Need a plan--toddler discipline help?

[kateye]

Help!!  My DS is 2.5 years old and I have a 1 month old DD.  My DS's behavior has changed dramatically over the past few months and I know this is partly "the age" and partly because of the new baby, but I don't know what to do!  Because we never really needed to use "discipline" before, just lots of prevention (child proofing, making sure he is well rested and fed, etc.) and redirection, I don't have any kind of plan for when DS behaves "inappropriately" (not sure what else to call it, I know it is normal for his age, but it's not ok w/ us--screaming in the house/waking the baby, throwing toys or putting toys in his mouth, spitting out chewed food, etc.).  With no plan, I have been falling back on what I know from growing up--counting down, yelling (which makes me a hypocrite since we are not supposed to yell in the house), barking orders (also hypocritical, not being polite), time outs, threats of taking away priviledges, etc.--I don't think this is age appropriate AND it's not how I want to parent and I can tell it's totally backfiring.  I do not even know where to start.  How can I continuously act lovingly, compassionately, and respectfully towards my toddler and prevent/address his behavior?  I am super tired and don't have the energy to read stacks of parenting books (sorry, not trying to be lazy about something so important, just realistic!)...does anyone have any advice?  Where to start?

Thank you so much!!

[rebelmama]

Hi Mama,

I really don't have any advice for you but I wanted to let you know that I am dealing with a very similar situation with my 2.5 year old ds. I am a single mom and spend all but 6-8 hours(I am in school) with him all week. Our days start out so nice but he is just so demanding of me and my time, starting to tantrum more now which he never did before, throwing things and is often very defiant(of this I just have to remind myself he is 2.5!). I consider myself very GD and mostly don't have to work at it but there are times where I totally lose it by yelling or resort to threats or bribes which I totally hate. Every time I resort to one of these techniques I feel guilty and loathe what I am doing because I see the negative affect it has on him and like you said, I can actually see it backfiring in many instances. But at the time I feel as if I have just run out of tools and run out of patience. I was also raised in a different manner, including a lot of yelling and spanking which was viewed as normal, and my entire family thinks I am way too patient with him.

For me I am feeling the need for a better support network. I moved close to my family so that I could get help from them but they have a very different view of parenting than I do so I am very alone in this. I really haven't developed any friendships with likeminded parents with young children yet. I have read a gazillion gentle discipline books but they don't always cut it when if comes down to the end of patience and just being plain worn down. So a need for a support network would be a big helper for me. Just to have someone to commiserate with and to say it is not always going to be like this and to offer some gentle discipline suggestions. Do you have a good support network?

[thedenverduo]

I think part of it is picking your battles. You mention that he puts toys in his mouth.  Is this really something you need to take a stand on?  I would probably remove all choking hazard type toys, and then let it go.  You have a lot going on with the new baby and transitions and this is a battle I would not choose to fight. He's not going to put toys in his mouth forever, and it isn't going to hurt him.  Or spitting food out... I realize this is bad manners and not a habit you want him to get into, but for now instead of disciplining him for it, just let it go and then ask him to help you clean it up after lunch.  If he doesn't, he doesn't, but it isn't something that is worth a power struggle in my opinion.

I only have one baby so far, so I can't imagine how hard it is to balance a toddler and newborn!  Hugs, mama! 

[Jackies Ladybug]

my DD is just about to turn 2.5 and i have an 11 month old as well. i am struggling with a lot of what you are too.

i made myself a list that is BIG and BOLD written in CRAYONS that i hung up right near our play area with 5 things i can do when all else goes to you-know-what.

my list is

IN CASE OF EMERGENCY:

pick from the following

Walk Away

Remove the problem (ex. toy being thrown)

Stomp or Jump up and down, Jumping Jacks (very effective to stop behaviours, ever seen a grown woman break out into jumping jacks?)

Blow some bubbles

Break out the DVD player

this phase will pass with time. i am of the camp that most childhood behaviours will be outgrown no matter the "discipline technique" applied. so the biggest thing is distracting myself long enough to prevent my own tantrum.

i also have a box of items in case of emergency. stuff like glitter and glue, scissors and goopy stuff. tempra paints and all that good stuff. if i see her getting frustrated or i start sounding like a broken record of "you cant, get down, get down, no you cant, stop that, quiet in the house" i break out the box and put the tarp under the table and just let her have at it.

this is what i do, not sure it will work for you, but its what works for us.

[kateye]

Thanks to everyone for your replies and suggestions--so sorry to take so long to post, I didn't even realize anyone had responded!  

rebelmama--I do have a great support network of family and friends, but it is true that I haven't been getting out to spend time with them much lately as my 2 yr old has had a cold and my DD is only 5 weeks old.  Thank you for reminding me to pick up the phone and/or get out of the house to stay connected!

denverduo--great suggestion.  saying no and don't all the time is just making me tired and grumpy.  Our toys are almost entirely childproof so not dangerous to be chewed on--I'll let that one go.  And the spitting, I have no "acceptable alternative" that I've been able to find (though I did offer--"do you want to take a bath, you can spit water in the bath tub"--does that seem ok?)...so I think I will let that go too.  Maybe also the annoying random screams (which are impossible to control)--it seems like the more I say no to these behaviors, the more he does them...so letting them go may be effective.

jackies ladybug--I've been meaning to make a list for myself for a while, time to actually do it!  I did not yell, threaten, count, or use timeouts (or TV!!, yay!) for the past few days, mostly because I was able to remind myself to breathe before reacting.  But I think a list of alternatives posted where I can see it will be helpful too.  Esp. like the jumping jacks...or maybe singing a silly song :)

So far, these things have worked for me:

*Remembering that my family members are the most important people in the world to me--I need to treat them like the amazing people they are (especially in their worst times!)

*Breathing--deep yoga breaths

*Finding acceptable alternatives (hit this pillow instead, ram your cart into the beanbag instead of the wall)

*Putting away things that are constantly causing problems (stuff I don't want him to get into, etc.)--still in the process of re-toddler proofing, it's a lot harder than baby proofing!

In terms of web resources, I've found a few from searches on this site, that I think could be helpful:

http://theparentingpassageway.com/gentle-discipline/

http://www.awareparenting.com/

Will post if I find anything else useful for other mamas who find this thread :)

[Madalyn]

Originally Posted by kateye 

*Finding acceptable alternatives (hit this pillow instead, ram your cart into the beanbag instead of the wall)

I always wonder about this one. My almost 2 year old has been going through a throwing stage lately. I keep taking the things away from him. *cough* Like there is currently a maraca on top of my bathroom counter. I know I could find him alternate things to throw that would be less dangerous but are they really old enough to distinguish the difference? If they aren't it seems like that would encourage the throwing in a way? Not knocking your suggestion just thinking out loud since we have the same problem.

[kateye]

I am with you on this one--I have been offering soft balls to throw inside as an alternative to throwing other toys, but I am not sure if this is effective.  I'm also worried about literally taking ALL his toys away since he throws something several times a day.  I also don't know how effective alternatives are when dealing with more aggressive behavior like hitting--my DS hasn't actually hit anyone, but he will say "I'm hitting mama" while he swats at me more or less gently--I told him he could hit a pillow.  Several parenting philosophies suggest this, but since I've just started to use this, I don't know if it works.  Another option I just read on the Farber Mazlish website (authors of How to Talk so Kids Will Listen) is saying "I can't let you hit but you can tell me how you are feeling" (accepting feelings even when behavior is not ok).  Also, I am not sure if this is age appropriate for a 2.5 yr old b/c--I think it's worth trying but I don't think my DS can really recognize and describe his feelings yet (I don't even thing he can really even identify basic feelings like "I'm hungry" or "I'm tired")...

If anyone can weigh in, that would be great!  Or maybe I should start a new post about this in particular?

Originally Posted by Madalyn 

I always wonder about this one. My almost 2 year old has been going through a throwing stage lately. I keep taking the things away from him. *cough* Like there is currently a maraca on top of my bathroom counter. I know I could find him alternate things to throw that would be less dangerous but are they really old enough to distinguish the difference? If they aren't it seems like that would encourage the throwing in a way? Not knocking your suggestion just thinking out loud since we have the same problem.

[MommyofHero]

wow, i'm going through the EXACT same thing currently. still a long way from figuring things out, but this is what i have noticed:

there have been times in the past month when my toddler will be crazy and do one thing after another that she knows is not appropriate (like throwing toys, being rough with the baby, etc.) i consciously know it is because she wants attention, but i still react poorly because it pushes my buttons and i'm already tired or whatever. the last time she started acting that way, i put the baby in a safe place and got on my knees and talked to my toddler on her level. it made me realize how long it had been since i did that! I realized that i had been correcting/talking to her without making enough eye contact. it made me realize that what she really needs is for Mommy to be on her level periodically throughout the day.

having a second baby can really throw your life into chaos. it's a juggling act. you spend a lot of time looking at your baby and your toddler notices that. 

i'm all about the Continuum Concept and wearing your baby all the time, but i've decided that it's ok to let the baby take a nap or just lay and kick by himself for a little while so i can get down on my toddler's level and communicate with her without a baby between us. 

and breathing helps too. boy, does it help. taking a big yogic breath before reacting to behavior helps you to realize that it's really not worth getting stressed over.

and by the way, thanks for sharing "the parenting passageway"-- looks like a very helpful site.