need help with answer

[VisionaryMom]

I'm getting ready to leave to see my father, who is dying. He probably won't last through the weekend. My father walked out when I was a baby. I saw him only a handful of times growing up, reconnected when I was 21/22. He was diagnosed with cancer when I was 25, has been in rough shape for 2 years or so. I'm 30 now.

So...I know that he's done the whole "death bed forgiveness" thing with my mother & brother (who has a different mom, but he also abandoned). 

My dad is not evil. He's fun and charming, and I can understand the impulse to do what he did with my mother (my brother's mom is a different story, never quite understood that one). My mom is a sociopath. She's beautiful and brilliant and well-read and charming on the outside. She can - and does - get whatever she wants. She's also manipulative and a compulsive liar. She can cry and manipulate a situation until she makes you believe that what you saw or heard didn't actually happen. According to her siblings, she's been this way since she was a young child. 

My dad told me about 6 months ago that he had to get far away from my mother because he felt he was being sucked into a vortex and that he was questioning whether or not *he* was mentally stable because she'd convinced him that her side was the truth when he really had a different recollection. I totally get it. That's what everyone who breaks away from her says. 

So, I get why he left, but really? Really? You left a child to live with someone like that? My childhood was absolute hell. I was sexually abused by an uncle (and my mom just tried to convince me that it wasn't true). My mom constantly told me that I was stupid and worthless and that my existence destroyed her life. She was married 5 times. I lived in 10 different houses in 18 years. It was a freakin' nightmare!

All of that is to say that I don't know what to say if/when my dad asks for forgiveness. I know it's coming, and I don't forgive him. I'm no longer angry and bitter, but forgiveness, for me, is an entirely different animal to me. I just can't go there. I don't believe in the need for a "peaceful death," and I figure that I have to live with myself after he's dead.

This is roughly what I've come up with: 

"I think you shouldn't spend this time thinking about regret. My life is good. I have a wonderful husband and children, and I'm moving my career in the right direction. I'm stable. I'm an adult now, so the responsibility for how my life looks is on me."

That sounds kind of...corny, but it's the best that I have. I see no need to re-hash everything with him. He knows that he was wrong, and I don't have a burning desire to *say* that to him. I just also don't want to...dishonor my own feelings and experiences either.

[AttunedMama]

I don't think your planned response sounds corny. And I think that you are spot on about having to live with yourself for the rest of your life.

The times I've held true to my own interpretations, I've received healing and peace.

I could go on and on, but I can almost imagine myself writing what you've written. I say, imagine yourself in one, then ten years, and consider different possibilities. If you are truly honest with him in what you are and are not willing to do, I think you'll be stronger in the future for it, not diminished.

Best wishes for a healthy visit. Maybe he'll just thank you for coming, though it doesn't sound likely.

ETA: What is your plan for his response? If he smiles and nods, great. What if he tries something guilt-inducing? "oh, but could you just do this for me anyway?" or something like that. Think several steps ahead of him, not just one or two.

[Ldavis24]

Originally Posted by AttunedMama 

I don't think your planned response sounds corny. And I think that you are spot on about having to live with yourself for the rest of your life.

The times I've held true to my own interpretations, I've received healing and peace.

I could go on and on, but I can almost imagine myself writing what you've written. I say, imagine yourself in one, then ten years, and consider different possibilities. If you are truly honest with him in what you are and are not willing to do, I think you'll be stronger in the future for it, not diminished.

Best wishes for a healthy visit. Maybe he'll just thank you for coming, though it doesn't sound likely.

ETA: What is your plan for his response? If he smiles and nods, great. What if he tries something guilt-inducing? "oh, but could you just do this for me anyway?" or something like that. Think several steps ahead of him, not just one or two.

ITA with all of this...

You sound like you have really thought it out mama. I couldn't not comment because I can in the distant future (my dad is only 55 and healthy as far as I know) envision a situation where I would be seeing my dad at his death bed, although in my head I couldn't imagine him ever asking forgiveness for all the things he's done to me...I can only hope that if I ever am in a similar situation I can handle it as gracefully as I think you are going to.

Maybe this sounds horrible but you are not there to make him feel better about himself, yes even on his death bed. It shouldn't change things, should it? I don't know, this has brought up a lot of thoughts in my head, sorry if I am less than helpful but I am thinking of you!

[*bejeweled*]

I believe that your presence is enough. Don't feel pressured to say anything at all. "I'm here" would suffice.