was the most structure he had in his  life as his mother does not follow any type of routine or rhythm in their home.

We had arts and crafts time, story time, free play (inside and out), naps were at the same time every day, he followed our bedtime routine, etc.

His mother and father reported that he never behaved this way at home (although I was not surprised by that because most of his disruptive behavior involved something he was doing to or with one of my kids- biting, snatching, pushing, etc). He had been in day care on the days he wasn't with me and had even been "kicked out" of the daycare on a few occasions for similar behavior with the kids in the facility.

I began to think it was me being too sensitive and favoring my kids over him. I paid close attention to the way I treated him, trying to be sure I was treating him as fairly as I would have treated my own children. I tried to make sure our days were full so that there wasn't time for him to act out like this. Despite our routine and the activities of the day, he was disruptive and difficult to manage. And I began to feel guilty reporting his bad behavior to the parents. It was not something they could control. He didn't do it at home because he's an only child and they can't discipline him while he's in my care.

Just recently his mom accepted a full time position and has placed him in day care full time. I haven't spoken to her about how his transition has been (it's only been a week so far).

Although I feel relieved to not have him here, I also feel bad and like I failed for them, and honestly, I don't think there was anything I could have done differently that would have changed his behavior and I'm still not sure why some days were better than others. Perhaps those were just the days he was resentful for being here. (Can a 2 year old feel resentment?)

Anyway. I hope you have no hard feelings towards your neighbor. I'm sure she was doing the best she could.

I just had to reply in her defense!

[chickenfeet]

Thanks for your reply, NewMa!  I definitely don't have hard feelings toward my neighbor.  Staying at home with kids (especially other people's kids) is one of the most challenging jobs I can imagine, and I'm grateful she was there when I needed her.  That said, I think my daughter needs more than she can give.  I'm struggling with guilt about leaving her at all during the day, and now I have the added guilt of not socializing her earlier to avoid some of these issues!  I do think kids can harbor resentment, especially when their routines are completely changed.  I am hopeful about the new place I found; it's very scheduled and allows for lots of running around time outside and the director seems to share my views on redirection/discipline.  My daughter came with me this morning to check it out and she didn't want to leave, which I thought was a good sign too!